Humiliation: Gay? Straight? Weird?

I don't know what i am really. So i really need advice. It might get a little graphic...But i hope someone reads it and helps me.

This started years ago, i don't know when exactly but it was in my teens. When i got horny i would go on chatsites and try to find girls to cam with me. Ussually just to fap for them on cam. I got a few to watch me do it back then. Seems like a pretty...common thing since alot of kids that age did things like that, like sending nude pics and vids and what not.

After awhile i think i got bored with it. Or lost interest i dont remember why. Fast forward a few years and i did it again. I always got excited when i knew someone was watching me nude. I specifically liked it when they wore clothes and i didn't. I got so into it that i let a girl dominate me for a long while, she would tell me what to do on cam and i'd do it; following her commands.

But some time after that she got a boyfriend and didn't want to do it with me anymore. But at that point i realised i needed a release. But since i couldnt get it out of her i tried to get it somewhere else. Thats when i stumbled to a massive porn site with ALOT of types of porn. It was like a archive of alot of sites put togheter in one.

So then the days began of me looking for new porn. It started with hentai. Then it moved on to lesbian strapon....And from that point it just got weirder and weirder. I'd watch Femdom videos such as ''Jerk off instructions'' and ''strapon femdom''...basically anything that would degrade me in some way in the fantasy...I'd always feel ashamed but i got numb to it after awhile...

But i was tired of porn. I guess it wasn't enough for me to just ''finish'' i wanted to be watched. But i had a hard time finding girls who would want that...so one day i just turned to a guy. There were enough gay guys who wanted to watch me on cam and tell me what to do...

I got really into the being humiliated part. I'd even ask them to be dominant and treat me bad. At first i wouldn't ever show my face....some time later i was ok to even cum on my own face. After awhile i liked it even more when guys watched me; because it felt more of a humiliation.

So i started watching gay porn. But it didnt turn me on. The only thing that turned me on was if a male or female was humilated/dominated. I found it arrousing to watch guys get used and abused by the dominant male or female.

So i started to think i was gay or bi or something. This didn't help with my confidence , it really went down the drain honestly. Everytime it just got worse; i'd do more and more for the people who saw me on cam asked of me. And even though i was constantly ashamed and felt like $#%^ doing so. I kept doing it.

It felt like it got out of hand because i couldn't always get turned on without being humiliated in a way. And it scared me. I tried explaining it to a girl who listened to me at the time. And she said that i might be ''pansexual'' or something.

I wasn't attracted to guys. But i would fantasize about having sex with one. That feeling always left me after every orgasm though. I never had feelings for a guy before either , and to this day i still never felt anything for one. But for girls; i fell in love multiple times. And i always found them to be really attractive.

But i never really thought any girl would be attracted to me. And the ones that would...weren't exactly my type....it was even abit of a turn off when they were attracted to me somehow. I think this was because of my lack off confidence, because of my looks or penis size.

Even though i dont look ugly, im just slim. And abit hairy, nothing i cant handle. But my penis size is no larger than 5 inches. Wich is average so i shouldn't really complain. Totally when there are ppl walking around with 1 inch.

But i still feel like i'v got no confidence. But i'm not stupid. I know how to fix all of this. I just need some closure and comfort. I need to get in shape by working out, and stop watching all of this humiliation crap.

My problem is that i don't know how to. I keep crawling back to it after every 2 weeks of stopping. Everytime im just a litle satisfied with myself, its like i somehow want to ruin it for myself by humiliating myself infront of others. This can be all a fetish or whatever, but it's ######6 useless if it's making me feel like crap and putting my entire life out of balance. Also i still don't know if im gay or not. I just seem to enjoy gay humiliation, and because i like girls alot i get mixed up with trannies aswell.

I never had any irl encounters with guys sexually. Just with girls. Please help me out. That is if you haven't stopped reading halfway. I mean i even wanted to stop halfway...so i'd understand.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, forumhelp. I can see it's quite a tough situation you are in.
From your descriptions, I think that you sometimes derive satisfaction from making your life go worse. It's like you can't tolerate the image of yourself having a good and wonderful life. I would suggest you to see a therapist to cure this self-sabotaging tendency. I used to do this to myself too by masturbating a lot. However, when something good is going on in my life, something really good, I always told myself that I am worthy of love and of those good things, that I don't want to ruin those good things. So if you can cultivate more positive energies in your life and allow yourself to enjoy them, I hope things will go well.

Good luck. Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

Wiley wrote:Thank you for sharing your story with us, forumhelp. I can see it's quite a tough situation you are in.
From your descriptions, I think that you sometimes derive satisfaction from making your life go worse. It's like you can't tolerate the image of yourself having a good and wonderful life. I would suggest you to see a therapist to cure this self-sabotaging tendency. I used to do this to myself too by masturbating a lot. However, when something good is going on in my life, something really good, I always told myself that I am worthy of love and of those good things, that I don't want to ruin those good things. So if you can cultivate more positive energies in your life and allow yourself to enjoy them, I hope things will go well.

Good luck. Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

But how do i stop it? When my urge to do it is so strong, i can't seem to tell myself to stop. In my mind i always seem to find a reason why it's ok for me to do it. It's like being a obese person who can't get enough of cake. I was thinking of channeling that urge into something else but i wouldn't know how.

As much as i'd like a therapist i don't think i'd have the courage of saying all of this to someone face to face. Not only that; i can't afford one either. Thanks for the support though..

How about using the label "open minded straight" for now? Very few people are 100% homo or hetero, but from what you say, you're much closer to the het end of the spectrum.

I'd also suggest some reading at http://yourbrainonporn.com There's an enormous amount of info there, so I'd start on http://yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do This page is very long but covers all the basics. Take your time over it and don't click off to any of the links until afterwards.

I wasn't really sure, from reading your post, whether humiliation IS a fetish for you. Or whether it's the extreme you happen to have gone to because nothing less will get you off. So it might be worth trying to go through the "rebooting" process and see what your sexuality looks like after that. There's nothing wrong with humiliation in itself, only in the imbalance you describe. [And the practical complexity of wanting to be dominated by men while being attracted to women for anything else.] The site doesn't have a "How To", just lots of accounts so you can fine-tune what might work well for you. From what you wrote about your mind always finding a reason, I wonder if having a set plan might help. A thing that you do when you have the urge to fap [or to indulge in humiliation if you want to only cut back on that side of things.] Whether it's 10 pushups or a walk round the block or a round of Sudoku. Establish what it is in advance, and then don't give your brain time to weasel around. "Oh, I feel like X, I must immediately do Y." Just avoid anything that could become a negative addiction [no weed, alcohol or food.]

This isn't meant to be anti-porn, anti-humiliation or anti-fun! I think it might be a way to get some more control over your habits. Wiley's suggestion about a therapist is still a good one [worth seeing if there are any free or sliding-scale services around your area.] You wouldn't need to come clean about all of this to them [although as you built trust, you might want to. And it would be helpful.] But working on the self esteem issues would be great. It's fine to be humiliated when that's a genuine kink for you. But if you feel like you don't "deserve" a female sexual partner, or that any woman interested in you must "have something wrong with her" [the turn-off you mentioned before] then it's going to be hard to be healthy in your sex life.


PS. I know this reads like a lecture. To be clear, I'm not a therapist or professional of any sort. All the above is my own thoughts from reading in these forums and also Dan Savage's advice column.

Ada wrote:How about using the label "open minded straight" for now? Very few people are 100% homo or hetero, but from what you say, you're much closer to the het end of the spectrum.

I'd also suggest some reading at http://yourbrainonporn.com There's an enormous amount of info there, so I'd start on http://yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do This page is very long but covers all the basics. Take your time over it and don't click off to any of the links until afterwards.

I wasn't really sure, from reading your post, whether humiliation IS a fetish for you. Or whether it's the extreme you happen to have gone to because nothing less will get you off. So it might be worth trying to go through the "rebooting" process and see what your sexuality looks like after that. There's nothing wrong with humiliation in itself, only in the imbalance you describe. [And the practical complexity of wanting to be dominated by men while being attracted to women for anything else.] The site doesn't have a "How To", just lots of accounts so you can fine-tune what might work well for you. From what you wrote about your mind always finding a reason, I wonder if having a set plan might help. A thing that you do when you have the urge to fap [or to indulge in humiliation if you want to only cut back on that side of things.] Whether it's 10 pushups or a walk round the block or a round of Sudoku. Establish what it is in advance, and then don't give your brain time to weasel around. "Oh, I feel like X, I must immediately do Y." Just avoid anything that could become a negative addiction [no weed, alcohol or food.]

This isn't meant to be anti-porn, anti-humiliation or anti-fun! I think it might be a way to get some more control over your habits. Wiley's suggestion about a therapist is still a good one [worth seeing if there are any free or sliding-scale services around your area.] You wouldn't need to come clean about all of this to them [although as you built trust, you might want to. And it would be helpful.] But working on the self esteem issues would be great. It's fine to be humiliated when that's a genuine kink for you. But if you feel like you don't "deserve" a female sexual partner, or that any woman interested in you must "have something wrong with her" [the turn-off you mentioned before] then it's going to be hard to be healthy in your sex life.


PS. I know this reads like a lecture. To be clear, I'm not a therapist or professional of any sort. All the above is my own thoughts from reading in these forums and also Dan Savage's advice column.

Wouw. Honestly i didn't expect much when i wrote all of that. I didn't even expect a responce but your responce truly helped me alot. I'm the kind of guy who always wants things to make sense in some way, and i never really stop untill i figure out how things work. Or in this case how i work. I had a hard time with this because i couldn't make any sense of it all.

Any advice i got from other people was just on a ''comforting'' level. It still never made any sense to me. Because i wouldn't be turned on in a real situation if i was infront of a guy. Even though in my fantasy i might go all out.

I read that article you sent me and it made sense to me. It really hit close to home, because it seems because i choose the ''extreme'' and the very quick stimulation i end up doing that kind of stuff. It has alot to do with confidence, something i'v lost over the years. And because i can play it ''safe'' this way without getting caught; it turned into something like a addiction.

It's almost like getting away with murder everytime. I have to stop because it makes me feel awfull each and everytime i do it. Worst part is that i know how to deal with this. Whenever i have a ego boost its either from girls or from reaching goals i set up for myself (like jogging every morning or anything else healthy etc.)

I got weird fantasies i admit, but it's all about trust to me. It's just that i for some reason believe the gay guy who says im hot. But i wouldn't believe the girl ,who says she believes im hot. Unless i learned to really trust her, or i think she only says that because she thinks she cant get anything better. But at the end of the day i dont get a ego boost from guys, just a feeling of failure.

I would like to know how to deal with the urge though. I might need to do some cleansing as you said. Like not watching porn, or touching myself for a month. To see where it gets me. Everytime i do that though; i always start with straight stuff and end up in gay stuff because i don't feel satisfied about myself. And it's like some kind of comformation that i suck, so ''i should be just watching or doing humiliating stuff because thats where i belong''.

I know that may sound stupid. But thats where my head keeps going. Either way if you dont reply anymore i'd like to thank you anyways. You been very helpfull and honestly i wish i could return the favour somehow. <3

If you wanted to "pay it forward" sometime, that would be great. You seem determined to resolve this, so when you do, if you notice someone else round the forum with similar issues, say hi.

Another idea about the urges would be to write about them when they happen. It would be IMPERATIVE that you have a completely private place to do that!!! I journal daily and much of what I write about is the contents of my head and how I feel about it. [Unrelated issue though.] I find over time that I have insights when writing that I wouldn't have ever had by just thinking. And most ideas for improvements have come out of it too. The main rule I'd advise is not to judge yourself! Don't care about spelling or handwriting. Don't care about repeating yourself. [There's a power in doing that, I see it as a good thing.] And don't criticise what you're writing. Yes there's a problem. That's OK. Problems create solutions. And solutions make us more interesting people.

One way to handle the "I suck" and urge thoughts is to overdub them in a silly voice. Mickey Mouse is a top choice, but if your imagination can do a good Snooki or Lady Gaga, great. The aim is to laugh at them, rather than being mean to yourself. ''i should be just watching or doing humiliating stuff because thats where i belong''. Is a hurtful thought if it's in your own inside voice. If you can imagine it into someone else's voice, it gets easier to see it as a thought you are having, rather than a thought you ARE. To detach from it. It doesn't make it go away, but is less hurtful like that. If that's helpful, you could look more into ACT therapy [which I like. And should use more myself!] It might give you a framework for tackling all this.

Try to keep it simple, though. I've probably put way too much here. Experiment and see what helps. And then let us know Today's a good day to make that kind of plan.

forumhelp wrote:

Wiley wrote:Thank you for sharing your story with us, forumhelp. I can see it's quite a tough situation you are in.
From your descriptions, I think that you sometimes derive satisfaction from making your life go worse. It's like you can't tolerate the image of yourself having a good and wonderful life. I would suggest you to see a therapist to cure this self-sabotaging tendency. I used to do this to myself too by masturbating a lot. However, when something good is going on in my life, something really good, I always told myself that I am worthy of love and of those good things, that I don't want to ruin those good things. So if you can cultivate more positive energies in your life and allow yourself to enjoy them, I hope things will go well.

Good luck. Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

But how do i stop it? When my urge to do it is so strong, i can't seem to tell myself to stop. In my mind i always seem to find a reason why it's ok for me to do it. It's like being a obese person who can't get enough of cake. I was thinking of channeling that urge into something else but i wouldn't know how.

As much as i'd like a therapist i don't think i'd have the courage of saying all of this to someone face to face. Not only that; i can't afford one either. Thanks for the support though..

You are right. I know how difficult it is to really "stop" at those moments. However I do believe it's a gradual process. Two years ago when I was hit by the sex urge, I couldn't think of anything else but to go to my computer. Now, I could think of other options in my mind and actually do some of them such as exercise, instantly close my computer or talk to my friend online, etc.

I would suggest you make a list of things you want to do in life but haven't done because of all kinds of reasons. I made a list such as skating, trying a new restaurant every day, trying all kinds of sports in the gym, etc. To some extent, the novel and physical experience these activities can provide me always decrease my sex urge. Also, I tended to always make a plan for tomorrow so that I know I "have something important to do" tomorrow and I would not ruin my future by porn.

Anyway, it's really a long process and I now started to just be content with small progresses. I really hope that this could encourage you a little bit. Good luck, friend!

forumhelp wrote:I don't know what i am really. So i really need advice. It might get a little graphic...But i hope someone reads it and helps me.

This started years ago, i don't know when exactly but it was in my teens. When i got horny i would go on chatsites and try to find girls to cam with me. Ussually just to fap for them on cam. I got a few to watch me do it back then. Seems like a pretty...common thing since alot of kids that age did things like that, like sending nude pics and vids and what not.

After awhile i think i got bored with it. Or lost interest i dont remember why. Fast forward a few years and i did it again. I always got excited when i knew someone was watching me nude. I specifically liked it when they wore clothes and i didn't. I got so into it that i let a girl dominate me for a long while, she would tell me what to do on cam and i'd do it; following her commands.

But some time after that she got a boyfriend and didn't want to do it with me anymore. But at that point i realised i needed a release. But since i couldnt get it out of her i tried to get it somewhere else. Thats when i stumbled to a massive porn site with ALOT of types of porn. It was like a archive of alot of sites put togheter in one.

So then the days began of me looking for new porn. It started with hentai. Then it moved on to lesbian strapon....And from that point it just got weirder and weirder. I'd watch Femdom videos such as ''Jerk off instructions'' and ''strapon femdom''...basically anything that would degrade me in some way in the fantasy...I'd always feel ashamed but i got numb to it after awhile...

But i was tired of porn. I guess it wasn't enough for me to just ''finish'' i wanted to be watched. But i had a hard time finding girls who would want that...so one day i just turned to a guy. There were enough gay guys who wanted to watch me on cam and tell me what to do...

I got really into the being humiliated part. I'd even ask them to be dominant and treat me bad. At first i wouldn't ever show my face....some time later i was ok to even cum on my own face. After awhile i liked it even more when guys watched me; because it felt more of a humiliation.

So i started watching gay porn. But it didnt turn me on. The only thing that turned me on was if a male or female was humilated/dominated. I found it arrousing to watch guys get used and abused by the dominant male or female.

So i started to think i was gay or bi or something. This didn't help with my confidence , it really went down the drain honestly. Everytime it just got worse; i'd do more and more for the people who saw me on cam asked of me. And even though i was constantly ashamed and felt like $#%^ doing so. I kept doing it.

It felt like it got out of hand because i couldn't always get turned on without being humiliated in a way. And it scared me. I tried explaining it to a girl who listened to me at the time. And she said that i might be ''pansexual'' or something.

I wasn't attracted to guys. But i would fantasize about having sex with one. That feeling always left me after every orgasm though. I never had feelings for a guy before either , and to this day i still never felt anything for one. But for girls; i fell in love multiple times. And i always found them to be really attractive.

But i never really thought any girl would be attracted to me. And the ones that would...weren't exactly my type....it was even abit of a turn off when they were attracted to me somehow. I think this was because of my lack off confidence, because of my looks or penis size.

Even though i dont look ugly, im just slim. And abit hairy, nothing i cant handle. But my penis size is no larger than 5 inches. Wich is average so i shouldn't really complain. Totally when there are ppl walking around with 1 inch.

But i still feel like i'v got no confidence. But i'm not stupid. I know how to fix all of this. I just need some closure and comfort. I need to get in shape by working out, and stop watching all of this humiliation crap.

My problem is that i don't know how to. I keep crawling back to it after every 2 weeks of stopping. Everytime im just a litle satisfied with myself, its like i somehow want to ruin it for myself by humiliating myself infront of others. This can be all a fetish or whatever, but it's ######6 useless if it's making me feel like crap and putting my entire life out of balance. Also i still don't know if im gay or not. I just seem to enjoy gay humiliation, and because i like girls alot i get mixed up with trannies aswell.

I never had any irl encounters with guys sexually. Just with girls. Please help me out. That is if you haven't stopped reading halfway. I mean i even wanted to stop halfway...so i'd understand.

Why do you feel so ashamed? That's your only problem. What you are doing sounds perfectly normal. I don't even think you are gay, you just get a major stress relief from gay humiliation. We live in an extremely homophobic intolerant culture so of course freeing yourself from that by being submissive entertainment for gay men is going to feel very arousing and liberating. After you do it next time don't feel bad about yourself, accept it for what it is and don't let it bring you down.

Sexual orientation labels can really mess things up. Words have great power, as "Professor Dumbledore" said in Harry Potter 8, "Words are our greatest source of magic. Capable of inflicting harm or remedying it." So if someone's label is "gay" is can negative effect their self-image if their world they exist in has a negative view of gays. But ultimately we can all enjoy a sex life without any label at all, so when the label presents us difficulties, try simply ignoring the label side of things and do whatever you enjoy doing. Labels are more for other people's ease of referring to us anyway. I enjoy sex with boys as well as girls and am fine being identified as "bisexual." But if seeing a boy I'm effectively gay since I'm only being intimate with him. Likewise, if involved with a girl I'm effectively straight. So though to another person I'm bisexual, to my partner of the moment I'm either gay or straight. So how important is the label afterall?

Would add additionally 'weird' is a good thing. I've always said if sane normal people are in charge of everything, given the general mess around the world, don't aspire to be sane or normal so quickly.

"Ah it's great to be young and insane." Michael Keaton, "The Dream Team"

KevinG31 wrote:
Why do you feel so ashamed? That's your only problem. What you are doing sounds perfectly normal. I don't even think you are gay, you just get a major stress relief from gay humiliation. We live in an extremely homophobic intolerant culture so of course freeing yourself from that by being submissive entertainment for gay men is going to feel very arousing and liberating. After you do it next time don't feel bad about yourself, accept it for what it is and don't let it bring you down.

What you just wrote is implying that the cure for his problems would be doing more or the same amount of things he described as a problem.
You don't get rid of drug addiction by doing drugs and accepting that you are a junkie. You don't get rid of pedophile thoughts by thinking some more about having sex with children and stop being ashamed of it.
I am not saying that trying to accept and embrace our personality is a bad thing. I just think that in this case it may be harmful.

Just to make it clear; I can basically relate to OP's story, becouse I've been having similar problems.
I am not yet perfectly clean in terms of my sexual behavior and watching weird porn, however I can tell you : I am a happy dude now. I menaged to overcome my anxieties and fears about my sexuality. I finally feel normal. All it took was searching for God. Jesus has helped me find the truth, and healed me. Thats the only thing out of millions that has worked, and Im glad.

Feel free to comment.