Molested by my dad for years (trigger warning)

Chels91 wrote:That’s my take on it anyway.

I think you nailed it. I agree with it.

Chels91 wrote:I didn’t mention that she almost caught us on more than one occasion. Including one night where she actually heard me moaning and talked to me the next morning because she thought she was hearing me masturbating.

Do you think she suspected? People can be good, at talking themselves out of unpleasant notions...

I don’t think she did. She was pretty frank about the idea that she heard me masturbating and even had “the talk” with me right there. She told me she had gotten up to get a drink of water and heard me from my bedroom. Where she thought my dad was I have no idea, but I don’t think she suspected a thing. Whether she did at any other moment, I’m not sure. Of all the other times she almost caught us, like if she came home unexpectedly or something, we were able to wrap it up and make it seem like everything was normal quickly enough before she could see.

I find it amazing, but I trust your judgement on this...

Cheeky of him to do it at night. And if he were caught? Cheeky at all, really- I don't know what goes through the minds of people who do this. I understand it's not always... about control of the victim, it's not always designed to torture or subdue the victim... and they might have issues of their own and they might find it impossible to help themselves- but the sheer cheekiness of it, and the suspension of any semblance of common sense, boggles my mind. The belief they can keep it contained, when there is another parent in the same home. I can tell you right now, fear would keep me from acting on any such impulse, were I unfortunate enough to have such an impulse. I can already tell you how my partner would react to that, and my only hope for survival would to run faster than she can.

You're dad's lucky he wasn't married to my partner. She'd ######6 kill him. You don't mess with a momma bear's cubs.

He wouldn't do it at night often. Not until I was 15. He would usually do it when there was no chance he could get caught - when he had me alone. But when he would do it at night when mom was just on the other side of the house, I have no idea what was going through his mind. Guess he figured it was worth the risk. If only my mom had decided to walk in when she heard that one time. But part of me is also glad she didn't, just so she wouldn't have had to see it. But when I was 15, he started doing it at night frequently even if he had already done it once or more times during the day. By then, he had more of a window to get away with it, I think. He would come home from work past midnight and would just do it before going to bed.

I believe my mom never suspected a thing. She's not the type of person who would turn a blind eye to something like that. Which is part of the reason why I'm scared to tell her. I think she'll blame herself for not knowing.

Chels91 wrote:I believe my mom never suspected a thing. She's not the type of person who would turn a blind eye to something like that. Which is part of the reason why I'm scared to tell her. I think she'll blame herself for not knowing.

I take it she's not the kind that would blame you. I've heard of that. But yes, it's also occurred to me that she'd blame herself, and I'm not sure what purpose that would serve, now. He's dead- you don't need protecting from him- you don't have to protect grandchildren from him and have to explain why they can't stay the night with him- I suppose it comes down to how you think she'd take it, and do you really want to tell her? One of both of you may be better off if she doesn't know.... Or not.

Snaga wrote:I suppose it comes down to how you think she'd take it, and do you really want to tell her? One of both of you may be better off if she doesn't know.... Or not.

That’s why I’m uncertain over whether or not I even should tell. What would be the point now that he’s dead? He can’t be held accountable for it. It would be just for the sake of knowing, but maybe everyone is just better off not knowing at all. But if I do that, he dies with everyone thinking he was a good father and not the sick bastard that molested me my whole life. It feels like a no-win situation for me and I can’t stand it! Just, why couldn’t he have been normal and not done everything he did?

Now you see why I don’t really like talking about what I’m going to do now. I can talk about what happened just fine but when it comes to whether or not I should tell anyone, that’s when I get off the wall.

Chels91 wrote:
It feels like a no-win situation for me and I can’t stand it! Just, why couldn’t he have been normal and not done everything he did?

Now you see why I don’t really like talking about what I’m going to do now. I can talk about what happened just fine but when it comes to whether or not I should tell anyone, that’s when I get off the wall.

and here you have it.

Some of us just had the terrible luck of being born in the wrong place. I have become a believer over time that asking "why" they were like they were, just send us down a never ending rabbit hole. Some people look for a reason as to why their abuser was like he (or she) was. Why was it me not my sister, etc. I think it holds us back in dealing with our pain and moving forward.

For the average person the big moments in their life are relatable. You unfortunately have this. When others talk about happy childhood memories you have this. When you try and remember dates and times or your childhood they will centre around this. "oh that was the year before .. year after he started doing...". If I could somehow forget everything in my life before I was 16 I would be a much happier person. I believe in trying to look forward as much as I can.

Now you have not mentioned addiction. We are drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers, shopaholics, hoarders and yes shopaholic/hoarders, and finally workaholics. or a combination of the above. So if at anytime in your life you find yourself going down that route you may need counselling, so you can get your life under control. About 20% of us appear normal - though I think many of the workaholics are in this group. The other 80% have problems to a varying degree.

and this is why you need your mum. It is about letting your mum know of your pain that you realise your father never really loved you the way he should have, the way you deserved. It was all a lie. You need a shoulder to cry on. I really hope she is strong (and make sure you tell her you love her - she will need that !!)

Until now I had been on the fence about that, but as they were divorced it will make it easier.

Oh and I think Snags advice has been awesome.

Terry E. wrote:Some of us just had the terrible luck of being born in the wrong place. I have become a believer over time that asking "why" they were like they were, just send us down a never ending rabbit hole. Some people look for a reason as to why their abuser was like he (or she) was. Why was it me not my sister, etc. I think it holds us back in dealing with our pain and moving forward.

I haven't been dwelling on that as much as that question might make it seem. That was more of a vent than a serious question. You're right, the "why" isn't important and just gets in the way.

Your advice has been well and is appreciated too. I just don't know if I can follow through with telling my mom. We'll see. But I'll remember all that you said if I do.

Yeah, thanks. He did not just betray you but he terribly betrayed her. When you have shared your most intimate moments, and found out he also was doing this ... that will be very hard to take. Be prepared for tears, anger whatever. It will be one of the biggest moments in her life.
Be prepared and pick your time.

I think you are doing well. We all need someone to talk with. Many of us have used this place as our first step.

Wish you well, take care.

I’m so very sorry. I haven’t told my story yet, and it wasn’t my dad, but I just wanted to say that when I did finally tell my sisters about what happened to me, I never dreamed of telling my dad. I couldn’t imagine laying that on him so late in his life. He had a bad heart and I didn’t want him to feel stressed by guilt and angry that it was way too late to do anything about it. I know for sure my daddy would have shot the pedophile who touched me. I have no doubt. I’m glad I never told. Losing my daddy to prison would have been worse than what happened to me...but that’s just me.

*Hugs to you!!