Conflicting thoughts on abuse/family

Hello everyone. I've reached a point in my life(26) where I've been thinking about this more often. I sometimes go through periods where I toss it in the back of my mind. I think my brother's recent marriage is what's caused it all to boil to the surface.

I'll start at the beginning.

My family was my mom, dad, my brother, and I. We were a normal lower middle class family. We were happy and I thought our lives were perfect.

Out of the blue, my dad was killed in a car accident on his way to work. It changed everything overnight. A few months later, we moved to a smaller house in the town where my mom would be closer to her family and she also went back to work.

She kept everything going. She worked two jobs and very long hours. We always had things and never went hungry. No complaints there. Unfortunately as anyone who has lost someone like that knows, there's a black cloud hanging over everything.

Almost a year later, I was 9 and my brother was 16, he started fixating on me. He would come to my room a lot, follow me around the house, and put his arm around me. When we would watch movies at night before mom would get home, he would cuddle with me on the couch. It would gradually escalate from there. All the compliments, he would hold me and start kissing me, would take some of my clothes off.

I would try resisting him but it was futile. He was too big and stronger than me. This emboldened him. When I went to take a bath he picked the lock and came in. He started bathing me and rubbing me everywhere. I was crying. After it was over I told him I was telling mom when she got home.

All hell broke loose. He started begging for forgiveness, said he'd do anything I wanted if I just wouldn't say anything. When she came home I told her about what happened in the bathroom. As I was telling her, she slapped me across the face mid-sentence. She told me he loved me and was just trying to help me. I went to my room crying and she went to his room. This changed everything.

He started exposing himself the very next day when we got home from school. He continued the kissing and undressing me. Within a couple days he had me performing oral sex on him multiple times a day.

This became the new normal. It eventually reached the point where it's just part of my life and I was a willing participant.

Fast forward. I'm 12 and he's 19. He's ready for actual sex now. He was supposed to move to the dorms for college but decided to stay home instead.

My mom decides to take me to the doctor so I can get on birth control. Even though I'm a kid, I realize this can't be a coincidence. As soon as I'm on the pill, he has sex with me which was excruciating, and continued to be for awhile.

This is when everything is out in the open. He has me move into his bedroom. We're living like boyfriend and girlfriend and my mom sees this but simply doesn't acknowledge it.

This went on until I was 15. He met someone in college , their relationship moved quickly, and he moved out.

As quickly and out of the blue as it started, it ended.

I was an emotional wreck. I almost went crazy and considered suicide.

Fast forward. I'm 19 and in college, living in the dorm. I see him during the holidays and he agrees to talk to me. We have a very heated, emotional chat. I got him to admit what really happened during those years.

He told me that mom gave him the ok to fool around with me after she found out what was going on when I told about the bathing incident, but he wasn't allowed to actually have sex with me due to my young age and how well endowed he was. That's why he focused on oral sex. When I was 12 and he wanted to go all the way, he told her we couldn't wait any longer so she quickly got me on the pill.

I was floored. I suspected something after she got me on the pill but to hear it out loud like that was madness. He had me promise I wouldn't say anything to her about it.

It's all so mind boggling. How could she just allow me to be his play toy throughout his teen and college years? I know he was having it rough after dad died and he had trouble transitioning to the new house and school but come on. I didn't have it easy neither. She clearly valued him over me.

I don't have a close relationship with her. I only see her 2-3 times a year. I can't hardly stand being in her presence. I blame her for this now more than I do him. There's no excuse for it. At some point I do want to confront her over this. I didn't deserve that.

Yeah, mom was the adult and the room, and she didn't adult. I wouldn't blame you for having absolutely nothing to do with them as soon as you're able.

Seems as if there's also some kind of back story to this, something that's missing. What was your mother's youth like, I wonder? For her to treat this as normal.

It was normal as far as I can tell. My grandparents were ok, no obvious red flags or anything.

The only explanation I could come up with is she was traumatized by my dad's death and for some reason, let him use me to deal with his own issues.

Not the greatest explanation of course and like you said, it does feel like puzzle pieces are missing.

On the surface anyways, I didn't come from a dysfunctional family.