Pregnancy/ miscarriage from abuse

Trigger warning!!! Incest, suicide, pregnancy/miscarriage
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When I was 13 I went over to my dad's for a weekend. We were at this lake cabin.We picked out this horror movie to watch, it was The Hills Have Eye's 2006 remake. We were all watching it, my older brothers(15), my step sisters(8 & 13), my dad and myself. My step mom did not want to watch the movie. Well my 8 year old step sister was so scared she curled up in my dad's lap. I remember watching the movie & getting this weird feeling, so I glaced over at my dad. He was just staring at me, with my younger step sister in this lap. I just knew what he wanted.
Later that we all went to bed, my step sisters & I shared a room. I was on the floor, since there was only one bed. I couldn't sleep because I just knew. At some point I felt like someone was at the door way. I turned over in my sleeping bag & saw my dad standing there watching my. I got up & went out of the room with him. I didn't put up a fight because he had been grooming me since I was 5. It had been awhile since he did anything to me though. But when I saw my step sister in his lap... I just didn't want him to do anything to her. So I just went with him. When I got out in the hall with him & grabbed my upper arm, put a finger to his lips, telling me to be quiet & lead me outside though the screened porch & onto the deck...where he raped me.
Wasn't the first time & wasn't the last.
I didn't get my period for over 2 months after & I found myself stealing money from my parents coin jar & from my older brothers to go buy a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
I had no idea what to do. I couldn't tell anyone. There was no way. I didn't think anyone would believe & unfortunately I loved my dad because he groomed me for so long, I didn't want to get him in trouble. So I got up the nerve to look in the phone book for a place that did abortions. I found a number under family services I didn't really know what I was doing. I had only vaguely learned about this stuff in school. But the number that I called was horrible. I told the person I needed an abortion, that I was 13. They told me that an abortion was a sin & I would go to hell for killing an unborn child. I whispered "But I was raped...". (This was my first time ever trying to tell someone what was happening to me.) They told me "it doesn't matter. That it was God's will. That God wanted me to bring this "gift" into the world."
I hung up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. (My family is all religious, I tried to believe in God but never really did. Probably because I prayed for the abuse to stop & they went unanswered. After that call, I couldn't ever believe. If that's what God willed, I wanted nothing to do with him.) I was so terrified. I had no one. I didn't even have any friends at the time. I was completely by myself. I was so stressed & scared that I stopped eating. I was thinking about killing myself. I wanted to die. I had no hope for this world. No other plan.
A few weeks later I ended up having a miscarriage.
I told no one. I went into a deep depression.
I still have not told anyone about this part. I've kept this secret for 16 years. I've told my family & the cops about the abuse 3 years ago but I could never let this part out.

But right now, I'm struggling with this. It feels so heavy. I'm weighed down. I'm drowning in the memories. I'm angry. So angry. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like dying...
How do I get over this??? Please if someone can give me advice or a kind word... how do I lift this weight off me?

I finally broke down & told my best friend about this but I'm still so stuck. I feel so rebroken. I've worked so hard to put shattered peices together & build something new. But I feel like it all just shattered back down around me again. I don't know why it's bothering me after all these years...

We're all sorry that you went through what you did. You've taken steps that others never have to bring things to the light and that takes strength and courage. I hope you are feeling better by now, and I hope you can see from what others have been through in these posts, that you are not alone and you have a community wishing you well. I hope you find the support you need from your friend or from other places, having someone to confide can be a big help, sharing that load you're feeling. Perhaps consider a counselor, if for nothing more than someone to be able to talk with and clear your mind.

How are you currently feeling?