I used to post on this forum several years ago in what was then the Adult Children of Narcissists board. Back then I posted alot about the emotional/psychological abuse I went through as a kid. and my escape from my psycho family. I didn't post much about the sexual nature of some of the abuse. For one, I wasn't ready to deal with it. Secondly, the sexual abuse really was less frequent and very much secondary to the mental/psychological.
I'm in my middle-40s now, and maybe it's all the time I've had to think and reflect due to pandemic quarantine, but I am just now fully realizing how messed up my parents were and that they were both sexual abusers. They were both perverts, but in different ways and focused on different ages.
For one, my parents were cousins. I've never talked about that because it is embarrassing and shameful. It was a huge family secret. I learned it from my aunt when I was 15 years old. I confronted my mother about it, and she would admit to them being 2nd cousins. It seemed weird to me, but I put that knowledge away and didn't deal with it for many, many years. But recently, I got my DNA tested and my parents seem to have been more closely related than second cousins. Genetically, they look like more like 1st cousins. The older I grow, the more grossed out I am by that. My father was born in the United States and as a 35 year old man, went back to the "old country" in Europe to meet and impregnate his 20 year old cousin, my mother. The older I get the more seedy it all seems.
I have one crystal clear memory of my mother dislocating my shoulder and then raping me rectally when I was 5, just before I started school. I have more fragmented memories of her abusing me before then. When I started school, the physical ended and verbal/psychological abuse ramped up.
I realize now that my father was a voyeuristic hebephile. He never physically molested me. But he sexually harassed me very creepily, especially when I was 11 through 13 years old. When I hit puberty at 11, he started trying to get glimpses of me naked. He would do things like covertly film me walking across the yard in shorts and zoom in on my bum--he accidentally played one of those tapes during a family home movie night. Talk about awkward. Also, when I hit puberty, his mental and emotional abuse of me went off the charts.
The whole family was centered around enabling and covering for my parents. I have 2 much older siblings that were 16 and 17 years old when I was born. They were always around enough to see what was happening to me. They did nothing to help me. To this day, they defend our parents and pretend that there was nothing wrong with them. I am the bad guy for breaking away from the family for my own mental health.
The older I get, the more.....I don't know.....astounded I am by the whole thing.
Anyway thanks for reading.