So my parents divorced when I was 4, she remarried and her new husband adopted my brother and I. He was great but we were already damaged and made life hell. I always knew what sex was. Even very young I made my cousins and friends ‘play’. I stoped in middle school when I realized it was wrong. I When I was 12 I became hatful. And they finally agreed to let me move in w my bio dad. (My mom left him Bc of abuse to her, rape, guns, torture ect) I hadn’t seen him since I was 5. He raped me less than 30 days later. We learned last week he raped his kid sister who is 15years younger than he was when she was very young.
Somehow I knew it happened, but couldn’t remember details. So I got to go home, but he got away w it.
I got married, to a man that gave me 2 amazing sons, but also sold me to his friends and hurt me physically. I left him, took the boys and ran. I became a high end call girl, then turned to sugar daddies as I aged and have tried to become independent w my own legitimate businesses.
Now that I’m older I realized that those aren’t things kids know. Why did I know it? I finally remembered the details of when I was 12, a few years ago, and have been seeking answers and to change my lifestyle. My grandmother finally told me that my mom and I had to stay w her Bc of a police investigation. Apparently when I was 2or 3 I told my baby sitter “daddy did” things. The investigation showed a kid at the day care did things to me. I don’t remember. But I know when “my dad” raped me he said “I’m so glad to have my baby girl back” could he have? He was diffidently evil.
Ive shared this w my ex bf, he thinks it’s horrible I went through that, but sometimes things are genetic. Was I born more sexual, and ask for it? I know I’ve made my choices as an adult first Bc I needed the money so bad for diapers and formula, and later Bc what else was I good for? I’ve tried to date but I seem to look for love in the same men, and don’t date around my sons. I remember more, have more knowledge and I feel so hurt and betrayed by my mom and step dad (who I think of as MY dad) they knew and lied to me when I asked. They let me go to him. They could have stoped me. They should have noticed my self destructive behavioriors at 5-12 and realized I needed help. They did lock me in a mental ward for a week Bc I was trying to runaway at 11. But they didn’t tell me or the dr about the abuse I endured as a toddler.
Am I wrong to be mad after all these years? I just found out about the toddler stuff a week ago and I’m spiraling. I’ve found a hypnotherapy location near me. I don’t know if I can move on wo knowing, but I’m not sure I can live w knowing. I feel like I was hurt by those who should have protected me, and betrayed by those who knew better and let him hurt me again, and didn’t get me help and allowed me to abuse others as a little kid. The guilt is killing me