i was a young girl and abused by father, why am i like this?

sorry for my english i am originally from ukraina. i never told anyone this before, because i feel so much shame. how do i deal with the following situation? i was abused as a child between the ages of 11 and 14 by my father and then he left me and my mom. my mom always denied it was abuse even though ive seen everything you could imagine. this made me broken girl beyond i could ever have imagined. then the war in ukraina broke out and we left the country and after that moment the flashbacks of that period stopped and they are very vague but now, i REALLY hate it and HATE to say it, start to feel sympathy for what happened and i am not able to enjoy the normal things with intamacy anymore but they come up as something nice, which i hate hate hate myself for. sometime i wake up in the middle of the night and i saw vague flash backs but with sympathy and this angers me. i dont even know how to explain, because i feel disgusted by myself and i am too ashamed to tell anyone. what would be the best way to cure this? from where i am from i was teached that mental things are not real so i am not used to this and there is no support from family. sorry for this and thank you doctor for reading.

Hello and welcome!

idkanymore10 wrote:thank you doctor for reading

No, no doctors here, we're a peer support forum. Just other people who have been through similar things.

You're doing the best you can with your English, don't worry about it, we'll work things out here together.

If I read you correctly, you have troubles with intimacy, but at the same time, I think that you're also trying to say that while you have intimacy issues, you also find yourself remembering the abuse with positive emotions? You're using the word sympathy, and you also say they come up as something nice, so I'm assuming from that, that a part of you remembers the abuse with fondness or longing for it? As if part of you enjoys the memories of the abuse?

For which you feel ashamed and disgusted with yourself. Am I correct with my assumption?

You're not alone in this- it's a common reaction. Many people who have posted here have described that they either enjoyed the abuse, or they find that they remember it fondly, or fantasize about it, or wish it hadn't ended, or that they miss it. While at the same time understanding that it was abuse and that it was bad and that it affected them in ways that sometimes interfere with having normal relationships. This seems to be a very common thing.

I think one thing you have to remind yourself, is that sex is sex, and it feels good, and even when it's abuse, it's still something that involves sex and pleasure that are such an integral part of who we are as human beings. And the body and brain are going to respond to it. Also, when you're a child, sexual predators groom us into the abuse. It's normalised. And if it's a parent, then it gets tangled up in the need for a child to have affection from their parent. I think this is particularly intense when it is cross-gender: Mother-son, Father-daughter. I think especially fathers and daughters, because a father and his approval means so much to little girls. When a father uses that to sexually abuse his daughter, that is some very powerful manipulation that happens.

That's my opinion, anyway. And seems to what a lot of us here have agreed on over the years in this forum.

idkanymore10 wrote:from where i am from i was teached that mental things are not rea

Well, you're not there now. I don't know where you are, but you're not where you were. It would really do you some good to see if you can get some therapy for this, it might help you to heal and to put things in a proper perspective and be given tools to deal with this and turn this bad thing into something that helps you lead a healthier mental and sexual life. I really do hope that you'll consider applying for any kind of mental health help that you can.

@Snaga thanks you very much for the reply. yes you are 100 % correct. you said exactly what i wanted to say but also the shame makes it impossible for me to say!! how is this a normal reaction that i can not see abuse seperate from intimacy? sorry for the words : when i sleep and i have nightmare or dreams i see some parts very clear and i wake up very aroused but the second i know i am awake i feel deep disgust and shame and it destroy my whole day or even days.

i have a ideal idea by a partner but at the same time if i know he can not abuse me it bores me which is something that makes me sick to say write or think about!! who wants this thing? no normal person. but this made my brain messed up. thinks i can not vision anymore or i think i fill in the empty parts in my head are all messed up. i give one example but please i am very ashamed, my father is or was a alcoholic and every time i smeel alcoholic i feel a rush downstairs and i vision myself as the age i mentioned and hope someone will do the same again. this destroys parties everything everywhere i can smell alcohol because me as a person does not want this!!

yes we are in europe now no war is here and people are kind and i am happy with this. but i feel so much shame saying hello i am this and that and this is what happened and now i am not a normal person.

thank you again for the words you understand it very well better than i can say! i read again the forum later because never did i share this every and it make me very emotional.

Well. Sex is sex. Sex feels good (for most of us, anyway). Stimulation is stimulation.

And when you're a child, and you're groomed into it, well, your body is going to respond.

I don't recall the extent of my own small amount of sexual abuse beyond being groped or fondled, by a pederast when I was 12 or 13. But ever since, I have been torn between hatred, and wishing it had continued and evolved. And that was almost 50 years ago! But the desire still remains.

For me, I finally decided that it was a part of me, and I may as well stop feeling conflicted by those wishes and desires, and accept that I'll always want to have had more of the sexual abuse. Even though I also think my pederast deserves a beat down for it. How many boys besides me did he mess with, and mess up? I hope justice caught up with him, it makes me very angry to think of how many besides me might have been messed up by him, it's not right, and it's not fair to any child to be sexually abused. But, still, at the same time... if I could have had more of it, I'd have had more of it- I even sought him out for more of it. Unsuccessfully, but grooming is grooming, and he'd done a better job than maybe he'd realised.

So, I think that it might be hard to completely erase this from your life, but I think that with time a person comes to some kind of compromise with themselves. For me, it's just resignation that okay I want to go back in time (and back in age) and both punish him, and ask for more, simultaneously, even though those two options are mutually exclusive and make no sense at all when placed side by side. I've decided it doesn't have to make sense, it is just what it is, because sexual abuse messes with your head. Even for adults it does- how much more does it mess with you, when you're young? I can spend my time resenting it, I can spend my time feeling conflicted, or I can just 'oh, I'm going to think about that time with him right now' and accept that it's going to happen from time to time that I think about sex and my abuser longingly. Even though he deserves to have had his ass kicked clear to the moon. Just is what it is, and while no one should ever celebrate their sexual abuse, neither do I think they should hate themselves for finding themselves desiring to relive it. Because that kind of thing just seems to happen.

I had a very similar experience. My dad started with me when I was 11 too. When it stopped and I lived my own life, I had trouble finding a good relationship. All sex reminded me of the sex when I had during my abuse.