Molested by my dad for years (trigger warning)

So, my dad has recently died. It was very sudden and my family was devastated, but I honestly didn't feel anything. Not sad, Not happy, just nothing. It's because of the messed up relationship I had with my dad for most of my life, pretty much. He molested me during my whole upbringing from when I was a child to my teen years and even my adult years. This is going to be my first time ever really telling my story, so it's going to be long and it's going to be graphic. Sorry in advance for how all this is going to be but understand this is a whole lifetime of trauma I'm venting right now.

It had to have started when I was toddler or even younger. I have two early memories of waking up to my dad looming over me. The first time I must've been 4 when I woke up to in the middle of the night to him kissing my stomach. I woke up giggling because his facial hair was tickling me and I remember him telling me "Shh," so I wouldn't wake up mom. Another memory is when I was 6, I woke up to him just standing over me, but he got startled as soon as I woke up like he wasn't expecting me to. I've always been a very heavy sleeper and there's no doubt in my mind that my dad did things to me in my sleep. Sometimes I would wake up with my shirt raised all the way up to my chest or my bottoms pulled down, but I wouldn't make the connection that he was molesting me in my sleep until years later.

When I turned 7 is when he started becoming more brazen, I guess you could say. Whenever he had me alone, he would sit next to me while I was watching TV and start rubbing my legs and privates through my bottoms. Even as a 7 year old, I thought him touching me down there was weird. To me, it felt weird, but it didn't hurt, so I wouldn't say anything. If anything, I thought "Oh, dad's doing that weird thing again," and it was just whatever. I would keep watching TV. When I would wear shorts, he liked kissing my legs and thighs. Of all things, that wasn't weird to me. I know it is now, but at the time, that just him showing harmless affection like my mom would sometimes.

This became normal for me for a while but after I turned 8, my dad brought on a new norm for me, when the molestation got much worse. One day, he got on both his knees in front of me and told me to take off my shorts. I asked him why and told me to just do it, using that stern voice he would use when I would be in trouble. I got scared and did as he said. He must've noticed I was scared because he changed his tone telling me to relax, that he wasn't going to hurt me but I needed to relax. He performed oral sex on me for the first time that day and from that point on, my whole world truly changed.

My dad started performing oral sex on me at least once a week until I was 13. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but on average, that's how often it was for a long time. Even if I would be sleeping in bed, I'd wake up to him between my legs. Now physically, it felt good. Does that mean I enjoyed it? Yes and no. I enjoyed the good feelings that comes with receiving oral sex and orgasms, but I also knew it was wrong on so many levels. I knew if anyone found out, my dad would be in a world of trouble and probably me too for letting him do it. Key words: letting him. I never asked for it. I never wanted him to do that to me, but I wouldn't stop him either. It was a guilty pleasure. That's probably the best term I could use sum it up. But over time, the guilty aspect of it started overruling the pleasure.

After I turned 13, he started doing it less. I'm not sure why, but he dropped it down to only doing it occasionally. Every few weeks or every few months. During this time, I also started reflecting more on this relationship with my dad. In school, I just so happened to have friends who were close with their dads but on an entirely different levels, obviously. They would talk about how cool their dads are and I would just get quiet when they did. It slowly started weighing in on me just how messed up the fact that my dad was molesting me really was. Yet, whenever he would do it to me again, I would still let him do it. But now, it was more out of me being too scared to put a stop to it than me enjoying it. I would always tell myself, "I'm going to tell him 'no' this time," but I never had it in me to say it.

When I was 15, he started doing it more often again. A lot more often. He had gotten a new job where he would work from 4 PM to past midnight, so he would be home when I came from school. He would have me alone for at least a couple of hours every day and he started giving me oral sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times. There were times where as soon as I walked through the door, he'd have me lay on the couch or wherever and just go down on me. During this time, I started becoming increasingly scared that he was going to try having sex with me. He would pull out his penis and masturbate while eating me out and when he would cum, he would even get his semen on me sometimes. The thought of me losing my virginity to my dad horrified me. I can take my dad giving me oral sex but not regular sex? Ridiculous, I know. But that's how I thought.

One time, I believe he was going to start having intercourse with me. After months of him going down on me, on a daily basis pretty much, one time he stopped in the middle of it and pulled out his penis again, positioning himself so he could penetrate me. I became terrified and almost screamed "Dad!" He stopped himself, looked at me all confused and said "What?" I didn't answer, but I think I was shaking from fear. He let out a deep sigh, pulled his pants back up and said "Sorry," followed by "I'm sorry, alright?" He left the room and it suddenly stopped after that day. That wouldn't be the last time he did it, but that was when it stopped being a regular thing and he would never try penetrating me again.

For more than a year it did stop, though. He didn't molest me at all when I was 16, but when I was 17, he did at least three times. Each months apart from each other. When I was 18, he did it to me on one occasion in the middle of the night while I was sleeping again, but that time, he made me climax I think the most times he ever did in one day or night. The reason I mention that detail was because I think he intended that to be the last time he was going to do it. When he was finally done, he asked if I was okay. I just nodded. Then he outright said he wasn't going to do this to me anymore and left. I thought he meant it because he didn't molest me again for a long time. But the real last time was when I was 20. Again, in the middle of the night. After giving me two orgasms, he just up and left the room without saying a word. I was about to move out of the house at that time, so I guess he wanted to do it more time before I did.

I'm 30 years old now and I've never talked about it with anyone. Not with my dad, not my mom, not any friends or partners I've had. No one. I haven't even actually written about it until now. Over the years, I barely even had a relationship with him. I would see him occasionally on holidays or family gatherings and whenever we would talk, it was just like normal - as if nothing happened. I would say I mostly just forgot about it, pretty much. Now that my dad is gone, however, I feel like I'm finally able to open up about it now. Don't ask me why, I'm not even sure myself. But anyway, there it is. My story has finally been told.

Please don't give me any advice on where to go from here. If I should tell anyone in family, if I should seek counseling, etc. I'm sorry, but that's too overwhelming. Right now, I just want to get all of this out.

Thank you for reading.

Hello, and welcome!

No advice, no platitudes, save one observation...

'letting him'......

There's a power imbalance, a huge one. I know it's natural to assign some blame to ourselves, but still...

Snaga wrote:Hello, and welcome!

No advice, no platitudes, save one observation...

'letting him'......

There's a power imbalance, a huge one. I know it's natural to assign some blame to ourselves, but still...

Thank you and you're right. It's not the only thing I blame myself for either. I know I shouldn't blame myself at all, but I do. All things to work on, I suppose.

Chels91 wrote: All things to work on, I suppose.

Takes a lifetime for some of us. I'm closer to 60 than I'd like to be, and still think about the pederast that fondled me when I was 12 or 13. Should I hate him? Or wish more more had happened? I often do both in quick succession. Even though it ended with bad touches, his grooming was essentially complete, for when it ended, I realised that I didn't want it to. But that's what grooming does, normalises it, makes you want or enjoy it. So yes, I wish it had gone on to intercourse, while at the same time it's also perfectly true that if someone did that to a kid of mine, they'd best fear me, more than the police. Because it's wrong- as you said, on so many levels. Childhood innocence is a precious commodity- once we lose it, we never get it back.

Snaga wrote:

Chels91 wrote: All things to work on, I suppose.

Childhood innocence is a precious commodity- once we lose it, we never get it back.

That's what I meant when I said my whole world changed after that first time. I was going to elaborate and write a whole paragraph on the conflicting feelings I experienced, but figured in a forum like this, everyone gets the idea.

Chels91 wrote:I was going to elaborate and write a whole paragraph on the conflicting feelings I experienced, but figured in a forum like this, everyone gets the idea.

I would imagine a lot of us do. I do; and the man who molested me was a virtual stranger; how much more, when it's a parent? Especially opposite-sex parents: what boy doesn't love (or want to) his mother, and what little girl doesn't want to be 'Daddy's girl'? My partner worshiped her father- he's someone I will never live up to, not in a million years. He was perfect; he could do no wrong. That's some powerful chemistry, and then sex is added into that mix? I would think being conflicted would be the rule, not the exception, this side of being completely groomed into seeing it as normal for oneself.

What made it even more confusing was he was a decent, normal dad whenever he wasn’t molesting me. It’s no wonder my mom never suspected a thing. One would never guess what he was doing to me when he had me to himself after seeing how normal he was on the surface. That just made things even more conflicting for me. I would think was he really that bad when he treated me well outside of molesting me? But I know now none of that matters. All that matters is what he did.

Chels91 wrote:That just made things even more conflicting for me. I would think was he really that bad when he treated me well outside of molesting me?

Well. I've met one young woman online here; and one online from another venue entirely (not a forum) who consensually continued (and may still) to have adult sexual relations with their respective dads. Because you know, he's a nice guy, and he loves her, and she loves her father... so... you know, it just is what it is. Intellectually, they understood that this isn't how families normally behave- intellectually, they understood that it's wrong. But emotionally it had been normalised to the point of it being a long-term sexual relationship in their lives that they worked around other adult relationships.

And one young man here, with his mother. His biggest problem was how to gently cut her off so he could have a normal dating life and meet a nice girl his age. Again, he understands intellectually what she did to him was totally wrong. but... when a parent is otherwise a 'good' parent, I can see where a person could be groomed into thinking 'well what's the harm, what's the big deal? They did what they did but they were good to me.'

I don't judge a child (adult or otherwise) for having that attitude. After all, what does a person in that situation really have, to compare it by? Maybe all families quietly do this! How would a child know, until they get old enough to figure it out? And by then, if it's otherwise not abusive... how is a person supposed to react to an otherwise loving parent? It's almost... 'diabolical' seems too strong a word, but it's.. it's something. I'm not sure what, but it's something. Whether it's overt psychological manipulation, or whether it's just something that occurs in a moment of weakness, then keeps on going... it's something I find infuriating on behalf of the child, even when they do not. Even though I personally have nothing to say for or against consensual adult sexual relations between anyone including a parent. But that's the thing- it's never truly consensual, when one party to this is a child when it starts.

I do judge the parent, viciously. One person's an adult and it's up to them to set the standards for behavior. And they didn't, for whatever reason.

No advice wanted, but from what I know survivors often don't get the responses they seek or expect when others find out, whether mother, siblings, friends, partners.

The term "their expression looked like they were sucking a mouthful of lemons". ... or .." they looked like if the ground swallowed them there and then .. that would be preferable," have both been used.

We get it, professionals understand but I will say that although people think they get it .. they never can unless they have been there, or have spent hours in the trenches with us.

belated welcome and take care (Glad to see Snags has been looking after you) - and yes this place is very quiet - but that is a good thing isn't it.

@Snaga: I’m thankful I didn’t have that ongoing consensual relationship with my dad. Though I just as easily could have since he was never abusive towards me in the sense that he would harm me. Sure I got scared in the beginning and at 15, but he never physically harmed me. He would tell me a bunch of things, but it all amounted to him wanting to make me feel good because he loved me and that was how he could show it. But when I was 15 and he started doing it all the time, it became about making himself feel good too. That was when he started telling me things like how I’m growing into a beautiful young woman. Ugh. I believe he thought he had me at the point where it was a consensual relationship which is why he tried having sex with me and then suddenly stopped doing it regularly after I said no.

I guess I don’t judge those that do have consensual relationships with their parents that lasted into adulthood. But like you said, I will judge the parent too because the child cannot consent. If they’ve been molesting them since childhood and now have a fully consensual relationship, they’ve only brainwashed their child into it. Even if it’s the case of only enjoying the physical feelings in the moment like it was with me and not meant as any sort of manipulation, they still took advantage of their kid by knowing how to sexually stimulate them and make them want it more and more until they wanted a relationship. That’s my take on it anyway. But that might be out of line to say since I’m barely working on my own trauma.

@Terry E.: Thank you for your input, I believe you’re right. I can already see most people in my family in disbelief over this thing. Even if they do believe me, they might judge me as to why I never said anything about it before - where what you said about then not understanding comes in. My mom, on the other hand… I didn’t mention that she almost caught us on more than one occasion. Including one night where she actually heard me moaning and talked to me the next morning because she thought she was hearing me masturbating. I just went along with it, of course, and acted like that’s what it was and she was none the wiser that it was because of my dad. I like to think that if I ever tell her, a lot of things will start to make sense to her. Her and my dad had been divorced for years up until he died and she didn’t take his death too hard, so I don’t think she’ll have a hard time believing it. I’m more concerned about how hard she’ll take the fact he was molesting me for so many years.