My dad abused me in a way that he gets away with it

He used to let me play with his a**. With my hands. This went on for God knows how long but I have it stuck in my head as a recurring memory and it has blocked out all memories from that time frame of up until 5 years old when it stopped. As it was still going, I had terrifying nightmares that I was going to hell. The abuse broke me. I was 5 years old and having an existential crisis of if I was a bad person. I was so brain damaged. I felt guilt all my adolescent life for enjoying it, and engaged in play with my little sister at age 11 which I thought I was going to jail for but confessed to the police and they said it was just young play. My sexuality, gay, feels broken and like I am going to just explode with sadness. The trauma of going through the abuse of me by him feels like it has made my brain go into panic mode, and I've had repeat "psychotic" episodes my whole young adult life. All from feeling brain dead and thoughtless at years of development spent worrying about if I was going to hell. I hate him so much for this and I'm glad I'm finally getting this out.

Well I'm sorry to read this story. Have you talked to a therapist about this?

Our childhood is stolen from us when we're sexually abused as children. Also all the what-ifs? Would you have turned out gay, if this hadn't happened? Would I be bisexual, if I hadn't been targeted by a pederast? I probably would have, but I can't know, because I wasn't left to my own devices to discover myself without influence by an adult. You and your sister might have just as likely experimented around a bit- kids often do- but you can't know it wasn't a byproduct of your abuse, because you didn't have the luxury of not being abused, to discover things on your own. That's what angers me the most about childhood sexual abuse.