Molested by my dad for years (trigger warning)

NeverAgain06 wrote:I’m so very sorry. I haven’t told my story yet, and it wasn’t my dad, but I just wanted to say that when I did finally tell my sisters about what happened to me, I never dreamed of telling my dad. I couldn’t imagine laying that on him so late in his life. He had a bad heart and I didn’t want him to feel stressed by guilt and angry that it was way too late to do anything about it. I know for sure my daddy would have shot the pedophile who touched me. I have no doubt. I’m glad I never told. Losing my daddy to prison would have been worse than what happened to me...but that’s just me.

*Hugs to you!!

Thank you. I would tell other immediate family first, but I don’t have any siblings. Kinda glad that I don’t since they probably would have experienced what I did. Anyway, this makes me think if I’m going to tell my mom, I’d better do it before she reaches that point as well.

I hope it's okay to post a reply here since the post is a few months old. I wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. If you don't mind me asking, how did all of this affect your ability to form romantic relationships as an adult? There are some similarities to the csa in my childhood, primarily from my father, in that it was non-violent and incorporated as "normal" behavior throughout virtually my entire childhood. In adulthood, I haven't really had long-term romantic relationships, other than a few 3-6 month and primarily sexual relationships in my early twenties. I want a husband and a family in theory, but in reality, for reasons I don't really understand, I think I'm just to guarded emotionally to get close to people. How did this play out for you?

I personally don't mind you posting here or you asking questions. To answer you, I've had at least two romantic relationships since then, but nothing I would call very long-term. The longest relationship I've been in was nearly four years. That was a few years back and I've had virtually no interest in any romantic relationships since. I hardly did before, really. Sometimes I feel like I could be asexual because I don't even really feel any attraction toward anyone either. I didn't see myself being in a relationship for a few years, yet that happened so it could happen again. If it does and if I end up being happy and even starting a family, great. But it's not something I aspire to have or actively seek out.

I hope that answers your questions. Let me know if you have anymore and I'll do my best to answer.

*tw* Thank you for responding. It seems like there definitely are some similarities. I have a very strong sex drive, but I keep a wall up to real romantic relationships or even really close friendships where I share these types of secrets. I didn't think the abuse had really affected me until recently, and I don't know if it's just my personality or the abuse created this guardedness in me. It's so surreal – my dad had good boundaries like in all areas of life *except* for this sex stuff. In that area, it was like we served each other for gratification. And now it's like sex in adulthood will always be vanilla. There's also this fog of vague disorientation that is always there for me, I think because there's this huge part of myself that I never tell anyone about. I've thought about telling someone before, but other than this weirdness, I have a pretty close family and I don't want to blow it up. But I think the secret kind of eats at me a bit. Anyhow, thanks for sharing your insights. It's at least reassuring to know of someone else out there navigating these waters!

It's so surreal – my dad had good boundaries like in all areas of life *except* for this sex stuff. In that area, it was like we served each other for gratification. And now it's like sex in adulthood will always be vanilla.

I had that with my dad too for several years. I didn't dwell on it too much in this post, but the mutual gratification thing was the norm for a long time. Because I had continuous sexual gratification for so many years, that's probably why sex doesn't appeal to me any longer.

I've spoken with other survivors of childhood molestation on other sites and from what I've seen, either you will have a high sex drive when you get older or you'll have no sex drive. From my observations, the former far outweighs the latter. Point being, what you feel is pretty normal for molestation survivors. I can't really say if I've met others who might have a high sex drive but also guard themselves from romantic commitments since I haven't got to talk about that much with others. Maybe I'll start asking to see how common that is as well.

I didn't think the abuse had really affected me until recently, and I don't know if it's just my personality or the abuse created this guardedness in me.

This is all too relatable. I completely forgot all about it until my dad died, then suddenly all the memories just poured in. I have reflected on my serious, deadpan personality as well and am unsure if it's a direct result of me having been molested. As Snaga pointed out to me once, it's awful frustrating not being able to know if this is you if this is how you were formed.

Anyway, you're not alone here! I would highly recommend using this site as an outlet for your trauma. It's sure helped me a great deal. Thank you for your response too. You've given me something to ponder on my observations speaking with other survivors of incest and sexual abuse.

I have reflected on my serious, deadpan personality as well and am unsure if it's a direct result of me having been molested.

This definitely resonates with me. I can be pretty outgoing, but the core of me is serious and deadpan, and this is partly what I meant by being guarded. I seem to read people pretty well – what they intend, want, and might be thinking – and I use this ability to navigate basically every interpersonal interaction whether professional or social. But viewing every interaction like this and navigating life like this is what creates the outcome that no one ever gets too close to me. My guard is never down, and no one sees behind the curtain. Makes for a good professional life but kind of a lonely personal life.

Anyway, you're not alone here! I would highly recommend using this site as an outlet for your trauma. It's sure helped me a great deal.

I'll definitely give that some thought. Thank you for your kindness.

Hi Chels91 ,

Just a quick message to say that you are not alone. My abuse also started around age 4 ( possibly earlier but memories are patchy before that). I’m constantly conflicted. Hate, arousal, shame, pleasure, all at the same time. I worry I’ll never be able to achieve orgasm without replaying the memories I have of being abused.

Sending love and strength to you xx

Thank you so much. I seem to be a rare example of a survivor who doesn’t get aroused thinking of my past molestation, but it has affected my sex drive, or lack thereof. I can’t ever achieve orgasm again, nor do I have any sexual interests whatsoever. While our struggles may be different, at the same time, it seems we relate quite a bit. I sometimes have difficulty relating to others survivors of abuse, so this pleases me greatly. Thank you again, and wishing you all the best too. May we both overcome our struggles someday.

@Chels91

I’m so glad there’s a connection between us and I feel I can relate to you too. I struggle to connect with people who haven’t suffered in this way , ( although I don’t search for trauma bonds so it’s rare for me also!)

I’m sending a huge, open hearted energy boost for you. And as a fellow female warrior I’m proud of you and I’m here if you ever need to just be listened to,

All the love and light in the Universe

Xxx

You’re very kind, thank you. I don’t know if you can send messages yet, but know the same extension goes for you should you ever care to discuss anything. Otherwise, be well and good luck in overcoming your trauma. I’m glad you’re finding this site useful. It has certainly helped me a great deal.