Don't know if I was raped

I was at my grandfather's birthday, lots of alcohol around, I drank a whole lot and decided to invite my friend over. I've known her since I was about 11 and we've always been very close. We are both gay, but nothing had ever happened between us... until that night. I completely blacked out when we got back to my parents' house (I currently live with them). Apparently I was hitting on her very aggressively in front of my mom who thought I was just drunk and feeling flirty... that was until I began throwing up all over myself, almost to the point of me choking on my own vomit, and I was quickly dragged into the shower, injuring myself very much on the way which I don't remember at all, and I have no idea who had me completely undressed and washed.

And so... I woke up with wet hair smelling like vomit and my friend having sex with me. I feel violated, I don't want to see her again, and even just seeing her picture on Facebook makes me want to deactivate my own profile. But the thing is that I didn't stop it once I woke up. It wasn't pleasant, but I remember moaning or more like whimpering... though I recall it hurting. I let it happen perhaps as a habit as I have had drunk sex before but never been that drunk during it. I was so confused and afterwards I felt horrible. Empty. Disgusting.

The day after she didn't wait long until she texted her girlfriend telling her what had happened. Yeah, she had a girlfriend too. And kind of blamed me for making it happen? I didn't know what to feel. When she finally left she messaged me later on Facebook asking me out to dinner like we suddenly had something and I declined. Soon after she deactivated her profile and haven't contacted me through texts or anything for over a year now. Now I see she has a new profile on Facebook and I'm considering blocking her. But we've known each other for so long so what do I do? Would I be a bad friend for completely cutting her out of my life?

Am I just being dramatic and trying to victimize myself or was I actually assaulted? Even if she didn't know I had blacked out any person with common sense would still know I'd be too drunk to consent, right? But I didn't stop it until I said I had to pee... I know I didn't finish. Maybe she thought so.

Sorry for the long rambling post but I am so confused about this. I feel violated and my stomach turns at the thought of interacting with her again. I feel like I was assaulted but I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

Epho, I'm sorry that happened. I think you're justified in feeling violated. That accounts for the bad feelings you have now, you know instinctively that it was wrong and that you weren't respected.

You're right that you weren't in a condition to consent and she took advantage. She may have thought your prior flirtation was consent, but that too was behavior while under the influence, so wouldn't be a valid justification. There is a boundary that you don't cross, especially if it's the first time, when there is no prior basis to assume consent.

It might help to talk to her and let her know that it was not ok, if you feel up to facing her. Or you could cut her out, as you suggest. She would surely know why. It really depends on the value you place on the relationship. I guess if it were me, I would want her to understand how I felt, and then maybe see how she responds. If she is callous and flip about it, then maybe she is not very good friend material. She might take advantage of you again, or in other ways as well. If she seems to get how wrong it was, then maybe you could work it out together. Ultimately it's your call.

If this continues to bother you, I hope you will talk to someone about it and not let it fester. Your well-being is important, whether or not she disrespected you.

Thanks so much for answering. I wasn't sure if anybody would.

I have decided to block her and cut her out for the time being. Just knowing she is on social media again where she could possibly reach me makes me so anxious I feel like I can't breathe. I am scared she will turn it around and make it seem like I'm rejecting her for just not being into her and simply regretting what we did. Or what she did? She has Aspergers so I don't know if she understands what she did. Either way I can't face her right now.

I will think about getting some help and talking about this. I don't want to feel so weird about sex anymore and have this experience ruin possible future relationships.