Abused by mother

Hi everyone. I'm in my late 30s, male and I'm struggling with memories of being abused by my mother.
All my early years I've lived with the idea that something was wrong with me down there, because she was constantly checking my penis and testicles, making sure "everything was ok". At some point, around the age of 10 or something like that she started telling me how small it was and took me to a doctor. He said there was nothing wrong, but in the next 3 or 4 years she constantly made appointments with doctors to check up on me. At home she would exam me on a daily basis, discussing my erection(yes, I couldn't control it, although I wish I could...) and how it looked, my size and even measuring it. She was constantly trying to convince me I wasn't developing as I should. At the age of 11 I experienced my first dry ejaculation during one of the exams. I had no idea what was going on and felt super scared and ashamed. She didn't even answered my questions about what just happened. Later the same day she just said that I shouldn't touch myself down there, because it's "wrong". Those exams continued for years, every single day, since I moved at age of 19. Later, as I hit puberty she would pull my foreskin back and forward until I ejaculate.
Back then I tried not to thing too much about it. It was a mixture of feelings, but somehow I coped with them. Now, as I'm older I constantly feel guilty about that. Guilty because I let all this to happen and guilty, because a part of me somehow enjoyed. I tried to talk about that with my psychologist, but couldn't open up that much about the details....

This abuse/ treatment on a mother to her son is more common than I ever thought. A long look over this forum will show it. The why of it has always escaped me.
What was your mum's relationship with your father like?
In other ways was she a loving mother, or emotionally estranged?
Do you have a partner, ?

Lastly feeling guilt and shame seems to be the one common thread will ALL sex abuse, and it is unfortunate as you were not controlling what was going on. It was your mother and make biology, you were just along for the ride.

Many of us had sh$%y childhoods. It is kind of what happens later in life that counts.

Terry E. wrote:This abuse/ treatment on a mother to her son is more common than I ever thought. A long look over this forum will show it. The why of it has always escaped me.
What was your mum's relationship with your father like?
In other ways was she a loving mother, or emotionally estranged?
Do you have a partner, ?

Lastly feeling guilt and shame seems to be the one common thread will ALL sex abuse, and it is unfortunate as you were not controlling what was going on. It was your mother and make biology, you were just along for the ride.

Many of us had sh$%y childhoods. It is kind of what happens later in life that counts.

Hi, firstly, thanks for the nice words!
Her relationship with my father was pretty normal, as far as I know. They used to get along quite well. He actually knew what she was doing, not in details, but knew. And he seemed like he didn't care. Was she a loving mother... I'm not sure. I mean she cared about me generally, always provided me with what I needed. but I don't remember her showing any affection or something. To be honest since that "treatment" started, I felt more like a walking penis, if you know what I mean. My private parts were the main subject for most of the time.
I'm actually married now, we're going good with my wife and kid. I've told my wife about my experiences in the past, she's been understanding and supportive, but somehow I can't really open up and talk with her about that, that way I need.
I can't really open up to anyone in real life about that. In the past months I don't know why, but I feel kinda haunted by those memories. I have flashbacks and literally can hear my mother's comments about me, when she was "examining"me. I wish I had the opportunity to talk to her about that now, but she passed away few years ago.

Your mother does not appear to be satisfying her sexual needs with you, and you will never know what drove her. Life comes in many variations. What was behind hers I guess you will never know. From what you are saying it appears to have not been driven by malice. In her own way she may have loved you.

More than that not sure you will ever know.

Terry E. wrote:Your mother does not appear to be satisfying her sexual needs with you, and you will never know what drove her. Life comes in many variations. What was behind hers I guess you will never know. From what you are saying it appears to have not been driven by malice. In her own way she may have loved you.

More than that not sure you will ever know.

I hope you're right. I'm not sure what her intentions were actually. I have some very vague memories of her kissing me down there when I was 9 or 10. I can't tell if it was sexual or not, but I felt like it wasn't something right. I can't remember how many times it happened, but I remember I had to keep this as a secret and shouldn't tell anyone. Later as I grew up and had ejaculations, it was always followed by implying some sort of guilt, or at least I felt it that way. She always used to say something like "You should have told me!", or "Why aren't you more careful?!" and her tone was not OK. And I couldn't say a word, during this, literally couldn't. Like my mouth was sealed. I wish I knew, if she wasn't somehow enjoying it, why she was doing it. To be honest, there any obvious reasons or problems with me down there.