I originally posted on another website and was called a liar but someone thankfully referred me to this site so maybe someone can help ease my mind about this all.
I’m freaking out because I feel like I ruined everything. My fiancée “Joshua” and I have been together 5 years. I met him a few years into my ML degree and we’ve been together ever since. He knows I didn’t have the best childhood and I’ve been tight-lipped about my family pretty much the whole time we’ve been together.
Frankly my upbringing was pretty traumatic. Mom died post-childbirth and my dad was former military and an unstable drunkard who would often get violent. He would move us place to place, so there wasn’t much stability. Trailers, ramshackle apartments, no privacy, ratty clothes, etc. I grew up with my big brother “David” and we were pretty much all we had. There was even a point when our dad locked David (17) and I (12) in a basement with no windows, no light and only gave us 6 water bottles and 4 snickers bars to last us over a week for some BS survival test. Our dad went awol when I was 15 so David (19) dropped out of high school senior year to work and support me.
My point is we grew up depending on each other and at some point the lines crossed. I won’t get into details, but stuff went on for about 3 years (ages 16-19 for me) and ended when I left for college. There’s been nothing since then. David and I talk sometimes but we’ve never crossed that line again and I’ve tried to forget it. On the other site, people keep saying that I was molested but it’s so hard to see it that way. My brother was extremely hesitant and I was the one pushing forward. It wasn’t until I got older and looked back that I realized why he was so hesitant and had so much angst about it.
David (31M now) and I were having a conversation on the phone and it delved into an argument about my relationship with Joshua (he never had a problem with him before but now that we’re engaged he doesn’t think Joshua is a right fit for me?) and for the first time in forever my brother threw in a comment alluding to what we did in the past as a dig at Joshua and my relationship. I shut it down immediately but I had the phone on speaker and Joshua was in another room napping.
I didn’t think he heard but he was quiet the next couple of days and then asked me Friday night what David and I were talking about. With him asking me so directly like that, I couldn’t lie to him so I told him everything. He looked so shaken and disgusted. I tried to apologize and he assured me that he’s not angry at me but he left saying he needed to think and he hasn’t been back since. His phone is either off or my number is blocked because I can’t reach him. I have no idea what to do. I’ve been feeling like I want to vomit for days now. I feel so ashamed, embarrassed, and scared.