Lack of self control

I have unfortunately made the decision of reaching out to my dad after not speaking for a while. Due to the abuse, I go through phases of extreme hypersexuality. During those phasing I've always fantasized about reconnecting with my father but after I masturbate, that feeling immediately goes away and I become disgusted with myself and almost want to throw up. This week was really bad for my hypersexuality and I finally (I don't even know why I'm using that word) reached out to my dad and I'm seeing him this weekend. Is there something wrong with me?

No dear, there is nothing wrong with you. Don't beat yourself up, and hypersexuality is what it is.

As a species we like to think we are much more cerebral than we are. What you went through, has had a very profound effect on you. It is your body behaving normally to a very abnormal childhood.

It can come on a woman at various times, and can be a result of a trigger, in her emotions. This can last a very long time. It may then be "sorted out"when the trigger is understood, though this is not always the case.

One of the deepest effects of sex abuse is hypersexuality, expressed as promiscuity. Before and after marriage. Can be very damaging, to the psyche and obviously marriages.

As to seeing your father again, be aware that this also may have an effect.

Do you have any support, someone who you have confided in, to lean on ??

Good luck.

Thank you for your reply and yeah I did some google searches on it and I guess it makes sense. Unfortunately we ended up having sex.... I don't know what happened but it was like I regressed back to being a child..

The person who has something wrong here is your dad. He should never have done those things to / with you. I am sorry that he did.

You need to not go near him. It's better to masturbate to a fantasy than to be used like that.

Where is your mother in this? Do you have a therapist?
Your dad is using your trauma against you to get what he wants. You can't let him. Delete his number, move address etc.

All best to you,

~ Grey

You are not the first Sam. Can't explain it simply, people write books on it. Don't beat yourself up too much. we had someone here years ago whose mum had died when she was a young teen and she would go on holidays with her dad and they would sleep together. People thought they were a couple, and with the age difference it did his ego a lot of good. Problem was she also she also wanted a normal life and had a boyfriend and was thinking of getting engaged.
Did not find out how that turned out.

With these the big one is, what happens if you partner up and have a little girl ?? Would you want him to babysit ?

These are not as simple living them as they look from the outside. Maybe step back and look where you want your life to be down the road.

And yes, Grey you are correct on all that.

Thanks for the replies guys. No I currently don't have a therapist and my mom has no idea about the abuse (at least not that I'm aware of). They're now seperated but she knows I spent the weekend with my dad. She obviously doesn't know what we did... Anyways I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only person to have done this but still sick to my stomach. Everything was okay when I saw him but obviously a little awkward but once night time came around, it was like my inner child came back out and I even kinof initiated it. Back when I was getting abused, when I would get horny (disgusting) I would either simply ask my dad "can we have sex?" (He taught me to say that) or to just grab is crotch when I was in the mood and he would know immediately what I wanted. Basically same thing happened this weekend and we had sex a few times. He finished inside me twice so I'll have to get a plan b in the morning. Now that the wave of hypersexuality has worn off, I feel absolutely disgusting.

It's okay. That sounds odd because you don't feel okay and what's going is not right, but your actions and responses are valid. You're not the only person abused in this manner.
Your father groomed you into relying on him for these perfectly natural needs. This is precisely why older people aren't legally allowed to date minors. Your brain hasn't fully formed, you can be trained and molded into what another person wants. I stress, this is NOT your fault!

I am loathe to admit that I struggle with moments of hypersexuality myself. In the past, it's made me cheat on two different exes. As someone on the ace spectrum, I felt like I used them, which is polar to what you're going through but I know how it feels to need sex to the point you lose all sense of self and control. For me, it's related to episodes of a high energy state that I believe may be (hypo)mania at this stage in my journey. It might be for you too. If that's the case a psychiatrist can help you avoid these episodes and reduce the time they take. Otherwise, the only thing you can do is practice self awareness and avoid bad situations (such as meeting up with your dad).

wishing you strength

~ Grey

Nothing to add to what grey said, it was really very, very good. Again, now you know yourself a little better. You can look down at your future life and take more control. Not sure therapy would help that much as you really do appear to have it together - except for this.

Wishing you the best, and take care.

Everything everyone else has said- not sure I can add anything. Just that the father-daughter (like mother-son) bond can be really strong outside of sex, when you add being groomed into adding sex into the mix, that's pretty powerful, I'd think.

Try not to be too disgusted with yourself- I mean, I get it you're going to be. Like Terry said, you know yourself a little better, now. Strengths and limitations. Think of the self-disgust as a useful tool. Some can be helpful, if you're wanting to not have sex with your dad. Too much, I feel as if a person's just spinning their wheels- I'm moderator over in Remorse (and OCD) and after a point, people wallow in their self-disgust/hatred/immolation that that's all they see and get mired in it. Feeling bad about yourself is healthy only up to the point that it ceases to be helpful in changing your situation. Then it's just beating yourself up for no good reason. Especially considering you were groomed into this and this is something you respond to as if it were natural. Yes you're a grown woman and have free agency but still, what's been wired in, has been wired in. Not an excuse for giving in to him, but not just something you can turn off like a light switch, either. I mean honestly, if I were in your place, I'm pretty sure I'd have zero ability to say 'no'. Why I urge you to only feel self-disgust up to a point because while it takes two to tango, most of this isn't your doing.

At least, that's my take on it.

I too have my bouts with hypersexuality and have turned to my abuser (dad) for gratification later in life. This is my first post here and I struggle to be open about this.