The memory is vivid but also fragmented TW COCSA

I was molested when I was 4 by a family friend's 13 year old son. I remember him putting me onto a bed and then doing what he did. For a long time I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. It felt real, it felt vivid but there were bits in pieces rather than a full blown memory. I had many strange sexual dreams as a child but one thing I do remember clearly is the amount of fear that I felt whenever I saw him.

Somehow, I don't think I blame him. I think I pity him, he had a life that wasn't very great and I think that maybe he was a victim too. I just wish it didn't happen, I just wish he knew better, I wish I told my parents.

For a long time I've lived with a lot of shame and self loathing, sometimes I get extremely anxious when my boyfriend touches me in a specific way. Sex was something I couldn't do for a long time and I struggled with intrusive thoughts during it telling me I was worthless and deserved to be hurt in my head, that there was nothing good about me. He's been so patient and tolerant of me. He is also a survivor and so I think he understands more than anyone.

I just want to move on and heal from everything. From my OCD, the violence I was witness to as a child, from the anger and from this.

Early morning here and I need to head off to work but I will come back here later today and reply better, but you mention violence you witnessed as a child. Family violence? In your own home ?

and how old are you ??

Take care will be back later

Terry E. wrote:You mention violence you witnessed as a child. Family violence? In your own home ?
and how old are you ??

Hi there, it was kind of an odd thing to put so suddenly so I apologize for that. My situation is kind of odd in that my parents are still together but my father was a very abusive drunk towards my mom growing up. Unfortunately, me and my siblings saw it so frequently to the point where one of my brothers was going to attempt to kill my dad.

He has changed for the better albeit still an alcoholic and we are all safe now. Growing up my mom took her abuse out on me in the form of name calling so we all just have some very minor anger and major anxiety issues.

I kind of am oversharing, again I'm sorry for that. Also, I'm a 20 year old woman. Thank you for replying by the way, I hope I don't come across as crazy or anything it's so hard to not sound insane on the internet.

Irdkhelp wrote:
I kind of am oversharing, again I'm sorry for that.

Please don't be sorry. It is why this place is here. If you can't vent, share, whatever here then something would be very wrong.

by the way, I hope I don't come across as crazy or anything it's so hard to not sound insane on the internet.

Try explaining how your mother was put in a straight jacket and a padded cell, and not sound like everyone should take two steps back

I am not a qualified pysch, or counselor but have spent maybe close to 20 years researching this stuff have some friends whose lives would never make it to the screen as the censors would cut out 90% and have some very technically qualified friends ..and been here for over seven years.

I am sorry for what happened when you were very young. I can understand some shame and guilt, that seems to be very natural and we all will say "you have nothing to be ashamed or guilty of " but people do. Keep telling yourself you have nothing to be ashamed of" it actually helps and you do get better at dealing with it.

I think your issue with sex may be because of your family life not the abuse. Your childhood does have a influence on your sexuality. You have not exactly had a male role model anyone would want to have much to do with. Don't know the answer to that one, but it just makes you normal.

A quick test is thinking of your childhood. If when you do it is mainly bad stuff not good stuff then understand that has repercussions, not just now but later in life. (you did say your brother told you what he wanted to do. That is not a normal family !!!) Witnessing lots of family violence can lead to many having Complex PTSD. (and because it is our normal we don't even get it). Read up on CPTSD.

Growing up in such a family we sometimes have no idea what a normal childhood can be like. (hint one day you will be a parent (maybe) so before you make that move, maybe try and work out what you will do as we also need to "clean sheet "our lives and start from scratch not from broken role models.

So small things like confidence can be real hard. Being touched can be real hard. Take some time and read on attachment theory, it is what is supposed to happen to us and if it does not there are issues.

The internet is a great place, and there are lots of research articles, the more scholarly the better.

I hate to say this but there is no magic bullet (or wand), getting better outcomes for us, really will depend on us (not on drugs alcohol - or handing our life over to a partner). So love yourself and start moving forward. I will send you some links on PTSD.

I can't anything useful to what Terry is saying- however I'll add that you're not oversharing, and you aren't coming off as 'crazy', and even if you were... this is Psych Forums, not Normie Forums. We're all here because we feel messed up. Ease your mind on those points, sweetie.

Hi

Do you still have the intrusive thoughts telling you your worthless and so on. If the answer is yes, please believe me when I say your not worthless. You did absolutely nothing wrong. What happened to you was not your fault. You definitely do not need to be hurt. It’s good that your partner is being gentle and caring. The care & gentleness is what you deserve. When you refer to the intrusive thoughts are they like flashbacks? Have you read anything about flashbacks and how to manage them?

Hi, Smurf.

Sending best wishes.

Hi there all,

I wanted to thank you guys for being so kind. Thank you as well Snaga, I guess we wouldn’t be here in the first place if we were “normal” people. Though I do wish I was one very often haha.

Terry I will genuinely be looking into more CPTSD resources. My situation is much better now and my dad has gotten himself together for the most part so I genuinely think we can fully heal from this. My dad is a kind man but I still do occasionally feel an uncomfortable amount of resentment towards him.

As for the son, like I said I don’t think I hold much anger towards him, though I do feel anxiety and distress whenever I think of it. I just wish I had told someone sooner, I don’t know why I didn’t. We had another teenager living with us from Mexico and I remember once I burned my hand on the stove and he brought me downstairs and held me very close not letting me go while kissing my head. Another separate time while in kindergarten two boys kept speaking sexually to me and i didn’t tell my mom about it other than not wanting to go to school. It’s strange to think that I just kept all this to myself for so long.

I saw the son a year ago or so and I didn’t really know how to react. He barely acknowledged me but I’m glad for that.

Also hi Smurf, I have intrusive thoughts occasionally still, unfortunately I was stuck with OCD as well and so I have to deal with those horrible thoughts alongside the self loathing thoughts. I get memories occasionally but I think I’m fortunate enough to be able move past them relatively quickly, I’m not sure if that’s healthy but it works. I can kind of push it out and move forward, I think it feels too painful to spend too much time on them.

I hope you are all doing well, thank you again.