TW Romantic feelings for abuser

Hi, i'm having romantic feelings toward my abuser. like i wish he'd look after me or take care of me. i know its sick n if i wish he were never born but i cant have these fantasies where i wish he'd caress me or make disney movie kind of love to me. is this normal n how do i stop having these fantasies...

I think those feelings can arise out of wanting those positive & loving aspects in your life. But in your thoughts, you can imagine those things without the negative aspects of the person that actually accompany them in real life. The reality would be quite different, as you well know.

It might help to think about the fact that you can have those experiences for real, with another person and without the negative consequences. That would be what it means to truly be loved, which is what you really want. So maybe focus your thoughts more in that direction.

An abusive person can appear to offer those things as a means of manipulation, when they really value you for their own reasons, among them being the potential to abuse. So try to think about him that way, remember that he didn't really value or love you for you. And when you think about the good aspects, remember that you can have that with someone else, who wouldn't abuse you. You don't have to accept abuse with love. Normally the two don't go together. It was him who caused you to experience that. Another person would not. So keep please that in mind, and give yourself a chance at happiness.

avatar123 wrote:I think those feelings can arise out of wanting those positive & loving aspects in your life. But in your thoughts, you can imagine those things without the negative aspects of the person that actually accompany them in real life. The reality would be quite different, as you well know.

It might help to think about the fact that you can have those experiences for real, with another person and without the negative consequences. That would be what it means to truly be loved, which is what you really want. So maybe focus your thoughts more in that direction.

An abusive person can appear to offer those things as a means of manipulation, when they really value you for their own reasons, among them being the potential to abuse. So try to think about him that way, remember that he didn't really value or love you for you. And when you think about the good aspects, remember that you can have that with someone else, who wouldn't abuse you. You don't have to accept abuse with love. Normally the two don't go together. It was him who caused you to experience that. Another person would not. So keep please that in mind, and give yourself a chance at happiness.

yes. i can get those feelings of love with someone else n not necessarily from the abuser. thanks.

Trauma Bond & Survival Mechanism
+ Act of Resistance

Stockholm Syndrome
^
"Stockholm syndrome is a psychological condition that occurs when a victim of abuse identifies and attaches, or bonds, positively with their abuser. This syndrome was originally observed when hostages who were kidnapped not only bonded with their kidnappers, but also fell in love with them.

Professionals have expanded the definition of Stockholm syndrome to include any relationship in which victims of abuse develop a strong, loyal attachment to the perpetrators of abuse."

I'm trying to imagine affection from a different person who was a friend. no abuse from either end.

Hi jaus tail, for me you should not hate yourself for what happened. I was a victim of abuse too when I was little though the memories only returned when I was old. Everything happened out of our control or if it is, out of our past limitations. For me we have to take things as it is, and not try to dwell with the past because we cannot say what we should've done before because we didn't really know better than ourselves on that very circumstance, and the key to fix ourselves out of our dark pasts is forgiving. Forgiving is knowing that we too have done wrong things against our fellow human being or against ourselves one way or another and with this we are guilty too. And so to continue life we must forgive them as we forgive ourselves of our own shortcomings and live a new life. These fantasies that we imagine were products of what happened in the past that we cannot change and has been part of us for the good or the bad. Its a process, the elimination of these thoughts. We just have to build a new life on our own terms now that we are capable and know better, and live life in the moment each day until it all becomes automatically just part of our past.

Hi jaus tail, for me you should not hate yourself for what happened.

hatred is all i feel. toward the entire world.
or i feel sad at what i've become. i used to be fun. now i'm full of rage and resentment. i pray this virus only intensifies and wipes out entire humanity soon..

I was a victim of abuse too when I was little though the memories only returned when I was old.

sorry about this.
yeah it really sucks... i wish the memories had wrecked my mind at that moment instead of coming out later.

Everything happened out of our control or if it is, out of our past limitations. For me we have to take things as it is, and not try to dwell with the past because we cannot say what we should've done before because we didn't really know better than ourselves on that very circumstance,

for me the shame is insane. had i lost a leg, i'd be okay with it... but not this. i was filthy promisuous....just sleeping around in my 20s... that's filthy. m 30 now and have a much firmer grip on my urges... but there's immense rage and regret at past.

and the key to fix ourselves out of our dark pasts is forgiving. Forgiving is knowing that we too have done wrong things against our fellow human being or against ourselves one way or another and with this we are guilty too. And so to continue life we must forgive them as we forgive ourselves of our own shortcomings and live a new life.

to be honest, i've read about forgiveness many times... but it doesnt help me... i cannot forgive the guy who abuse me or the caretaker who was rarely there... who should've prevented the abuse... instead all she did was pop sleeping pills and doze off...

These fantasies that we imagine were products of what happened in the past that we cannot change and has been part of us for the good or the bad.

sorry but for me it just seems like some excuse to continue with the promiscous behavior.

Its a process, the elimination of these thoughts. We just have to build a new life on our own terms now that we are capable and know better, and live life in the moment each day until it all becomes automatically just part of our past.

cant wait for the day i pass away... the sooner the better... not saying to seek pity or bring out some emotional response... but it is what it is... the effort i have to put to do something is equivalent to straining toothpaste through cloth...

i curse my abuser and his children with eternal damnation... may they have the worst ever fates possible...

jaus tail wrote:for me the shame is insane. had i lost a leg, i'd be okay with it... but not this. i was filthy promisuous....just sleeping around in my 20s... that's filthy.

I have no words- you know what I think about that sense of shame you feel. I think you're unbearably hard on yourself for that.

Snaga wrote:

jaus tail wrote:for me the shame is insane. had i lost a leg, i'd be okay with it... but not this. i was filthy promisuous....just sleeping around in my 20s... that's filthy.

I have no words- you know what I think about that sense of shame you feel. I think you're unbearably hard on yourself for that.

thanks for this but to be honest it only ligthens the shame temporary. if it were something else i'd be okay, but not this regret...

hypocrite, homophobe, douchebag... i dont mind any term... but not the memories of same-sex encounters

jaus tail wrote:thanks for this but to be honest it only ligthens the shame temporary. if it were something else i'd be okay, but not this regret...

We have ALL done things to feel shame over. And sometimes, rightly so. There's having regrets, then there's rolling around in it daily and beating yourself up for something a past version of oneself did. That person don't exist no more, the person from moment to moment, does.

jaus tail wrote:hypocrite, homophobe, douchebag... i dont mind any term... but not the memories of same-sex encounters

But it's the past, and you can't change it. You can only move forward.

jaus tail wrote:i was filthy promisuous....just sleeping around in my 20s... that's filthy.

You think you're the only one? It's called, 'being human'. There's striving to be a better person, then there's holding yourself to an impossible standard, retroactively. You're not that person any more.

jaus tail wrote:hypocrite, homophobe, douchebag... i dont mind any term... but not the memories of same-sex encounters

Were every single one of those memories downright unpleasant? I'm... curious. I'm trying to understand. Is it the furtiveness, of the encounters? Or is it more, that they're same sex encounters? And I can understand it being a mix of both. If it's the dirtiness, and the furtiveness of the encounters, well, you're not that person anymore. You ceased that behavior. If you're also bothered by the homosexuality... you're entitled to not like it, without being accused of anything. Either way you can't undo those things, you can only say that it was the past, and that man doesn't exist any longer. The man that does now, doesn't do those things. We can't undo the things we regret- we can only harness that regret, and use it to improve ourselves.

jaus tail wrote:i cannot forgive the guy who abuse me or the caretaker who was rarely there...

For the time being, ###$ those people. Only one person I'd like to see you forgive right now, and that's yourself.