Groomed by Father and Mother sexually. Triggering

I've written and deleted this so many times. Buried it deep down. Ran from it. Tried to forget. I can't hide from it any longer. This is my story. Don't let anyone silence you.

I'll start from the beginning. I'm from a very involved family. On the surface its easy to be misguided into thinking we are a perfect family. We were raised devoted Catholics and my father works in the Medical field. My mother is a full time stay at home wife/mom during our childhood. I have a twin brother. I don't know when the grooming and manipulation began. But it was engraved in me and my brother so deep we totally accepted what our parents taught us.

We were isolated and sheltered from the world. We were home schooled by our mother. The bible was something my parents used to twist our young innocent minds growing up.

I was told I was an amazingly important girl. A princess. I was so important that God sent my brother to serve and protect me. My purpose was to grow up strong and healthy to become a mom of our future savior. God had told my parents. I was special. Our family was special. We weren't like everyone else and our secrets had to stay between our walls.
Most of my memories are fuzzy until around 4ish. But nudity was something we grew up accepting. I remember dad coming home from work and always being in a rush to get naked. Bare. I remember always running to greet Daddy and hugging him. My face basically in his crotch.
My mother did a lot of weird things to me. Things that even as a little girl I questioned.
My parents were obsessed with delaying my puberty. I wasn't allowed to eat anything processed. I would cry that my brother got to eat anything he wanted but I couldn't. I couldn't drink milk from cows. I couldn't even drink water out of plastic bottles. Only filtered water. I don't think I had my first taste of ice cream until I was 14.

TRIGGERING INFORMATION!!!! i don't really know how to say it so I'll just try my best.
Being sexual was normal to me and my brother. It was the same as learning math or science. My mother would always kiss me and my brother on the lips. I still have vivid memories of her tongue exploring my mouth. Me and my brother would practice for her. But the main rule my brother was taught was he couldn't touch me until I had my first red flow or growth(my period) I envied my brother for his freedom. I was constantly being taught by my Mom things we have to do if I want to grow like she was.
She was my mom. I never questioned her. She'd constantly take pictures of me and my brother. Me learning what my nipples were for. and making me practice sucking hers. I remember being jealous of the attention she gave my brother and his medicine giver. I hated that I didn't get her attention and didn't get why I wasn't allowed to touch my special spot. I remember her insisting on watching me poop and she always wiped me.
I remember for my 5th birthday my parents said I was going to learn how to nurture my body so I can be healthy. that girls have to take medicine at least once a day to be strong. I was 5 when my mother showed me how to use daddy's wand. *mod edit* I literally just wanted to make him happy. up until that point in my life my father rarely gave me all the physical want and need I craved. Oh how naive and innocent I was.

*mod edit*

if I got into any kind of trouble after this I would be threatened of not getting my medicine for the day. reminded that I could die if I missed days without it.
He loved to punish me and manipulate me by hurting my brother.
This went on until my brother started going through puberty. I cried because he could grow hair on his special spots but I couldn't yet. I remember all the pictures we had to take of my body when I started to get breasts. when I started budding on my nipples I remember mom and my dad would help them grow by pinching and squeezing them. My mom started taking medicine from my brother as I would from my dad.
I had my first period when I was 14 years old. My mom taught me how I was ready to be a woman. I'm still scarred thinking back to the ritual we did. I had to spread my blood all over my body. *mod edit*

My father never tried to have penetrative sex with me. I remember as I got older figuring out things. I knew things we did were different but I still believed I had a purpose. My brother was abused physically as we grew older. We begged to be able to go to public schools. My brother started self inflicting pain to himself. As I developed my father started taking me with him to special events to show the world that God's plan was ready. he bought me lingerie. thongs. I still remember being told that I was never allowed to wear a bra because my perfect breasts needed to stay perky.

so basically from 15-16ish my dad would take me to secret meetings. later learned it was just dirty underground sex cults or something. I would be paraded around random strangers. I didn't like the way I felt when he took me there.

My brother committed suicide when I was 18. 4 days before our 18th. My parents actually took it really hard. Things seemed to stop. I got accepted to a university and I seriously couldn't of been less prepared for life. I remember asking my dad if id be alright without my medicine daily. It's not so much I really thought I'd die. I honestly at that time enjoyed the intimacy I had with my dad. As sick as it sounded.

I quickly learned I was socially awkward. I had an over stimulated sex drive. I quickly experimented with drugs in college. learned that I wasn't special as I was told. I remember the day I found all my dads files of me growing up. I started dating a guy. Basically my illusion I made to shelter myself disapeared. I fell into depression. I stopped talking to my parents. I thought about killing myself. I met my husband at a festival my junior year in college. I'm so ashamed of who I am. I became someone else. he has no idea the magnitude of the damage and pain I carry every day. I insisted that our wedding be small. I told him that my dad was in jail and couldn't be there. his family is so pure and have truly made me feel as much of me as I can be. I haven't spoken to my parents in over 6 years. I'm pregnant. a baby girl. My husband went behind my back and reached oout and found my father. I felt my heart drop when I was surprised by my parents showing up to meet us. I was so prepared to just scream. expose them.
And all I could do was smile. I had so much emotion going through my head. I couldnt let my husband know I'm this damaged. I pretended everything was fine. I'm okay pretending. but I'm afraid of my daughter being around them. I will not let them ever see her. I'm torn. idk what to do anymore and I'm losing myself all over again. Behind my husbands back ive started taking xanax to cope. Should I forgive my parents?

From the standpoint of being Christian, forgiveness is very important, and is mostly for our own benefit, not the person forgiven.

But that hardly means forget, or not being cognizant of the fact that any rational person not also caught up in whatever you want to call that lifestyle, would want to have the grandkids around them only over their dead body.

I think, since your husband doesn't seem to grasp, you might tell him a condensed version of this, "Look, my mom and dad sexually exploited me, and under no circumstances is my child going to be around them, ever, no discussion, over my dead body. Full Stop".

No, you definitely should not forgive them. You do not have to. Get them out of your life. Keep them out of your life. Keep them away from your daughter. Tell them to stay away. You can tell your husband they were abusive without going into detail. Get a damn restraining order if you have to. Your parents are ######6 sick.

You do not owe anything to anyone. And certainly you do not owe anything to your parents who stole your innocence. You are fortunate to have a loving man beside you.
The biggest issue right now is you being messed up, and your husband not knowing anything. This is certainly bad for you and even worse for the upcoming baby!
It is certainly horrific what happened to you, but if you do not solve those things and work it through - you tend to mess up your child pretty bad. A child learns by mimicking, and all your frustration and trauma you tend to pass on to your children.
What I suggest is first and formost - get help. As soon as possible. Find a good psychotherapist, and attend at least 10 sessions, those are some deep traumas, There is no way you can solve those issues on your own. Talk to them about everything, and about telling your husband about it all, if you're comfortable about it. For the time being, you don't need to tell your husband everything, just tell them your parents were terrible to you in your childhood and you do not want to have anything to do with them, and if he loves you - he will respect your wishes. Get angry at them, Be honest with yourself how you really feel!
Your emotions are real, and important. You have the power over your life, and nobody can take it away any more. This is your life, and the people who are there are there to help you.
Please get help asap for your sake and for the sake of your future kids.