my grandma and aunts

I was touched inappropriately and put in uncomfortable inappropriate situations many times during childhood. Not all the instances would fit the popular definition of sexual abuse, but I wish they never happened. Even after turning 18, i was subjected to a nonconsensual sexual act.

There may be more instances of sexual abuse or attempted sexual abuse when I was a child, but I don't really remember my childhood much. I may add more incidents as I remember more. I hope more incidents haven't happened, but I would not be surprised if they did.

FIRST MEMORY
When I was a kid, my grandma used to touch my genitals while smiling and teasing me. I remember hiding from her when she did that. I think she did it to my brother too, even with us together. I do remember telling someone (maybe a therapist) about it who dismissed it.

SECOND MEMORY
One time, when I was working on some task at home with my aunt, her foot was on my private part. All throughout the task, her foot was on there and she didn't move it.

Throughout my teenhood, I remember I would answer the door when that aunt visited home. At the door, she would compliment and touch my body. She'd visit when mom was working, so no adult was home. I don't think she touched my genitals but I do remember getting excited for when she visited because she would touch me.

I think there was a rumor about that aunt being prostitute. I remember a phone call where my aunt shouted about her being proud for doing sex work. It's highly likely that she was a prostitute, so there may have been more instances of sexual abuse or inappropriate behavior that I haven't been able to remember yet.

THIRD MEMORY
Another instance of possible sexual abuse or misconduct was when another aunt rubbed a hand against my thigh while giggling and smiling. I was sitting in a chair and doing something for her on her computer. My mom luckily saw that and gave her a hard look. So she stopped. But I feel that was not the only time that she touched me like that.

FOURTH MEMORY
There was also a time when I was with my cousin. She was maybe 10 or more years older than me. I remember being with her in a room. I think we were watching tv. I don't remember exactly what happened but she wanted me to put my hand near her chest or rib. I remember running out of the room.

FIFTH MEMORY
This incident might not be sexual abuse but I feel it had affected my sexuality. I remember in my senior year's math class that I was sitting in a desk right in front of an asian female. The school desks are in such a way where the seats are connected to the desks. And each seat has a gap such that a student's foot can kick another student's rear if one student was seated behind the other student. I would feel something hit my rear, like her foot. I thought she had accidentally kicked me. But then it happened more than one occasion. Coincidentally I have had a fetish for asian women for a year or more during adulthood.

SIXTH MEMORY
I remember still being a teenager when I ran away from home and was homeless. I eventually found a male-only homeless shelter. I remember a woman near the shelter, talking with some men. I think she expressed that she needed some help or food. At the time, I believe I offered to walk her to a food pantry or a female-only homeless shelter but I think she declined my offer. Then some man started talking with her and I felt he might try to prey on her so I tried to intervene. The man got angry, so I just left them alone.

Later on, there were some people outside the shelter's backdoor. They wanted to get inside. But the homeless shelter had a policy where random people could not just simply be allowed entrance to the homeless shelter. For security reasons, I think every visitor had to go through the front door or wait for the doors to be opened by the shelter staff. I was not allowed to open the backdoor.

However I happened to be by the backdoor when people were on the other side of it. Some man wanted me to open the door and got very angry that I didn't. I think he threatened me for not opening the door. I got scared, so I opened the door. Some people entered the shelter, including the woman from earlier.

People were mad that she was inside the male-only shelter and they complained to the staff. The staff essentially blamed me. I felt responsible for the issue, so I decided to try to get her out of the male-only shelter. I tried telling her to leave but she wouldn't listen. I did not want to get physical but I think I probably laid my hand on her and tried to drag her out of the shelter.

Then she clung onto me and pressed her lips against mine. I think she even bit my lip a bit, as I tried to push her away.

Eventually some other man came and helped push her out of the shelter. I thanked him. I think I spat right after I was relieved from her forced kiss. I felt a bit embarrased.

To this day, I'm worried that she may have gave me syphilis or herpes. I know she probably didn't give me HIV because then I'd likely be dead by now.