I was so hyper sexual

the abuse made me so hyper. so so hyper n I just wanted more n more of it. I'm 35 now. I don't know where abuse stops n where I begin.
I am not a fan of flings n one night stands, yet it hurts me to know that I've subjected my body to it.
imo sex should be between lovers who emotionally connect n not like a need.
i dont seek pity. I don't even know what I want anymore. I just don't like this life. I wish I had another chance at life without early exposure to sex.
i dont think I'll ever get better.
the urges have reduced I guess.
but I feel such hatred for the abuser n also for my family. how could they ignore such a thing. the cousin was a year older.

I just hate this life. dad died early. I was 11 n had no one to look up to when I grew up.
I just hate hate hate this life. just want to burn it up n clean it up.
this is more like a rant.

It has that effect on you. I know from experience

Good to see you online, Maria! Hope that you're doing well.

And though we've had a few people come here for whom childhood sexual abuse has caused them to not want sex, that feels as if it's more then exception, than the rule. Or maybe not as many people affected like that come to PF, because they don't see lack of sexual desire as a problem. I wonder if that's a statistic that has been tabulated? I'd be interested in knowing.

Of course me, I wanted more, and only my own anxieties and neurosis kept me from being promiscuous. Possibly my religion also, but if so, just barely. I don't think that alone would have kept me from it.

I think with time, Jaus, yes the urges get less intense. But when I say 'with time', I probably really mean, 'with age'. Whether that's just resignation, or, just losing interest when sliding into one's sixth decade, I don't really know. Or maybe it's knowing I'm not young and pretty any longer, ha.

But yes eventually it gets better I think. Way eventually, maybe, but eventually. But then for me, it's always something that has come and gone in waves.

Maria97 wrote:It has that effect on you. I know from experience

yeah... i'm sorry it ends up this way

Snaga wrote:I think with time, Jaus, yes the urges get less intense. But when I say 'with time', I probably really mean, 'with age'. Whether that's just resignation, or, just losing interest when sliding into one's sixth decade, I don't really know. Or maybe it's knowing I'm not young and pretty any longer, ha.

But yes eventually it gets better I think. Way eventually, maybe, but eventually. But then for me, it's always something that has come and gone in waves.

yeah the urges have reduced. i mean when i recall the urges n desires i had earlier, i no longer fancy them.

thinking about them feels like there's a wall in my brain n i'm trying to break the wall and it hurts.
i wish this wall had been there from the beginning.
life wouldve been easier had i not been abused.
not sure if its the past that led to addiction --> making gay pass on a friend at 23 years old (2013) which caused my nervous breakdown.
the colleague later slapped the back of my head.
i ended up resigning, switching jobs, spending my days reading about bpd, csa, narc caretakers etc etc

there have been so so many relapses. so many friendships broken. so many opportunities lost.
i am still obsessed with hating the friend on whom i made gay pass.
not sure if he was narc.

my social image literally went down the drain.
wish the abuse hadnt happened to begin with.

Snaga wrote:Good to see you online, Maria! Hope that you're doing well.

And though we've had a few people come here for whom childhood sexual abuse has caused them to not want sex, that feels as if it's more then exception, than the rule. Or maybe not as many people affected like that come to PF, because they don't see lack of sexual desire as a problem. I wonder if that's a statistic that has been tabulated? I'd be interested in knowing.

Of course me, I wanted more, and only my own anxieties and neurosis kept me from being promiscuous. Possibly my religion also, but if so, just barely. I don't think that alone would have kept me from it.

I think with time, Jaus, yes the urges get less intense. But when I say 'with time', I probably really mean, 'with age'. Whether that's just resignation, or, just losing interest when sliding into one's sixth decade, I don't really know. Or maybe it's knowing I'm not young and pretty any longer, ha.

But yes eventually it gets better I think. Way eventually, maybe, but eventually. But then for me, it's always something that has come and gone in waves.

I think it had that effect on me because of the amount of sex that was involved. Particularly when he took me on the camping trips. We’d travel in his suv/camper vehicle and in those moments he was always having sex with me. So I associated sex with quantity.

Hey Jaus,

Glad to see you're still around. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles though. Hypersexuality is a real pain especially when you've experienced sexual abuse. A lot of people will be completely repulsed by sex after abuse, and that's what people have come to expect from abuse survivors. However, it's actually very common for the opposite to happen, just the people that experience hypersexuality tend to not talk about it because of various reasons.
They could be ashamed or repulsed by their actions or they could feel like it discredits what happened to them, etc. Some survivors actually return to their abuser (there are stories on this very forum about that. To be entirely honest, I did that myself too thanks to hypersexuality).
What you need to know is that you're not alone, and though it's definitely not pleasant, you can get through this. Talking about it is always a great first step.

We're here for you!

To get to Snaga real quick:

Snaga wrote:...we've had a few people come here for whom childhood sexual abuse has caused them to not want sex, that feels as if it's more then exception, than the rule. Or maybe not as many people affected like that come to PF, because they don't see lack of sexual desire as a problem. I wonder if that's a statistic that has been tabulated? I'd be interested in knowing.

It's currently extremely difficult (read: impossible) to test for a direct causal link between childhood sexual abuse and hypersexuality later in life, and there have been no statistical studies done on this in the past. However, research does imply there is correlation between the two. It's simply hard to determine how much stems from childhood sexual abuse or what stems from other disorders that tend to come with this sort of trauma. So, sadly no precise statistics and I don't think we will ever be able to get those as it's ethically incorrect to perform an experiment that could test this.

~Grey

it disgusts me. the very act of sex. the very act of being happy after sex disgusts me. reminds me of the abuser's smirk. of the bully's smirk.
the act of sex. i dont want to laugh or be happy/proud after that. it makes me feel i'm an abuser.

So, am I reading that you do or have felt happy after sex, but don't feel you should, Jaus?

Just making sure I'm reading you right.

Snaga wrote:So, am I reading that you do or have felt happy after sex, but don't feel you should, Jaus?

Just making sure I'm reading you right.

i dont feel happy after sex. it disgusts me. the whole act makes me wish childhood had never happened.

in childhood once a guy 3 years older had tried to kiss me. i pushed him away vehemently. he tried it a few more times. i always pushed him away.

but somehow i couldnt do same with cousin who was of same age. idk why. there was a passiveness with him.

could be because mom literally yelled at me always to hang out with him.

with the 1st guy whom i pushed away, we were together out of choice, would play/study together. so i had strenght to say no to him.

but with second guy, mom would drain me of all my energy by arguing with me, manipulating me to hang out with him.

i would go to him like a zombie, dead, lifeless guy n then he'd touch me.

i hate mom. i just hate everyone and everything.

***

if i smirk (not just after sex but in general), it reminds me of the abuser's smirk, the narcissistic bully's smirk who'd always smirk after a snide remark.

if i think of sex, it reminds me of the sex the cousin would do to me n i feel yuck. like yuck.

i wish to hell it had never happened. there's only 1 life. no afterlife.
n i lost mine

I wasn't sure if it was your feeling of happy, or the other person's that you were speaking of, that disgusts you. If it was yours- that is to say, the moment of feeling happy or satisfied, before the disgust descends, then I was going to suggest that enjoying it could also be a way of taking ownership of it. That is to say, living well and enjoying things is the best revenge.

Yes, what happened shouldn't have. But I hate thinking that you let it rob you of all pleasures. I also understand it's much easier said, than done, this isn't a judgment, nor do I mean to be glib about how you feel. I know I get set into certain attitudes, and even though I can think of ways to feel good about whatever it is that I am so negative about, I quite find that I prefer to keep my anger.

I just wish that I could do better at that, and especially that you could also find a way to be more accepting of yourself and your sexual urges, and let go of some of the anger- which doesn't even mean getting rid of the hate for your cousin, or anything close to forgiveness. Merely a decision that you will not let him or your mom dictate and prolong how you feel about yourself, about sex, about life.

Probably nothing you haven't been told before, or that I've suggested. I wish there were some magic formula I could hand to you, some magic procedure or train of thoughts or a pill that would instantly make you more content with yourself.

As a bit of a tangent- if there were a magic pill, that would take away all same-sex desire and instantly make you straight, give you confidence with women, etc., would you take it? I don't particularly care for my sexuality (not straight but not completely gay, either), but there is a part of me that, though I have often felt miserable about myself and my unrequited desires, definitely would not want me to take that pill. It would feel too much like a lobotomy. It would be taking away something that is part of me. How would you handle such an opportunity? It's easy to say one would take the pill, but would it also take away something that you feel is too central to who you are? I feel I would lose who I am, with such a pill. Even though those are parts of me I try to hide from the world.