Anyone else draw pictures of abuse?

I was abused by two teenage boys when I was 11 to 13.They had me and a friend engage in all sorts of sex acts.I found out later that the older boys had learned about sex from a man in are neighborhood.Anyway I have been straight my whole life,married and 6 children and 6 grandchildren.I have through out my life drawn pictures of my abuse explicit pictures of boys engaged in sex acts.This only happens during times of great stress.I then will masturbate to them and when I am done I will burn them.My wife found one I had not destroyed,and asked me if I was gay.I told her about the abuse and she was very understanding.I have been hetrosexual my whole life,never looked at gay porno,but when I am stressed out I revert back to this practice and get excited.Once I finish it is over and I destroy the drawings.With the exception of this strange ritual I do not have any homosexual desires.I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar experience,and how they have dealt with it.I went to a therapist and was not impressed with their suggestions. Thank for reading my post.

I've moved this to Sexual Abuse, I think it's a better fit.

I think it's quite common for people to mentally return to their abuse. I was.. mildly groomed around that age, and I've often fantasized around it. I know I'm not the only person- and that includes people I know that were rather more traumatised. I'm not sure why we do that- partly to have 'control', perhaps. For myself, that age is where I became very aware of sex, as I imagine is the same for a lot of kids- especially your age and mine, pre-internet. In my case, I happen to be bisexual (and bio male), and I.. don't blame it on my abuse, but I will never know for sure how much it affected my sexual orientation- so there is an extra conflict/longing that it had continued, even though I understand that's the point of being groomed.

I've never heard quite your story here, but it doesn't surprise me a bit- that is your way of returning to the sexual behavior foisted upon you. Which isn't at all uncommon, from what I can tell. Some people fantasize; some act out- you have your drawings.

What was it that the therapist suggested? Surely not repressed homosexuality- I don't generally buy that argument.

She wanted me to do test to see if i am a pedophile.Put something on my penis and show me picss to see what excited me.She was very strange and my wife and I refused to do this.After I stopped seeing her my wife found out from her friend that her old boyfriend who was in prison was seeing my T and they were involved in swinging.To each his own,but she was not very profesional. Thanks for responding.

I'm not sure such a test would be trustworthy in your circumstance, anyway. But then I'm OCD and I would be paranoid about such a test.

My wife passed away recently and I'm starting to have my episodes two or three times a week now and I can't seem to stop it do you have any suggestions I know I'm very stressed out but I can't be doing this.I've been researching this on the Internet and I can't find anything like it.

I'm not sure I have an answer for it. I hadn't heard of this either, but again, I don't find it surprising.

As long as it... remains in the realm of placing oneself back into the situation of being a child, and doing/having things done to oneself, I'm not sure I see an urgent problem with it? As long as it doesn't make a jump to 'I want to relive this for real with a kid'. There's a difference in my mind, about someone visualizing the situations they were in, placing themselves back in them- and someone who likes that for the sake of itself, because that's the age for which they have a real-world sexual attraction for- in which case I would think of the drawings as an idealisation of some mythical magical idyllic state, a romanticisation of their pedophilia/hebephilia/ephebophilia.

Which I don't consider this, by the way. I'm just looking at this through the lens of sexual abuse. If I thought you were a pedophile, I should have to inform you we're not a venue for that, and lock this thread- you might notice we have a Paraphilas forum that's now very much locked- all paraphilias are now disallowed in PF- even down to innocuous fetish.

But I think a person is allowed to mentally relive their abuse. If I fantasize about my pederast, doesn't make me the hebephile! I have zero inclination to entice kiddies into a van and if I fap to fantasies about my own abuse it doesn't magically change that attitude. At the same time I might fantasize about my abuse, it doesn't mean I wouldn't kick my abuser's ass if the Adult me caught him with his hand down a kid's pants.

And that... is one of the self-loathsome aspects of having been sexually abused- both the desire to have had more of the abuse, at the same time as the desire to go back in time and threaten my abuser with his life if he comes near the young me. It messes a person up.

I know it feels as if it's a disturbing practice, these drawings- I would be disturbed too, given that it's actually drawings that are technically illegal in many places. I'm not sure what can be done about it, but I think if you could find yourself a therapist proficient in treating childhood sexual abuse, that would be grand. Not one that's going to automatically want to slap a penile plethysmograph on you without any real-world proof of a paraphilia, beyond looking at what you do outside of context and irregardless of how you otherwise have conducted your life. If these drawings are your way of emotionally reliving abuse- shared only with yourself and immediately destroyed after- because you don't have a paraphilia- it seems more like dealing with the conflicting feelings of abuse, than anything with paraphiliac intent. And I'd like to think a good mental health professional can tell the difference.