i dont want to talk about it

my partner and i got into kind of a fight. im struggling with ptsd from csa today and i told them i dont want to talk to them about it. i feel like talking to non survivors about this stuff is so difficult. i dont want to hear that it wasnt my fault or have to worry about phrasing anything delicately so that it doesnt freak them out. im tired of feeling like i have to to take other peoples feelings into consideration when i talk about it and more than anything i hate feeling pitied because of it. i just want to forget about it and never talk about it again. i want to pretend it never happened. i could go the rest of my life never talking about it and pretending it never happened and if, for some reason, anyone ever asks if anythung like "that" happened to me, id say no, and they would believe me, and eventually id believe it too.

i know its not logically, but having to talk about it feels like a punishment. i feel angry that my abusers never have to talk about it. they get to live free and without consequences and i have to spend who knows how long undoing the damage they did to me. talking about abuse feels humilating to me.

my partner said its alright if i didnt want to talk to them, but insisted i talk to someone, even if it was just a forum. so thats what im doing i guess. i dont even know if i can expect that anyone will reply and im not sure i want anyone to anyway. im basically just covering my bases so i can tell my partner i did what they asked, the bare minimum.

idk. i know im being really immature about this whole thing and theyre just worried about me. but i dont even know how to talk about this in the first place. "this thing happened this time. i dont remember most of my childhood. it makes me feel bad and angry that this happened." ive been to therapy before. ive been in therapy for almost half of my life at this point. ive never liked talking about this stuff. my last therapist, i didnt even talk about actual problems i had most of the time, just about random interests or politics. this just isnt a skill ive developed i guess.

sorry, this got longer than i anticipated. i wanted to make sure i at least wrote down all of the reasons why talking about my feelings is making me so mad, lol. thanks for reading if you did. appreciate it.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

If you do feel like talking about it, you're not talking to Nons here. The folks that post here have, for the most part, been through varying kinds of sexual abuse.

If you just need to vent, we have a venting forum, as well as a personal blog section (you can see the link near your login/logout 'My Blog') where you're free to talk about just almost anything, on topic or not, as long as it doesn't violate forum rules. There's a number of people that find the act of blogging therapeutic.

You're right, it's... irritating that many abusers might never find themselves talking about it, unless they're made to, I suppose. I was mildly groomed (mild is my words, I'm not sure there is an objective scale), and I often wonder if my pederast was ever in trouble, had a change of heart, or just went along happily until he was no longer interested in going after boys. I don't know his name- I'll never know what happened with him. But I have to live with the effects, as long as I'm on this earth. As we all do.

scorpionsting wrote:my partner and i got into kind of a fight. im struggling with ptsd from csa today and i told them i dont want to talk to them about it.I feel like talking to non survivors about this stuff is so difficult. i dont want to hear that it wasnt my fault or have to worry about phrasing anything delicately so that it doesnt freak them out. im tired of feeling like i have to to take [/b[b]]other peoples feelings into consideration when i talk about it and more than anything i hate feeling pitied because of it. i just want to forget about it and never talk about it again. i want to pretend it never happened. i could go the rest of my life never talking about it and pretending it never happened and if, for some reason, anyone ever asks if anythung like "that" happened to me, id say no, and they would believe me, and eventually id believe it too.

i know its not logically, but having to talk about it feels like a punishment. i feel angry that my abusers never have to talk about it. they get to live free and without consequences and i have to spend who knows how long undoing the damage they did to me. talking about abuse feels humiliating to me.

my partner said its alright if i didn't want to talk to them, but insisted i talk to someone, even if it was just a forum. so that's what I'm doing i guess. i don't even know if i can expect that anyone will reply and I'm not sure i want anyone to anyway. I'm basically just covering my bases so i can tell my partner i did what they asked, the bare minimum.

idk. I know I'm being really immature about this whole thing and they're just worried about me. but i don't even know how to talk about this in the first place. "this thing happened this time. i don't remember most of my childhood. it makes me feel bad and angry that this happened."

Just letting you know that the "talking about it thing" is one of our hardest issues. As you said we don't want pity, we don't need to be told "it was not your fault" and the look on someones face showing that they would prefer the earth to swallow them and drop then in a fiery pit of lava than hear one more word, has to be experienced to be understood. My wife is the opposite. If she thinks there could be any reference to it from any conversation she almost runs for the door. Yeah only survivors get it. (and let's not go to the "I understand how you must feel " lines.)

Not sure how old you are, but as no children are mentioned I am guessing under 45. I will warn you that many of us keep the lid on the box of memories closed until it seems to be later 30s to late 40s. Often has something to do with children.

Having children exposes us to the fact, that our empathy is not quite right, that parenting skills others never have to think about we have to invent, and that we often ourselves - how could people have done that, and how could others not have helped.

If that happens reach out as it often impacts us, our coping mechanisms and our relationships, but I am guessing in your case you will need to reach deep.

You sound like you are handling it well. Be aware that our coping mechanisms can get a little out of control, so watch those (drugs alcohol, gambling, shopping addiction and hoarding) . Sex abuse also pops up with promiscuity. Sex abuse can mess up familial relationships and those emotions, body awareness, proximity issues, etc.

I wish I had more, but take care and keep looking after yourself.