First post. Husband thinks I need to get this out.*TW*

Smalltowngirl44 wrote:
1. My mother hated me and always did.

2.She would lay around day in and day out.

3.Nudity was normal in our house.

4.There was a time when I was disgusted with how dirty our house was so I cleaned it and kept it clean.

5. I had a younger brother and sister and I was the one that watched and took care of them.

6.Those things made me feel grown up. Especially since I did literally all of the house work.

I wish I could say something more than how sorry I am for you. Basically everything you wrote is the same as my friend Ang. Your abuse is at the worst end of it, but I will try and talk about the stuff I numbered.

Whether we are success or failure in this life is dependant on many things. A good support network at home, gives us confidence to be ourselves, enjoy life, to achieve personally, socially academically and professionally. Sometimes the most wonderful gift a parent can give a child is confidence.

Living in a house we get role models for life. Without them we must clean sheet it and work it out ourselves. I have yet to meet someone who has worked it all out on their own and does not have issues.

There is a wonderful thing called attachment theory. Without proper parental relationships we struggle.

We need to learn about social distancing, what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, or when we are thrust into the world we sit at the back almost too scared to interact in case we get it wrong .. or in your case we advertise we are vulnerable and ripe to be taken advantage of.

You mention feeling grown up when very young. I grew up at 10, never mentally got older, but have gained much more experience. It robs you of joy in life. It messes with you empathy.

I implore you to read articles on child abuse. Don't keep looking just in sex abuse as the child abuse has left serious tracks in you.

Do you ever wonder who you are ?? Do you wonder why you feel the way you do. Why you react at times.

Do you have children ?

Do yoiu s

Smalltowngirl44 wrote:
1. My mother hated me and always did.

2.She would lay around day in and day out.

3.Nudity was normal in our house.

4.There was a time when I was disgusted with how dirty our house was so I cleaned it and kept it clean.

5. I had a younger brother and sister and I was the one that watched and took care of them.

6.Those things made me feel grown up. Especially since I did literally all of the house work.

I wish I could say something more than how sorry I am for you. Basically everything you wrote is the same as my friend Ang. Your abuse is at the worst end of it, but I will try and talk about the stuff I numbered.

Whether we are success or failure in this life is dependant on many things. A good support network at home, gives us confidence to be ourselves, enjoy life, to achieve personally, socially academically and professionally. Sometimes the most wonderful gift a parent can give a child is confidence.

Living in a house we get role models for life. Without them we must clean sheet it and work it out ourselves. I have yet to meet someone who has worked it all out on their own and does not have issues.

There is a wonderful thing called attachment theory. Without proper parental relationships we struggle.

We need to learn about social distancing, what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, or when we are thrust into the world we sit at the back almost too scared to interact in case we get it wrong .. or in your case we advertise we are vulnerable and ripe to be taken advantage of.

You mention feeling grown up when very young. I grew up at 10, never mentally got older, but have gained much more experience. It robs you of joy in life. It messes with you empathy.

I implore you to read articles on child abuse. Don't keep looking just in sex abuse as the child abuse has left serious tracks in you.

Do you ever wonder who you are ?? Do you wonder why you feel the way you do. Why you react at times.

Do you have children ?

Do you still see your mother?

How are you with your siblings?

I do wonder who I am. I feel hollow inside. There are times when my emotions are on my sleeve other times I don't feel anything.

When I was 25 I suddenly found myself a widow with a 1 year old son. We lived alone for the next 7 years. There were times when the lines between appropriate and inappropriate were skewed for me. It was nothing like I was exposed to but I craved another humans touch.

I have not spoken to my mother or father in almost 2 years.

My prescription drug use was once on awhile. I used them to make a good time better,or for a momentary escape from reality. I had it under control. One day I woke up and it was very much out of control. I have been very low. Today I'm not clean but I'm 100% better than I was at one time.

I feel like so many things were taken from me. My childhood,my innocence . When people are telling about their"first time" , well no one wants to hear mine. I never had those shy awkward times with boys because I was more forward than the boys.

Some days I let my mind wander back to those times and dwell on it for days,but then can go for months without it entering my mind.

I will post again later today but just wanted to say I feel I know you. If we met I would know what you felt like at a given time and more importantly you would know me. Something only Ang and another survivor friend has ever done. Funny I have been married for 40 years and my wife tries but she can never "get it". At times I feel so alone. More later.

Smalltowngirl44 wrote:
I do wonder who I am. I feel hollow inside. There are times when my emotions are on my sleeve other times I don't feel anything.

I wish I could do more for you. My world changed dramatically when I was 35 with wife two young boys and career. My mother had finally been found out for what she was and been taken in a straight jacket to a padded cell into a heavy security psychiatric institution. A few days later a pair of extremely experienced doctor told me they had never seen anything like her. My world changed. I went from hiding all my memories to trying to work them out. That started me moving forward and I wound up here maybe 7 years ago. I read a lot and try to talk to other survivors. It has brought me greater peace, my nightmares have now changed, (they are still nightmares but better nightmares) and I now know I am normal. I sometimes grieve for what I did not have, who I should have been, and I got angry at the world, who watched and let it happen but then I have come to accept that. I now realise I do not know what others feel and how they feel. It is like someone who has never eaten ice cream or chocolate. You may wonder what it is like and be unhappy it was denied to you, but you can't actually miss something you never had.

I have sort of gotten off the tract, but what I am trying to say, is that you are perfectly normal for what was a very abnormal life. You were doing things to survive.

I want to put this to you. I feel that you may be ashamed of what you sometimes did as a child, that you may wonder why you did not stop it (don't know how). Your father acted very inappropriately (they sort of inappropriate that lands you in jail for quite a while) and I certainly will not make excuses for him, you deserved much better, but what if he had not been there. If he had turned his back on you. We will never know, but you have shared enough to let me understand how your mother who took the easy route and blamed you for her mistake was treating you while he was there. What if he had not been there. Maybe what you did protected you from a worse life.

Back to what I put in quote marks, very common for us. (not that many of us, but among us that is sort of the norm). Without going on too much more the changes in you from off and on with feelings can relate in part to triggers. These can be very minor like someone being late, or a sound, smell, taste. Certain behaviour. If you can start to be aware of any triggers, then you can even out your feelings. My friend who is happily married once asked if I had ever been in love. Although she is very close to her husband, she does wonder and so do I if we actually can love another person (our children are different). We both sure as hell try, but having never been loved or seen love, we really don't know.

After I grasped that simple fact it was like chocolate. Never had it, how can I miss it.

Terry E

Thanks for the link. I'm checking it out now. I can't respond to PMs yet .

Hang in there. I found sometimes when these light globes moments occurred I had to pull back, and let my mind sort it out, and then I would have other questions to sort through.

I found some of the people who I thought were my heroes were simply my abusers enablers. I loved the things they did for me, but as a parent soon to be grand parent myself I now see they simply took the easy route for themselves. As you learn, you look back and your understanding of your life changes.

I think one of the good things with that, has been it gives me space between my raw young memories and now the constructs of my young life that I have slowly put together.

Also this is a very quiet forum. Most people like yourself, visit once, find something (I hope) to help them at a critical moment in their life, and then move forward, usually never to return.

Why do I stay here (lol) as it kind of makes me feel that if I can help anyone, then all that pain at least has a positive and it was not for nothing.

Small town girl,

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You're not alone. I'm thankful you got it off your chest as when my head is spinning from terrible memories I come here because others being brave enough to come to terms with their abusive childhoods gives me courage to face my own. Could I ask if you always held a hunch for what had happened? I have DID and amnesia walls bad blackouts and I have some general theories based on what I DO remember but am frustrated when I push myself to remember certain ages or make sense of some things....and worried one day it'll all just click (as some things have as I was safe enough and ready to process/remember.)

I'm glad you have a good husband. They sure do help even when they don't know how.

Hugs to you.