TW Romantic feelings for abuser

thanks for your consistent replies. my therapist and i used to email earlier n she asked me to wait for a few days before replying... wait for the therapist's questions to sink in...

so i guess i'll reply tomorrow or the day after... maybe think over the post myself...

thanks again...

jaus tail wrote:thanks for this but to be honest it only ligthens the shame temporary. if it were something else i'd be okay, but not this regret...

We have ALL done things to feel shame over.

this used to help earlier. like validation that others have gone through similar stuff, but doesnt do much help now... it's like am i just a product of my abuse n destiny... where am i in all this...

true if the mistake werent sexual i'd be okay with it... with many mistakes, we say sorry and recover... but here the shame is insane... like u feel a 2nd class citizen...

i mean when i see some effiminate caricature on tv, it cringes me... n then i realize i used to be that..

And sometimes, rightly so. There's having regrets, then there's rolling around in it daily and beating yourself up for something a past version of oneself did. That person don't exist no more, the person from moment to moment, does.

the person that i am now... i wish i was like this in my 20s... a firmer identity...

jaus tail wrote:hypocrite, homophobe, douchebag... i dont mind any term... but not the memories of same-sex encounters

But it's the past, and you can't change it. You can only move forward.

my therapist said that the present will become ur past tomorrow, so try to make some good memories..

not arguing, but just trying to put forth a perspective...
the past does affect the present...
charging mobile overnight will result in a usable mobile the next day.
if i have an exam seven months from now... and if i dont study at all... surely i'll fail.
i dont want to accept this past acts... it feels bliss to imagine an alternate reality.

jaus tail wrote:i was filthy promisuous....just sleeping around in my 20s... that's filthy.

You think you're the only one? It's called, 'being human'. There's striving to be a better person, then there's holding yourself to an impossible standard, retroactively. You're not that person any more.

this is what the therapist said. ur body cells and molecules have all changed by now...
honestly, now i wish i hadnt wasted my 20s more than the actual acts... n i have slight fear maybe my entire life will pass by because of this...

impossible standard.. true... i regret the colleague on whom i made the gay pass... he was a narcissitic person who would act child-like and manipulate his colleagues, and if things didnt go his way, he'd lash out...
wish i hadnt ignored the red flags or felt sorry for him... the anger is toward myself as to why did i ignore the red flags...

jaus tail wrote:hypocrite, homophobe, douchebag... i dont mind any term... but not the memories of same-sex encounters

Were every single one of those memories downright unpleasant? I'm... curious. I'm trying to understand. Is it the furtiveness, of the encounters? Or is it more, that they're same sex encounters?

no they werent pleasant. i dont even know what i was thinking. i was on auto-pilot.

And I can understand it being a mix of both. If it's the dirtiness, and the furtiveness of the encounters, well, you're not that person anymore. You ceased that behavior. If you're also bothered by the homosexuality

yes, this... if i werent abused as a child, i surely wouldnt have ended up like the person that i was...

instead of the breakdown, i could be somewhere else... i was a sharp student in my college... good grades... i could've been free instead of being stuck on this regret...

... you're entitled to not like it, without being accused of anything.

thanks..

Either way you can't undo those things, you can only say that it was the past, and that man doesn't exist any longer. The man that does now, doesn't do those things. We can't undo the things we regret- we can only harness that regret, and use it to improve ourselves.

i try not to repeat the mistakes... dont ignore the red signal ever...

jaus tail wrote:i cannot forgive the guy who abuse me or the caretaker who was rarely there...

For the time being, ###$ those people. Only one person I'd like to see you forgive right now, and that's yourself.

yeah... i dont know how to forgive myself for ignoring the red signs..

i dont know what to forgive myself for:
1) ignoring red signs in that narcisstic colleague who'd act child like.. on whom i made gay pass at 2013 that caused the breakdown... i hate this guy now... hate him from the core of my heart...
2) the promiscous behavior

at times it's point#1, then it's point#2.. dont know which one to deal with and how...

then there's
1) my caretaker for being invalidating n demanding
2) my abuser

if only one of the latter stuff had been better (better caretaker, no sexual abuse), i wouldnt have done the former stuff..

i feel lighter each time i talk about it.. i just wish this hadnt happened to me... at times i feel a physical injury may be easier to recover from than this...

I wouldn't worry about the narcissist- not to be mean, but, and I'm trying to fill in blank spots in my perception of this, without actually taking the time to troll thru your past posts- if his NPDish behavior caused you to think he'd be amendable to a sexual pass, then so? that's on him. How are you supposed to know if someone's up for something, if you don't dip your toe into the water? I take it something in you was attracted to him, or the thought of being sexual with him. How's that your fault? At the time, you weren't abstaining from sexual activity, right?

jaus tail wrote:true if the mistake werent sexual i'd be okay with it... with many mistakes, we say sorry and recover... but here the shame is insane... like u feel a 2nd class citizen...

i mean when i see some effiminate caricature on tv, it cringes me... n then i realize i used to be that..

So? Look when I ended up with an opposite sex partner, I'm pretty sure everyone who knew me was shocked. I've gone thru some fairly flaming phases. And you know what, I decide not to care. And sometimes I still am effeminate in some things. and very much not so, in others. I'm ME, my past, my brain, my wiring, my character shaped me, and there are things I like, and things I don't like- but the last thing I'm going to let bother me at this point, is how I appear as far is is this 'male' enough? am I being too effeminate? Screw it. Decide not to cringe. Stop hating that person in the past. You're not them. It was what it was, but if it ain't no more, don't worry about it.

jaus tail wrote:i dont know what to forgive myself for:
1) ignoring red signs in that narcisstic colleague who'd act child like.. on whom i made gay pass at 2013 that caused the breakdown... i hate this guy now... hate him from the core of my heart...
2) the promiscous behavior

Already addressed the narcissist.

The promiscuity... again, that person isn't here now. I'm a person personally very full of regrets, and don't agree with those who say they have none- nor do I believe them. But after a point it becomes pointless. I'm partnered with someone that was... promiscuous. They most certainly do not beat themselves up over it- they're not proud of everything they've done, but it doesn't define who they are today.

Not for nothing do I have the words 'Let it go' in my sigline.

I wouldn't worry about the narcissist- not to be mean, but, and I'm trying to fill in blank spots in my perception of this, without actually taking the time to troll thru your past posts- if his NPDish behavior caused you to think he'd be amendable to a sexual pass, then so? that's on him. How are you supposed to know if someone's up for something, if you don't dip your toe into the water? I take it something in you was attracted to him, or the thought of being sexual with him. How's that your fault? At the time, you weren't abstaining from sexual activity, right?

no, i wasnt...

So? Look when I ended up with an opposite sex partner, I'm pretty sure everyone who knew me was shocked. I've gone thru some fairly flaming phases.

yeah... there's some stigma associated with same-sex issues...

Stop hating that person in the past. You're not them. It was what it was, but if it ain't no more, don't worry about it.

m trying to...

The promiscuity... again, that person isn't here now.

yeah... was very promiscuous... i dont do it now...but still wish i were 'clean'.

Not for nothing do I have the words 'Let it go' in my sigline.

trying to... have read quotes on let go, watched youtube videos on letting go... but the wishful thinking is so easy...

Okay well I think I understand you better (you know what I'm talking about)...

You do not have same sex attractions, I understand that now. Which means you are just dealing with the abuse in what I understand is a common fashion. So you're not terrible, you're not even unique- you're human.

You can wish to be 'clean', all you want, but a man doesn't get clean, unless he takes a bath. Well, you've taken that bath- you stopped doing those things. As far as shame, or stigma, regarding same sex behavior, I've rarely acted upon my bisexuality (on the same sex side of it), but I can never be 'clean' even if just on the inside, because I have desires that I believe are immutable, short of divine intervention (that I don't think is coming). You don't. You can reset the clock. You have reset it. You stopped the behaviors. If you don't have an innate attraction for men, you can put the past down to being 'really messed up', and live an un-messed up life, from here on out. I envy your position. Don't let your life be wasted in regret.

You do not have same sex attractions, I understand that now. Which means you are just dealing with the abuse in what I understand is a common fashion. So you're not terrible, you're not even unique- you're human.

i wish no one knew of it or i wish i had handled it differently. 2013, i had breakdown and have been in misery for long time...
i cried in front of entire office, colleagues, screamed 'no' a few times... i wish i had handled it better.

i know everyone makes mistakes. we're all humans. but mistakes that are associated with shame take time to go away. its okay to sneeze in public. people will ask you if ur ok, if u sneeze a lot.
but if u burp in public, there's eye stares.
if u fart in public... n then fart repeatedly...

thus if it were something else i'd be okay with it. i'm not crying right now. just expressing my thoughts.

You can wish to be 'clean', all you want, but a man doesn't get clean, unless he takes a bath. Well, you've taken that bath- you stopped doing those things.

yes... and i'm glad of it...

but the more clean i am... the more days of sobriety i accumulate, the more i regret why did i indulge in those acts in the past...

living away from home made me feel better... n now i guess my neurons are wiring again... i feel so stupid when i recall the past...i mean there's what ifs.. i know everyone has it.. n i'm not crying now as such... but just being honest... and matter-of-fact...

As far as shame, or stigma, regarding same sex behavior, I've rarely acted upon my bisexuality (on the same sex side of it), but I can never be 'clean' even if just on the inside, because I have desires that I believe are immutable, short of divine intervention (that I don't think is coming).

You've never acted on them. sure there are reasons. maybe someone stopped you, or you didnt come across cruise spots... but then i have acted on some of those thoughts and i was like some drug addict... craving attention like some drug-addict...

You stopped the behaviors. If you don't have an innate attraction for men, you can put the past down to being 'really messed up', and live an un-messed up life, from here on out. I envy your position. Don't let your life be wasted in regret.

yeah i try not to waste the remaining life... i wasted 7 years to it... n the narc sort of wanted me to fail... before the breakdown, i barely thought of him... but after the breakdown, i am obsessed with hate toward him... or hate toward the caretaker or the abuser...

but after the breakdown, it felt like the narc owned me. like even if he'd come to me and say: jaus, wipe my shoes or serve me food... i would've gladly done it for some validation. its been 7 years. i hate that narc now. it was like some stockholm syndrome toward him.

***

if the breakdown weren't public, it would've been so much lighters. if only someone had walked in on the abuse...

Look, people like attention. And like publicity, there is no bad form of it.

Would you like the world to be full of polite acqaintances? Would you be happy in a PleasantVille sort of world? Where everyone smiles and says nice things, but no one really cares about anything? I mean its nice to think of people being kind to one another, but what's the trade-off? No one delves into the deeper things, the darker matters. No one gets to know anyone. Everyone would only be concerned about appearances and anything that changed the outward appearance would be frightening. There would be no individuality.

What am I getting at? Alright.

An abuser is someone who has decided that you are worthy of special attention. THEIR PERSONAL ATTENTION is all about YOU. Very much like a romantic encounter. But unlike a romantic encounter an abuser is giving you the type of attention that says 'you are strong'. They are trusting you to be able to handle their harshness. Whereby in other relationships a person might be giving attention that says 'you are frail and weak'. A "loving" relationship often turns abusive bc of the co-dependency and enabling that happens. "Oh, baby, no! Let me do that for you you're tired! Lie down." Not like a traditional abuser who says, "Get up! What are you gonna do? Fight me? Yeah try."

In order to place the positive aspects of both into a single healthy relationship I recommend finding friends who aren't afraid to tell it like it is. Find friends who challenge you. Friends who give you a good ribbing, a good roasting. Stop running away when someone offends you and ask yourself, "Did what they do really hurt me? Are they abandoning me? Can I defend myself?" and give it a try. If you prove that you can take what they dish out and give back in kind there is your perfect relationship.

tmc115 wrote: An abuser is someone who has decided that you are worthy of special attention. THEIR PERSONAL ATTENTION is all about YOU. Very much like a romantic encounter. But unlike a romantic encounter an abuser is giving you the type of attention that says 'you are strong'. .

I'm afraid I see my pederast's attention as I was food. Easy pickings. Not that I was his 'special boy'. I could have done without his 'special attention'.

Sexual abuse isn't a relationship unless you're at the Norrmalmstorg Kreditbanken making a deposit when a fellow walks in to make an unauthorised withdrawal.

Would you like the world to be full of polite acqaintances? Would you be happy in a PleasantVille sort of world? Where everyone smiles and says nice things, but no one really cares about anything? I mean its nice to think of people being kind to one another, but what's the trade-off? No one delves into the deeper things, the darker matters. No one gets to know anyone. Everyone would only be concerned about appearances and anything that changed the outward appearance would be frightening. There would be no individuality.

no. i learnt this the hard way that the world is not full of 'nice' people. and it is NOT my job to REFORM someone by being nice to them, thinking that if i'm nice to someone, that person will also be nice to me.

A "loving" relationship often turns abusive bc of the co-dependency and enabling that happens. "Oh, baby, no! Let me do that for you you're tired! Lie down." Not like a traditional abuser who says, "Get up! What are you gonna do? Fight me? Yeah try."

yeah both of the above cases are abusive.

In order to place the positive aspects of both into a single healthy relationship I recommend finding friends who aren't afraid to tell it like it is. Find friends who challenge you. Friends who give you a good ribbing, a good roasting. Stop running away when someone offends you and ask yourself, "Did what they do really hurt me? Are they abandoning me? Can I defend myself?" and give it a try. If you prove that you can take what they dish out and give back in kind there is your perfect relationship.

i dont want to be with someone who offends me. id not offend the person as well. sarcasm isnt fun in real world.

-- Thu Dec 03, 2020 8:13 am --

there are so many things partners/couples can do together other than mock the other person or be sarcastic. like make food together. dance. go on long walks together. watch a movie. go horseback riding, trekking.