Afraid to tell therapist

Some time ago the topic of sex came up with my therapist. Eventually I revealed to him that I don't like anything that doesn't have to do with something my male parent did to me as a child. It's been good to open up to him about the effects this had on my life as far as sex goes but I don't want to reveal to him what happened exactly. He's been prying, of course, and I try to keep things as general as I can but I know eventually he'll figure it out.

I don't want him to know about it. It's shameful, it's disgusting, it's the biggest trauma of my life but honestly my second biggest fear is that he'll think it's not a big deal and that it's insulting to real victims that I could ever suggest it was abuse (the first biggest fear is that I'll go crazy if I tell). I don't think I should've ever opened up to him about it or at least I should've never said that it was abuse. I know it is though. I didn't lie. Maybe I'm just exaggerating.

From my experience, it is most definitely difficult to open up about all the nasty details that happened, but once you do the first time, it becomes much easier to do so from then on. Afterwards, you might find it very liberating having finally talked about it with someone who will listen without judging.

If your therapist is a good therapist, he wouldn't dare try telling you what happened was not that big of a deal. Incest and sex abuse is a big deal in any case. Regardless, it's obviously a big deal to you and it's your therapist's job to empathize with that. If he's unable to do so should you eventually tell him what happened, at least you'll know to get a new therapist.

You said you fear you may go crazy if you tell, but maybe you'll go crazy if you don't. There's only one way to find out. Please don't take any of this as me trying to pressure you into telling your therapist. I'm only offering my own insight based on my experiences opening up to a therapist with the hopes that it'll help you. I hope it does.

I really don't think this is the moment for me to talk about it. My life is already terribly complicated. That being said, if I don't want to say it I won't, but now I'm worried the therapist might think I'm lying because of how general I've tried to be, or maybe he's got a sense of what this thing is and he'll ask me. I'm terrible at keeping track of the things I say and don't say and I've probably slipped some crucial information here and there, which is why I tried to reveal as little as I could. I'm also terrible at lying so if he gets it right I won't be able to deny.

I know my therapist wouldn't tell me my trauma is not that big of a deal, but if he actually thinks so, or that I led him on into believing it was something that it's not, then I'd be able to tell from his face.

Anyway thank you for your advice, I'll think about it.

I understand. It should be something that you should only ever open up about when you're ready too. Though I wouldn't worry about your therapist thinking you're lying. Even if you were, that shouldn't matter to him because he's being paid to hear you out. It's good that you're at least there doing your therapy sessions. That's a foot in the door. You've been doing well with at least talking about your trauma a little bit, I'm sure you'll get there to finally venting it all out soon, or when the time is right.

You're very welcome. I'd like to add that if you'd ever like to talk one-on-one with someone who can relate to you on this subject, feel free to PM me anytime.