Abused so young I don’t remember

So my parents divorced when I was 4, she remarried and her new husband adopted my brother and I. He was great but we were already damaged and made life hell. I always knew what sex was. Even very young I made my cousins and friends ‘play’. I stoped in middle school when I realized it was wrong. I When I was 12 I became hatful. And they finally agreed to let me move in w my bio dad. (My mom left him Bc of abuse to her, rape, guns, torture ect) I hadn’t seen him since I was 5. He raped me less than 30 days later. We learned last week he raped his kid sister who is 15years younger than he was when she was very young.

Somehow I knew it happened, but couldn’t remember details. So I got to go home, but he got away w it.

I got married, to a man that gave me 2 amazing sons, but also sold me to his friends and hurt me physically. I left him, took the boys and ran. I became a high end call girl, then turned to sugar daddies as I aged and have tried to become independent w my own legitimate businesses.

Now that I’m older I realized that those aren’t things kids know. Why did I know it? I finally remembered the details of when I was 12, a few years ago, and have been seeking answers and to change my lifestyle. My grandmother finally told me that my mom and I had to stay w her Bc of a police investigation. Apparently when I was 2or 3 I told my baby sitter “daddy did” things. The investigation showed a kid at the day care did things to me. I don’t remember. But I know when “my dad” raped me he said “I’m so glad to have my baby girl back” could he have? He was diffidently evil.

Ive shared this w my ex bf, he thinks it’s horrible I went through that, but sometimes things are genetic. Was I born more sexual, and ask for it? I know I’ve made my choices as an adult first Bc I needed the money so bad for diapers and formula, and later Bc what else was I good for? I’ve tried to date but I seem to look for love in the same men, and don’t date around my sons. I remember more, have more knowledge and I feel so hurt and betrayed by my mom and step dad (who I think of as MY dad) they knew and lied to me when I asked. They let me go to him. They could have stoped me. They should have noticed my self destructive behavioriors at 5-12 and realized I needed help. They did lock me in a mental ward for a week Bc I was trying to runaway at 11. But they didn’t tell me or the dr about the abuse I endured as a toddler.

Am I wrong to be mad after all these years? I just found out about the toddler stuff a week ago and I’m spiraling. I’ve found a hypnotherapy location near me. I don’t know if I can move on wo knowing, but I’m not sure I can live w knowing. I feel like I was hurt by those who should have protected me, and betrayed by those who knew better and let him hurt me again, and didn’t get me help and allowed me to abuse others as a little kid. The guilt is killing me

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Please try to avoid the use of too many 'text-speak' appreviations (hard to do, I know) because not everyone here has English as a first language.


I don't think you're wrong to have anger- I'd be surprised at anyone who didn't have at least a little resentment. What you do with that anger is what counts- it does a person no good to let it fester and keep them angry.

It sounds as if you've really been trying to break the behaviors that you were in, that's good to hear!

Kay85 wrote:Was I born more sexual, and ask for it?

I think we all struggle with various versions of that question. I'm biologically male, bisexual- am I that way solely because I was groomed for a while by a pederast? I don't think so, but I'll never know the answer, either. I can only assume 'maybe'. As for what you said- some of us are more sexual than others- how much does the abuse play? I think at the very least, abuse can waken things before they're ready to. I feel as if I was already 'not straight', but the mild abuse that I was the target of definitely kicked that into high gear. But it's the frustration of never knowing what I would have been like, without my pederast.

Kay85 wrote:allowed me to abuse others as a little kid. The guilt is killing me

You can't hold yourself responsible for that. It's wasted energy, in my opinion. You stopped when you decided it was wrong. Which, by the way, you mentioned it was in middle school and in my opinion that seems to be the age that even experimentation between kids that is not fueled by sexual abuse seems to taper off. They get to an age somewhere between adolescence and the middle teen years that 'okay yeah I'm not supposed to behave this way' and they stop. As their minds mature. So you stopped. You stopped, when you became able to grasp the situation- don't beat yourself up too much, for your behavior before you knew better. You can't hold the child to an adult standard, when she had no one to tell her otherwise, but had to figure it out on her own.

Kay85 wrote:


Am I wrong to be mad after all these years? I just found out about the toddler stuff a week ago and I’m spiralling. I’ve found a hypnotherapy location near me. I don’t know if I can move on who knowing, but I’m not sure I can live w knowing. I feel like I was hurt by those who should have protected me, and betrayed by those who knew better and let him hurt me again, and didn’t get me help and allowed me to abuse others as a little kid. The guilt is killing me

Okay please don't make this a one off post, we have had people in similar situations before who were crashing badly at the time (late 40s) after coping for a long time. I will come back with more later, but everything you are feeling is very normal, for someone who has survived a very abnormal life. You have done an amazing job not to spiral into drugs and alcohol. Really an amazing job. That incredible strength that got you through that will get you through this. You deserve to be happy, lets see if we can help.

You can box this stuff for so long, but for most of us at some time and it always seems to be 30s to early 50s with late thirties to late 40s being the most common I see, the lid comes off.

Are your children aware of what is happening. Not know the story but aware you are struggling.

I met someone here, Ang four years ago who had many similarities to your story. She was crashing as she had seen a documentary which showed very similar abuse to her own. Until then in her mind she had minimised it (it almost killer her ). That triggered her.

Different triggers same type of result.

I now catch up with Ang every Christmas and she is doing great.

It will get better

I will be posting small pieces as I digest this.

Mine is physical and emotional but there are similarities. My mother is insane (not treatable by drugs as she knows exactly what she did, because she enjoyed it) She is a sadistic narcissist. People keep asking how I survived, why am I not institutionalised. It has something to do with dissociation I guess. You can be quite high functioning and dissociate. Look over the Audi Murphy story to see that.

It was extreme physical. Long period of sickness, broken nose, lot of welts from many beatings minimal food, strange behaviour including flinching, avoidance and other strange behaviour. My brother at 12 ran from it as he could not take any more. He was near full adult height. My grandfather would get her to promise not to do it again, and then send him back. They were lovely people, my father driven out by extreme physical threats (knives scissors) was a gentle man. They were all trying to deal with a monster. We grow up in our society never talking about such people and when they come across them we never know what to do.

Just as my father, grandfather did not know what to do, neither did your family. At times I curse mine for their weakness, at other times I understand.

This is all on your father. I am sorry kid. Don't feel shame or guilt. Maybe anger and rage, but you lost life's lottery and wound up with a monster.

Mine has a happy ending. When I was 33 they put her is a straight jacket carted her off in a ambulance to our top mental hospital and padded cell. The issue was extreme belligerence and aggression to a hospital triage nurse on Saturday night when she went in with a skin rash.

You need to work this stuff through.

My kids are highschool boys. They know somethings up, but I keep my cool so they don’t overthink it. They are protected. I’ve worked so very hard to make sure they never experienced any thing like that. Just a normal childhood. With an overprotective mommy as they’d say.

The biological dad died when I was 14, I can’t tell you how much a difference that made in all my negative childhood behavior. No I did not use drugs or alcohol, I used sex. As an adult (30s) I’ve remembered some things. But I can’t remember from before 5 and I don’t have a lot of memories period. I suffer w memory issues and I’d like to blame it on the way I delt w the childhood trauma but I’m no dr.

I do not want to forget it and move on, because subconsciously it affects my behavior and choices. I need to heal. Fix myself. I (unknowingly) ignored it for years so I know that doesn’t work. Maybe I have to face it head on. I don’t have a problem loving someone for a while, but trusting them not to hurt me or someone I care about? No. I never have. I don’t know if I can. Just my sons, my mom and step dad(at least till recently).

I am not mad at my mom and step dad, they didn’t hurt me. But they always told there are no secrets in our family. And they’ve never lied to me (that I caught them in) but they did. I flat out asked them if someone did something to me as a young child. They lied. My grandmother finally told me. I’m mad Bc I feel betrayed by that lie. And I’m upset Bc I needed help as a child and they ignored my behavior.

Is facing this head on helpful? Anyone done hypnosis therapy? Is it possible to fully heal, and lead a full life?

Thank you so very much for every single response.I’ve read and reread them multiple times. I’ve been pouring over a lot of the other posts and trying to gain insight. If there are any books or anything you found helpful, please share. Thank you!

This would be a lot for anyone to process. As Snaga and Terry mentioned, it's pointless to blame yourself for any of this, or to feel guilt regarding it. You were a kid trying to cope as best you could, and as Terry said, those coping skills continued as you got older. Coping with a bad environment is not the same as learning to make good choices in a good environment. Many of us don't really find this out until later in life, and then as Terry said, it tends to create an existential crisis.

But that crisis is not your fault, it never was. You are just realizing the full extent of it now. You are by no means alone in that. The next step is to embrace it and understand it, but not in the context of fault or blame. Only in the context of how this knowledge has the potential to change your life for the better. It explains many things, as you mentioned, and creates the opportunity for progress.

Your anger is entirely appropriate. You can hopefully one day have an opportunity to speak the truth to those that weren't honest with you. That can help a lot in resolving the anger, and setting it aside.

First thing to say it what I should have said yesterday. I am so sorry you have gone through this, but if you apply yourself it really does get better. That said from what I now believe so much of our recovery depends on us trying and working on it. Others may help, but only we can make the changes we need.

Kay85 wrote:
But I can’t remember from before 5 and I don’t have a lot of memories period. I suffer with memory issues and I’d like to blame it on the way I dealt with the childhood trauma but I’m no dr.

Again pretty normal, for us, your mind will try and insulate you

I do not want to forget it and move on, because subconsciously it affects my behaviour and choices. I need to heal. Fix myself. I (unknowingly) ignored it for years so I know that doesn’t work. Maybe I have to face it head on. I don’t have a problem loving someone for a while, but trusting them not to hurt me or someone I care about? No. I never have. I don’t know if I can. Just my sons, my mom and step dad(at least till recently).

The meeting it head on can be a all at once huge shake out, or more likely will come at you in stages. Right now it looks pretty overwhelming, lots of pain there. That will take a while to understand.

I am not mad at my mom and step dad, they didn’t hurt me. But they always told there are no secrets in our family. And they’ve never lied to me (that I caught them in) but they did. ....
They lied. My grandmother finally told me. I’m mad Bc I feel betrayed by that lie.

You do realise they lied to you to protect you. They were trying and could not see an alternative that would be better.

And I’m upset Bc I needed help as a child and they ignored my behaviour.
I feel so sorry for you. There is so much pain there for all of you.

Is facing this head on helpful? Yes


Is it possible to fully heal, and lead a full life? Oh yes, a very different life as you have seen evil up close that almost no one sees, but you have two wonderful children and you will again have happiness

Trust ? I have no idea what this is, I have self preservation. PTSD destroys trust. I suggest you look at resources for PTSD. Blue Knot in Australia has huge resources.

https://www.blueknot.org.au/Workers-Pra ... -treatment

I have a friend who is a survivor of extreme sex abuse although starting much later than your own, 11.

She has qualified as a psychologist has children two marriages and the current one for twenty years. Successful business and shows little trace of what happened.

She has adopted some siblings that were taken from a family where incest was generational. These people have not been charged as I suspect it is all to protect the children. The young girl had sex with brothers uncles father etc all before eight. She is in dance school and she commented how the others mothers look at her when this girl dances. At ages before 10 long before puberty she dances in a sexual way none of the other girls dance. Adults see this but the children don't

My friend has described her own young life as if she had a twirling light on her head. Men came from far around.

Exposing a young girl to sex does things to them. Imperceptible things that come through on a physical level, an unconsciousness level. It affects how you stand, physical proximity, how you react to certain behaviour, things we do not understand.

It changes you.

Just letting you know that how you have behaved throughout your life has been a reaction to what has happened. I think you are now looking back and trying to work out who you really are and that does take time. The lying in bed and wondering "how much of my life has come from this programming and how much is me ?? " As each penny drops you get better.