[TRIGGER WARNING] My mom's abuse

My mother used to sexually abuse my best friend and often wanted me to watch (both of us male). There were only a few times that she wanted me to participate but would seem to get awkward about it after the fact, so I would mostly be relegated to watching what she was doing with my friend.

This started around the time we were almost 11. He would have sleepovers at our house every weekend and also come over on weekdays after school. It started on sleepover nights when she would cuddle with him on the couch when we were watching movies, and that quickly progressed to kissing and making out. I saw him lose his virginity to her a few weeks after he turned 12, and he would regularly have sex with her after that, which she almost always had me watch. I remember feeling so conflicted and confused because I knew everything about that scenario was tremendously weird and wrong, but being 12 years old and just starting puberty, I found it immensely exciting to witness too. I would see how excited he got while he was doing it, and that excitement would kind of transfer to me, almost like I was feeding off of it. I knew it was so weird and creepy, but I would also get such a rush from seeing it.

On New Year's Eve (about two months after he started having sex with her) he was having a sleepover at our house. She had some people over that night and ended up getting kind of drunk, which was unusual because she was usually a very moderate drinker and never drank to the point of getting tipsy and silly. Everybody went home, and he ended up having sex with her on the sectional sofa in the living room. He finished doing his thing and got up off of her, but this time with her being in an altered state of mind, she asked me if I wanted to try it. I felt an instant weird, creeped-out feeling but also simultaneous excitement, and I had no idea how to react. My heart was racing and I had the most intense butterflies in my abdomen. I just stood there silently for about 30 seconds thinking to myself that it would be so weird and awkward if I did, but at least I'd get to know what having sex feels like. I ended up deciding that I would and still remember how I was trembling and my voice was quivering when I said, "Okay," and the way she giggled when she noticed how shy and nervous I was about it.

I remember trembling and not being able to contain my rapid breathing as I got on top of her and positioned my hips between her thighs, and thinking to myself something like, "Should I back out of this?" But my curiosity got the best of me, and I went ahead with it, which I still regret and always will. As I was doing it, I remember finding the physical sensation aspect of it overwhelmingly enjoyable, but also feeling so creeped out and awkward every time I opened my eyes and saw my mom lying under me; I've never felt such a wide range of conflicting emotions in my life. Even to this day, all these years later, I'll occasionally walk past someone in public who is wearing the same perfume that she was wearing that night on New Year's Eve and get that exact same combination of mixed emotions flood my mind, the excited butterflies in my abdomen and the simultaneous creepy awkwardness. It's weird how little things like that firmly stick with you after so many years and set off a precise replica of the emotions you felt.

The next morning when she was sobered up, she seemed really awkward and even gave off some vibes of remorse. She told me that what happened the night before would never happen again because it was too weird. I was relieved to hear her say that. She did continue abusing my friend, but I noticed that it was less frequent after that. It all stopped completely about a year later when we were around 13 and a half.

And now as an adult, even though I know that what she did was tremendously wrong, I still have lots of thoughts about what she did back then and can't help getting turned on by some of the very vivid memories that linger in my mind. People tell me that this is normal because experiences like that at such an impressionable age essentially mold your sexuality in a way, but I still feel so guilty getting turned on by some of these memories when I know that I shouldn't. Is this a pretty common thing for other people here? I think I'm going to be seeking therapy in the near future.

Hello, and welcome to the forums.

I think it's probably very common, especially when there was not overt force involved. I know my own rather mundane sexual abuse has shaped my sexuality.

I’m very sorry you had to go through that. For your friend too. The overwhelming mix of emotions you described while it was happening are all too familiar with me going through much of the same thing when I was first molested by my dad. I was a bit younger, but it’s relatable all the same. You’ll find that many will be able to relate to what you went through and are still going through.

Seeking therapy is a good idea. You might find it harder to actually follow through with it, but opening up about your trauma online, from my experience, is a good first step into getting help. If you don’t mind my asking questions, have you and your mother ever spoken about this again? Also, are you still friends with or otherwise still know this person she took to molesting regularly? Have you ever talked about it with him?

I read of other men who get excited from flashbacks or thoughts of being sexually abused in their past too. You are not the only one.

I like that you realize that your mom did something tremendously wrong. You might not feel much damage from her actions but I have read of men who feel a lot of damage later in life and have a lot of regret.

Just know that it's not your fault. You were a kid. Moms have a lot of power over their kids. I've read of boys who were punished for refusing sex from their morhers. It's not your fault.