Off My Chest

I was dating a guy during my first two years of college who I fell for HARD. He wanted to marry me. I ended up moving back to where my friends had gone to college. (I have committment issues. Two years to me was like a lifetime.)

Since I've moved back here, I've slept with lots of different people. I feel empty and miserable unless I have someone touching me. My friends from high school (who live down here) think I'm a virgin still because I don't bring guys home. My ex, who still wants to marry me, has no idea that I'm sleeping around like this.

There are days I want to stop, but then one of the guys who I actually am with regularly touches my shoulder or takes my hand and I convince myself that one more time isn't that bad.

Lately it's gotten worse. I met another guy in a class who I went home with. He's into breath-play and I've started to crave that too. I'm not sure what to do about any of this. I feel like I'm getting in too deep and the people I love are being kept in the dark. My best friend and roommate asked me about a bruise the other day (on my neck) and I made up something. This has to end. How can I stop treating myself and everyone around me like this?