Possibly sexually abused

I'd rather not state my name, but I'm almost 19 and I live in the USA.

Anyway, when I was 14 and 15 I started having major panic attacks and sudden worries about previous sexual abuse. Now, mind you that I'm not even sure if any of the flashbacks I've had are real or made up. Half of the time I think they're real, and the other half I feel like I'm crazy and just making it up for attention - even though I've told only 4 people about any of this, until now.

From 12-14 I was extremely paranoid. I was actually pursued by a child molester at 13, but my mom came around before anything could happen. That experience really tipped my brain off, I think, if anything really did happen when I was younger.

As a child I had a huge interest in sex. I'm a devout Christian and we don't believe in premarital sex or masturbation or any of that. I have strong faith in my religion, but as a small child - as early as 6, I remember - I was so sexually curious. My cousin and I agreed one time to show each other our privates because we were curious about the opposite sex. I would draw pictures of naked people, and I felt strange (aroused) whenever I saw sexual stuff on TV. I kept all of this hidden, of course, because I felt completely ashamed. As I grew older I learned what sex actually was. I had never known until my parents gave me the talk at 8. Around ages 6-9, somewhere in between there, I remember wondering if I was ever molested. Which doesn't make sense, since I didn't even know there was really such a thing. I knew there were bad guys out in the world that could hurt me, but I didn't even know what molestation was.

Earlier in my years I had experienced night terrors, and later on, as I mentioned, I began to experience severe paranoia. I never told anyone about it, but I would just be frightened to walk 5 yards to check the mail - especially if there were cars driving down the road - because I was scared of being kidnapped but especially of being assaulted/raped.

At 14 I began to feel as if I had been sexually abused at least once in my life. I couldn't tell you when, and I don't even know/remember what triggered my strong concern. I would lay awake crying at night, unsure of what to do. I didn't want to tell my parents because I didn't even know, and when I told my best friend I was shaking and my teeth were chattering and I was crying - I felt like I was having a panic attack.

Eventually, I told my mom, but we decided to keep it from my dad until/unless we knew for sure that it had happened. She gave me some books (she was severely abused as a child by her father) and I read them. I was shocked by how many spots on the checklist I could check off. Panic attacks/anxiety, strange habits, big fears, body image issues, night terrors, medical problems that can't be explained, fear of sex/sexual contact yet extremely curious about it, trust issues, severe anger problems around the age it (may have) happened, etc. After that I started having flashbacks of things. I don't know how accurate they are, or even if they're real. Sometimes I feel crazy just thinking about it, let alone talking about it right now. But images like a penis in my face and just feeling dread. I don't remember most of my childhood from the time I was 2-10. I don't know if this would've happened once, or more than once. I know as a child I was extremely violent, especially towards my mom.

Sometimes I feel so helpless. I don't remember anything, but I feel like it really did happen. But when I feel that way I also feel crazy, and like I'm making it up for sympathy or attention, even though I tell hardly anyone. In my life I've told a total of 4 people about my suspicions.

Sometimes I feel fine - as if I'm a survivor, if it did happen, and like it doesn't affect me. But other times I do feel like I'm somewhat paralyzed by it; that, instead of being a survivor, I'm only a victim. I know that even if it did happen, I shouldn't let it affect me. I should be a survivor. But I feel insane sometimes, trying to decide if I'm asked by a doctor if I should say that I was or wasn't molested. I'm tempted to go to therapy, but I worry my dad will start asking questions. I probably should go, though, since I've been feeling pretty depressed lately on and off.

I'm not sure if I should do anything. Any of you who know for a fact that you have been abused, do I sound crazy? And please do be honest - I can handle it. I just want to know if I'm crazy or not, if I'm making it all up. I've been questioning for 5 years now, and though I have no doubt that I'm still a virgin, other things may have happened that scarred me. I know that chasing after memories may taint them, or make it worse, but is there anything I can do that may help me slowly remember anything that may have occurred?

Help?

Hi anomymoususer,

I see how much you struggle with the question of whether you were abused as a child or not. I can't tell you whether something happened or didn't but one thing I can tell is that you are not unique in this struggle. Many people feel like you do, they feel like something might have happened to them but they aren't sure. They can have many symptoms that the sexual abuse survivors/victims have but still not have any memories of abuse. The best you can do to help yourself is to see a therapist. They won't be able to tell you if you were abused or not, but they will facilitate your process in the way that might allow some memories to come up in case if something did happen or some other explanation or insight may come to you. In any case, you'd be able to explore it in a safety of private settings.

WM

Thank you for your advice, wisemonkey!

I've never been to therapy before. Is there a specific kind of therapist I should look into, or should I just go into any therapist and tell them the problem?

I'd suggest that you look for a therapist that has experience with sexual abuse. You can read my article on how to select a therapist here http://therapyconsumerguide.com/how-to-select-a-therapist/ Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me any questions.

WM

Hi anonymoususer, you are definitely not alone. I also don't have any memory of what happened to me and I didn't even know about it until about 10 years ago when my mom decided to tell me. I had alot of the symptoms growing up so I know that something really did happen but I have alot of doubts about it too. I don't know what parts are true or false because I don't remember anything so sometimes I feel like I'm making it up too. I was very depressed and scared and had alot of anxiety when I was a kid, I had self-image and socializing issues, and I was also very curious about sex and getting aroused when I was too young to even know what sex was. And recently I've come across a complete aversion to any type of intimate action I'd try to have with boyfriends that would result in panic attacks. I've worked through most of these issues with a therapist and I agree with WM, try to find someone who specializes in sexual traumas. It's also important to feel comfortable talking with whatever therapist you choose because some of them aren't going to be a good match, so if the first one doesn't work out then try another. I am 21 and I go to college, most colleges offer free counseling so I looked up online each of the couselors that they have and picked the one that was going to fit me best and it's worked out just fine. My best advice for when things get tough is to just breathe, I know it's cheesey but when I start geting worked up about everything it really does help to just take a step back.

Hi anonymous,
I must say when I read your post I was quite surprised to discover that someone has had an experience so similar to my own. About three years ago I became overwhelmed with the fear/feeling that I may have been sexually abused. Eventually the feeling grew into these flashback/panic attack things. I would begin to panic and lose my breath and then I would experience a "body memory" where I could feel myself being raped. It was terrible and very upsetting. After a lot of therapy I discovered that my memories where false. I realized that I had subconsciously created a trauma in order to process, validate and express all the feelings of shame, sadness and hurt that I had experienced in other areas of my life.
Please know that you are not crazy. I can't tell you whether your memories or real or created, but I can assure you that in exploring yourself and looking for help, you are on the right track. My best advice to you is to avoid obsessing over the specifics of the flashbacks, or trying to figure out whether or not you could have been assaulted. Honestly, that just makes it more difficult to find the truth, because it can lead your mind to false assumptions which is really dangerous. It's also really important that you accept both possibilites (the possibility that you were abused and the possibility that you have created these memories as a way of coping with something else) because your subconscious won't let you discover the truth if you're not ready to handle it.
I think it's important that you find a therapist, however I would urge you to be cautious of anyone who says they can help you recover your memories through hypnosis or guided visualization, (although, I know it can seem tempting to find a quick answer to this incredibly upsetting uncertainty) because these methods are known to create false memories.
Remember that you are not crazy, and what ever the truth it's okay, there's no shame in it. Focus on dealing with the emotional issues that are troubling you and the memories or lack of memories, will follow.
Best of Luck! <3

Thank you so much, to all of you, for the support! I've actually been feeling better than before about the whole thing, though it comes and goes. I have still been feeling somewhat depressed, though, so because of that and my suspicions I'm looking into counseling now and hopefully I'll be able to get with someone in the next couple of months, if I can afford it!

If not, then I can cope without it until I can afford it. I have for this long. When I posted I was going through a lot of reoccurring panics about the whole situation - as if I was 14 and 15 again and panicking about it possibly happening. I haven't panicked about it except a couple of times since, and I've been so busy with work that I've hardly thought about it.

I'm going to look into therapy, regardless, though, and eventually see someone about this.

I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone in my struggle of uncertainty. I really feel crazy for not being sure, though I know it's possible for sexual abuse memories to be suppressed.

I'm scared that if my memories are false that I'll feel as if I'm a liar to myself and those I've told. I think that's another reason why I haven't told many people - because I partially feel like a liar for saying anything when I'm uncertain still. In a way I don't want them to be false only because I don't want to feel insane for making up such ideas, suspicions, and memories, but that within itself probably sounds crazy. I truly hope that it didn't happen to me - I wish it never happened to anyone. I'll just feel even more crazy if they turn out to be false.

How do you cope when they are false memories, though? Going from believing one thing to discovering another, something completely different?

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a liar and having all the uncertainty. And it doesn't sound crazy to me about wanting it to be true while still hoping it isn't. Any kind of proof would settle my mind so much and make me feel like I'm not some crazy person that has made everything up. I can think of so many things that suggests that more has happened to me than this little part that my mom had told me about. But I don't remember a single thing actually happening so I have so many doubts. I wonder if I would have ever even figured it out if my mom hadn't clued me in that I have supressed memories. I overanalyze and I'm a logical thinker so all I want is for things to add up and for everything that I feel to have a reason behind it, but I don't have answers so it's frustrating.

I have no idea how I would react or cope if I were to find out that there is more to the story or if it's completely different, but I understand the fear of it. All I can really do for myself right now is work on dealing with the symptoms. I have worked though most of them, like the anxiety, depression, body issues and socializing, but feeling afraid of/disgusted by taking part in any intimate action is still a huge problem of mine. So I may never have all the answers but atleast I can try to take control of my own life in the meantime.

I'm scared that if my memories are false that I'll feel as if I'm a liar to myself and those I've told. I think that's another reason why I haven't told many people - because I partially feel like a liar for saying anything when I'm uncertain still. In a way I don't want them to be false only because I don't want to feel insane for making up such ideas, suspicions, and memories, but that within itself probably sounds crazy.

I've definitely been through this. When I realized that my memories were false I felt very ashamed. I worried that I was crazy, perverted, and a liar. After a lot of therapy and personal work I realized that my subconscious created these memories as a way of understanding and processing my emotional experience. I channeled the feelings and betrayals that I couldn't face into false memories of abuse. I've come to terms with it. I'm not crazy, I was doing my best to look after myself with the resources and knowledge that I had. I'm not a liar, I shared my experience (of having uncertain and false memories) with those I trusted because I NEEDED their help and support.
What I'm trying to say is that your feelings, your experience, and your struggle is valid regardless of whether or not you were abused. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be accepting of yourself regardless of what has or has not happened, and what you feel.

How do you cope when they are false memories, though? Going from believing one thing to discovering another, something completely different?

It was definitely difficult to cope with my false memories. It took a lot of therapy and personal work, but so does dealing with true memories of abuse. I am extremely grateful that I was never abused, but discovering this didn't mean that my emotional problems disappeared. Changing my beliefs about the past was challenging but once I recovered enough to see the truth, the doubt was gone and that was a major relief.

My best advice to you would be to trust in the healing process. Trust that whatever happens in your recovery and whatever has or has not happened in your past, you can deal with it, you can heal. And most importantly remember that (regardless of your past and your future) you are a worthwhile individual and you deserve happiness.

Hi all. I don't know if anyone still looks at these threads. I only just rediscovered this after many years of searching. In fact, I was just talking to my therapist about this post last week in our session, so it's ironic that I found it again.

I am currently in therapy doing EMDR to process trauma. Right now, we're working through my sexual abuse. My therapist is AMAZING and never leads the process. She lets me do all the talking and guiding throughout our EMDR work, which leads me to have confidence in the things I've discovered in this process.

Since starting EMDR (and since my first post here) I've had several other memories come to light, including physical memories (where I feel it but don't visualize what happened). The severity and certainty I felt when these memories came back leads me to feel sure I was molested, even though I know very little about the experience and even though I still feel that doubt.

Along with all of this, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, which could feed into my constant self-doubt. My therapist thinks the constant doubt and berating my mind causes me to feel is at least somewhat led by the obsessive-thoughts side of my OCD, which makes complete sense. She's helping me learn to cope with the doubts and to recognize and remember those moments when I felt 100% sure this was real.

All of this came to a head when I was forcefully kissed by a young man I trusted back in 2014. He isn't a bad guy or a predator. He was just an idiot. But this experience was extremely triggering to me and led me down a path for 3.5 years of struggling, as well as mental health issues that increasingly got worse over time until I could no longer forego a therapist. I was really blessed to have a great experience with this one, since my first attempt (right after the forceful kissing) was a terrible experience.

Anyway, since my original post, I've come to understand that I'm not crazy. Regardless of what happened that caused this much impact, it DID impact me so severely that I was almost agoraphobic at one point (in 2017) and that I feared men and had panic attacks. Smells and sounds and textures would trigger me and my brain would automatically associate them with the abuse. These things and so many other experiences have led me to feel confident that I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

On an even more positive note, I am happily married and sexually functional, which I was 100% sure would be impossible for me. After that experience in 2014, I realized that if I didn't seek some sort of help/healing, I wouldn't be functional sexually with a future spouse because I was just far too afraid. I was lucky to find someone who is amazingly patient and loving and compassionate. I feel safe and have taken back my sexuality and I am grateful that I had that opportunity.

I wanted to post this comment for a few reasons:

1) To give hope to those who may be in the middle of what I experienced. I'm not out of it yet, and I know it'll still impact me throughout my life, but I am so much more aware and so much better off than I was when I first posted.
2) To update those who commented (if they're even still around) on my progress.

Thank you!