Gaslighted during abuse *TRIGGER WARNINGS*

I didn’t realize until many years later just how much I was gaslit and manipulated during my abuse from the ages of 11 to 15.

I’d tell him during one of our many “weekend trips: “Idk how much more ploughing I can take( My father explained the meaning of the word to me and how it pertained to sex). It’s been all day, I need to stop for a bit.

And he’d say: “just a little while longer sweetie…let me cum in you a bit more. And then he’d pick up the pace.

I didn’t cry(maybe I should have, it might have made him stop) I just kept my legs up in the air and wrapped my arms around him. That reaction from me must have given him a hint of legitimacy. That it was all alright what he was doing.

And when he’d look at me, I’d look back with a worried look, as if silently saying please stop. He would just repeat the gaslighting and say…oh sweetie I know it’s been a lot for you. I just need this for a little bit more and then we can go shower together.

The gaslighting was his most powerful weapon. It somehow disarmed me. To this day idk why I passively accepted it. I wasn’t scared, he never yelled at me or hit me. He always cloaked the abuse under the guise that I was his special girlfriend.

The gaslighting veiled his selfishness for physical pleasure. I didn’t know it at that time, but I was a sex outlet, a sex doll for relief. He was very good at maintaining a good facade, always “making up for getting too excited during our trips” Very cleverly he gaslit me to accept him using my body as me accomplishing something great. I was “reducing his stress.”

It was a lot to comprehend.

I am sorry for the delay but I have been travelling and did not see it until I checked all my stuff when I got home.
It is hard to read, but should always be written. I guess it was pretty hard to write. I was hoping there was someone out there who could give you a hug.
Abused by ones supposed to care.
You watch everyone else enjoy life while you keep the "secret", knowing your wants and wishes are not respected or cared for. Life can be so unfair. Something many of us well know.
Do you have anyone to talk to ?
Are you looking at or in therapy?
You actually sound very balanced. Not knowing all your ups and downs. It sounds like you have dealt with it very well.
Hope you are OK. Take care.