Preparing to testify against my father

I want to talk to somebody or see if anybody had any thoughts, insight or advice...

In 2020 I came out as an incest survivor. I did this mainly because I learned about a family member who went through the same thing I did with the same person. I made the decision to go to the police in 2020. Due to delays with covid, it took me 2 years to get a trial date.

It's about a month away. When I first came out, I thought about it every day. It was this never ending intrusive thought. For a while, I tried to move on with my life while I waited for this trial. My family abandoned me because I ruined their reputation, the news wrote about me and I struggled to perform every day tasks.

In July, they gave me a date... the week of Thanksgiving. A couple weeks after I got the date, everything collapsed. I ended up in inpatient for SI and lost my job for not coming to work. I stopped going outside, and now I'm starving myself and unable to sleep. The closer this thing gets, every day feels a little worse than the last... the only thing I can do is drown myself in distractions that stop being effective seconds after they're gone. Even going to the bathroom takes me away from my distractions long enough for the intrusive thoughts to come.

I feel like I can't breathe. There's this weight on my chest. This will be the first time I've seen him since going to the police. What if my brother testifies that I'm crazy to try and save my Dad? What If I remember one single detail wrong and I lose? My aunt jumped off the cliff with me to support me because she was past the statute of limitations. What if I lost and she abandoned her whole family for nothing? What if other members of my family show up outside of court to heckle me? What if the media posts my name? Is it really ok to put my own father in jail for being a rapist? Am I doing the right thing? Am I actually the villain here?

Does anybody know about any support groups of people going through this, resources, something I can look at to feel just a little less alone? Maybe some tips or tricks to getting through this? An advice column for people who testified giving advice to other people going to testify? I just want to talk to someone that's been through this. not a victim advocate- a real person feeling what I'm feeling.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

First thing is I want to urge you to please take care of yourself. Your body has needs, please don't abuse it. Try to take care of you.

I don't think you'll find anyone here who thinks you're doing the wrong thing. That's an individual decision and I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer.

Personally I think sometimes things are more worth leaving alone, and sometimes not. How long has this been? Is he liable to do this again? If you ever have kids, how would you explain not wanting them around him? And so on. Those are all important considerations. You have to do what you think is best for you, and what's best for other family members. I mean, from what you've written, this seems to be a habit, since his sister is involved. I mean, if it were me, just me, I might just decide to not have anything to do with him. But if I thought this could happen again, or had happened with others, well then I'm not so inclined to suck it up and be quiet about it. But that's just me. That crap has to stop with someone, you know?

As for support, besides this forum, I'm thinking of something like RAINN
https://www.rainn.org

could be a help, especially if you find yourself unable to see a therapist. Once you get back on your feet with a job and such, if you're not seeing one, please think about that.

Hugs, if wanted. You've come this far, you can get through this.

lastingmuse,

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

You were very courageous all along.

You were victim of crime. Going in justice is important for you and for any other victim.

I'm sorry that you suffer and feel so lonely in such context.

What you experienced is extreme. The person who was criminal with you is the one who was supposed to take care of you.

I think you need to talk to very experienced and respectful lawyer and therapist. I hope you can have them around you.
Unfortunately I don't know groups of victims nor am I expert.

Do you have a lawyer who can give you hints on how to be prepared for testimony?

You are not responsible for what happened. You are not responsible for the damage to the family. The only responsible is your father.

Please, like Snaga said, take care of yourself.

Agree with everything so far posted.

Been here a long time and talked a lot with survivors of rape and incest.

There is huge pressure brought to bear on someone who calls out their abuser in incest. Huge pressure.
These scenarios are always dysfunctional and many of the children in them have suffered by being treated as weird or quirky (even the non abused child) by general society. This pressure to hold onto the family is the abusers biggest weapon. Of course I am telling you nothing new here. But what I want to tell you is that all the people who are now saying - you ruined our "happy" home were not the ones being abused. They were the ones who kept silent so "their" happy home could stay together and they did not have to deal with the aftermath. Happy to throw you under the train so that their "happy" life could go on.

In so many stories here I ask "and what was your mum doing at the time". Every one of these indicates that the mum knew. She may have hidden it. She may have punished the child for it. She may have helped facilitate it, as she did not want to "lose her man". Every one in the family knows. They have no right to expect you to "just get over it".

This is one of societies last great shames. It exists because people hide it. You are very brave, and I really hope your aunt hangs in there with you.

Stay strong- right now you are my hero.

I've gone through the issue of having to testify.
It's quite terrible in itself, and it was nothing compared to you because there was no family involved.

But yes, I am quite familiar with the anxiety it causes, and it was totally killing me.
It's all those "ifs", there is no way to know what will happen and the end result is unpredictable.

You do the right thing, you have to keep that in mind, that should be your building block.
Don't try to win, it's not about winning. Win or loose, you will have done the right thing, your conscience is clear and you can move on.
That's what matters, because once the trial is over, all those "ifs" will disappear.
You have to stand in the truth, the one you know. Whether people agree with you or not, that's outside your control. How people react to it, that's also outside your control, so it's all on them.

I don't have any advice outside of that.
Once it's over, you will feel a lot better.
Also you will know you did all you could to save others or bring justice in this world.
If you loose, it's on society, not you.
I think it might bring you closure you would not have had otherwise had you done nothing. You would have become part of the problem, while now, you stand your ground outside of it and condemn the behavior. That's what the hecklers are doing, and it's on them, it's their own guilt.