My fiancée found out about past with my brother

I originally posted on another website and was called a liar but someone thankfully referred me to this site so maybe someone can help ease my mind about this all.

I’m freaking out because I feel like I ruined everything. My fiancée “Joshua” and I have been together 5 years. I met him a few years into my ML degree and we’ve been together ever since. He knows I didn’t have the best childhood and I’ve been tight-lipped about my family pretty much the whole time we’ve been together.

Frankly my upbringing was pretty traumatic. Mom died post-childbirth and my dad was former military and an unstable drunkard who would often get violent. He would move us place to place, so there wasn’t much stability. Trailers, ramshackle apartments, no privacy, ratty clothes, etc. I grew up with my big brother “David” and we were pretty much all we had. There was even a point when our dad locked David (17) and I (12) in a basement with no windows, no light and only gave us 6 water bottles and 4 snickers bars to last us over a week for some BS survival test. Our dad went awol when I was 15 so David (19) dropped out of high school senior year to work and support me.

My point is we grew up depending on each other and at some point the lines crossed. I won’t get into details, but stuff went on for about 3 years (ages 16-19 for me) and ended when I left for college. There’s been nothing since then. David and I talk sometimes but we’ve never crossed that line again and I’ve tried to forget it. On the other site, people keep saying that I was molested but it’s so hard to see it that way. My brother was extremely hesitant and I was the one pushing forward. It wasn’t until I got older and looked back that I realized why he was so hesitant and had so much angst about it.

David (31M now) and I were having a conversation on the phone and it delved into an argument about my relationship with Joshua (he never had a problem with him before but now that we’re engaged he doesn’t think Joshua is a right fit for me?) and for the first time in forever my brother threw in a comment alluding to what we did in the past as a dig at Joshua and my relationship. I shut it down immediately but I had the phone on speaker and Joshua was in another room napping.

I didn’t think he heard but he was quiet the next couple of days and then asked me Friday night what David and I were talking about. With him asking me so directly like that, I couldn’t lie to him so I told him everything. He looked so shaken and disgusted. I tried to apologize and he assured me that he’s not angry at me but he left saying he needed to think and he hasn’t been back since. His phone is either off or my number is blocked because I can’t reach him. I have no idea what to do. I’ve been feeling like I want to vomit for days now. I feel so ashamed, embarrassed, and scared.

I am very sorry that you have arrived where you are. I know you might not feel like it but you are quite young and yet also quite old.

Your life has not been one of pretty dresses, parties, toys, and holidays. Your father had a tragedy and failed to rise above it. Others in your family that are often there at these times, also failed to help.

The fact that you have graduated is remarkable.

Now onto the present day. We have had here many times discussion on how normal people react to our "special" lives. In an ideal world (Hollywood or TV) there is compassion, support, .. understanding. I am afraid that in countless observations .. it does not appear to happen. My survivor friends agree that easiest way to loose your BFF, is to tell them your story. For boyfriends and girlfriends it does vary. I guess there is a big emotional difference between BFF and your partner.

As a general rule I advise not telling until well into marriage. By that time they have seen you up and down, good days and bad, and if still there, they usually can take it, they also may wonder about you and it may fill in questions they have.

Unfortunately that is not your current case. All you can do is wait. Your boyfriend cannot judge, as he has never been where you are, and from what I read, you needed your brother very badly and if he was not there, then someone else usually will find the girl and it usually ends much worse than where you are today. Predators are looking for exactly those girls. They can spot them a mile away.

I hate to say it but from what has happened your brother may have been right. If the BF cannot show you love and compassion right now, that would be a fail.

That will not mend a broken heart, but it may have been worse later. If anything is ever mentioned about this by your BF, it is private and should be kept that way.

And I wish you the best.