I will never know *tw*

I am becoming more and more hopeless that I will ever get close to knowing why I am messed up sexually. I talked to my dad recently about why I was put in therapy at age 8. My mother told me it was because I said I wanted to die. Also I told my father I wanted to have o*al with him. My dad told me yesterday it was because a boy had pulled his pants down in front of me and it upset me. I only remember that I participated in sexual play with peers. I remember being made fun of for it and also being very freaked out about sexual talk. I remember my mom talking to me about good touch bad touch and it freaked me out. I am triggered by alot of sexual things, like the word, panties, some touch etc. I began to have horrible sexual impulses. I have no memory of how I got like this. So if I cant know why I am who I am how can I heal?

Dnester wrote:I have no memory of how I got like this. So if I cant know why I am who I am how can I heal?

i wish i had an answer for you Dnester..

I remember a lot of things that happened - i know there's a bit more that i'm missing, but most of my memories are fairly 'here' now instead of being locked away. I know how difficult and confusing it is though still.. and to not know at all is one of the most difficult things there is.

I guess all we can all do for the moment, is to try and accept that we are who we are, and we are good enough, regardless of anything we don't know, or that we're ashamed of.. - and let what's hidden be revealed or not in its own time.

not at all helpful really, but it's all i've been able to do for myself (well.. i'm trying anyway) xx