stil have sexual fantasies for abuse

i was abused by someone a year older. i was 8 or something.
it wasnt forcible rape but more like he coerced me, initiated it 1st time and now i recall and understand, he would do stuff, touch me in places to turn me on.

it sucks that i still have fantasies for him. n for other men in the sense i want to be treated badly. he still owns me.

i dont hate myself. i just wait for this life to end somehow.

its like your looking at a badly wounded animal in accident and you just want it gone away.

thats how i think of myself. just go away, just praying for this life to end. i hate being OWNED by him.

even now if he comes to my house, i might agree to sleep with him.
or anyone else for that matter.