Molested by my dad for years (trigger warning)

Chels91 wrote:What made it even more confusing was he was a decent, normal dad whenever he wasn’t molesting me. It’s no wonder my mom never suspected a thing. One would never guess what he was doing to me when he had me to himself after seeing how normal he was on the surface. That just made things even more conflicting for me. I would think was he really that bad when he treated me well outside of molesting me? But I know now none of that matters. All that matters is what he did.

Reading this thread has me very emotional; I relate so much.
I didn't remember what my dad did until early last year. It's been a lot to take it.
I am also constantly conflicted with "well he was just a normal parent? I had a normal childhood!"

I’m constantly conflicted. Hate, arousal, shame, pleasure, all at the same time. I worry I’ll never be able to achieve orgasm without replaying the memories I have of being abused.

I relate to this a lot too. I'm really glad I've found this thread; I've not found anyone who relates to this sort of this - it's put me in denial of these memories. I feel happy that I'm not just making it up, but of course that means having to accept something this awful happened.

I find it so difficult to believe that such a thing could've happened to me. It's really hard having to accept that this was my normal as a child.

I have read the post you made in this section, but felt I didn't have much to add to it others who replied had already. But I'm sorry you had to go through all you did. I'm glad you're at least able to relate to my post. Overcoming our trauma isn't easy, but I've found that finding fellow survivors you can relate to can help a great deal. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me anytime.

Reading your story helped me gain a better perspective from a female point of view. I'm still waiting for my story to be posted, but I was abused by a female babysitter when I was very young. (I'm male) Completely rewired my brain as far as sexuality is concerned for my entire life, and as a result, ended up having a lot of sex play with my female cousin, and sister for many years. I never realized the effect it would have on all parties involved, and at the time it was all fun and pleasurable. It got to a point where I knew it was wrong, but couldn't stop it. I'm filled with shame and guilt from it, and would love to talk to my cousin about it, and apologize, but I'm afraid to. Anyway, I know your situation is very different from nine, but thank you for having the courage to share.

I’m glad you were able to relate to this. In the sense that it helped, of course. I’m sorry you had to go through something similar. It’s not fair what’s happened to us. From my experience, I’ve found it’s best to stand with your fellow survivors and their experiences. Even if our experiences may be different, we’re all still survivors struggling to overcome our trauma.

This is the first time ive ever cried reading a post. I was raped at age 4 or 5. It lead me to being hypersexual throughout my childhood. Masturbating, having sex dreams and "playing" with anyone who would let me.The amount of shame i carry from my childhood is unbearable. I envy children who stayed "innocent" cause i never felt that. I feel like ive been "dirty" from birth cause even before the man raped me i went to him knowing what he wanted. Making me think i had sexual experiences prior to 5.

Reading your story hurts cause if you feel any bit of the shame and guilt i do, i understand how painful it. How unfair it feels to not have been a "normal" child with a normal childhood. I sometimes wish i can die and reincarnate as someone who went through their childhood with their innocences intact. My dad never SA me but was physically and verbally abusive, it made me hate myself but the very thought of him SA me on top of all of that breaks me, so i can only imagine how you feel. Im so sorry. I really suck at explaining myself but ultimately i want you to know that i get it, the shame, guilt, anxiety, self hatred etc. i get it.You deserved better and i pray more than anything that you find peace if you havent already. <3 <3 <3