I was so hyper sexual

which doesn't even mean getting rid of the hate for your cousin, or anything close to forgiveness. Merely a decision that you will not let him or your mom dictate and prolong how you feel about yourself, about sex, about life.

yeah the anger doesnt go. everyone says forgive and its not like i'm some saint. even i'm a saint. i wish sex were more structured in this society lol.. like no kids every do it.

Probably nothing you haven't been told before, or that I've suggested. I wish there were some magic formula I could hand to you, some magic procedure or train of thoughts or a pill that would instantly make you more content with yourself.

yeah even i wish for same.

As a bit of a tangent- if there were a magic pill, that would take away all same-sex desire and instantly make you straight, give you confidence with women, etc., would you take it? I don't particularly care for my sexuality (not straight but not completely gay, either), but there is a part of me that, though I have often felt miserable about myself and my unrequited desires, definitely would not want me to take that pill. It would feel too much like a lobotomy. It would be taking away something that is part of me. How would you handle such an opportunity? It's easy to say one would take the pill, but would it also take away something that you feel is too central to who you are? I feel I would lose who I am, with such a pill. Even though those are parts of me I try to hide from the world.

yeah i'd take the pill. i'd give it some thought. maybe say a goodbye to all the parts of me associated with it, and then take the pill.
life would be easier.

maybe i'd be a different person, maybe arrogant, snobbish or even homophobe. but at least i'd be happy. i wouldnt be chained to my past. wouldnt be a slave. i'd be free. wouldn't be stuck to the memories of the abuse, the bullies, the narc... i would be free.
i was free for some time before i met the bullies n narcisstic person on whom i made the gay pass n who said it's ok but later slapped my head when i was crying.

i would be free of the memories of their smirks. i'd be free.
maybe a part of me would die. maybe i'd be less sensitive, less funny, less intelligent. more boring. but i'd be free of this regret.
i'd give an arm for it tbh.

i wish it werent me. life wouldve been so much easier.