Ex-Boyfriend was Sexually Abused

by **smiller72** » Wed Jun 27, 2018 9:28 pm

I just found out that my ex-boyfriend (who is going through therapy) was sexually abused as a 8 year old. It explains why he did the things he did and I am a very compassionate person, so I am thinking of taking him back.

I may sound ignorant as I ask this but it is coming from a concerned place. Because he was sexually abused as a child does that put him at a higher risk of being an abuser later on in life? Is there any correlation there?

I would say as he is going through therapy NO. It was once believed that if you were abused as a child you would be an abuser as an adult. An unhappy childhood can make a person more prone to be abusive as an adult, but no where near the extent it was once believed. It has also been the "go to" defense for abusers especially sex abusers.

by **Capriquarian7** » Tue Jul 24, 2018 4:13 pm

I have a suspicion that my ex BF was also sexually abused as a child, as he states he does not remember anything before the age of 5 (very odd). And he is hypersexual and kind of forced me the first time we had sex. He would always complain that we weren't having enough sex and it kind of pushed me further away from him. Then he was angry with me because I cut my hair short and he said "I told you about that story one time that traumatized me when I was dating that girl" one time he mentioned he got high with a girl he was dating and when he was high she looked like a guy and it scared him so he ghosted her and never talked to her again. And I noticed he mainly talks to girls and his best friend is a girl that's a lesbian. And he has a very odd relationship with his parents where he wouldn't bring me around them like ever and we were together for 2 years. I am interested to know what signs your ex showed because I feel it will help me get some closure as my ex just broke up with me a month ago for really no reason.

by **Merlette17** » Thu Aug 02, 2018 10:35 am

Hi Smiler

Of course there is a correlation. Being abused as a child can mess you up thouroughly, everyone knows that I guess. The difference is => how do you cope? I suspect that those that become abusers themselves never learned how to deal with the past and are so bottled up with pain and anger that they take it out on someone else.
But I think you don't need to worry. Because: as you say your ex-boyfriend is going through therapy, he is clearly dealing with it. If it's a good therapist they will teach him good coping mechanisms so he doesn't have to turn to the destructive ones.
Just to be clear, I'm in no way educated in this, it's just a theory, but I do hope it makes sense.
In any case: if you think about taking him back, I suspect you still are friends. If you are: talk to him. Let him know that he can talk to you (if he wants to, never push something like this).

Good luck!

by **seabreezeblue** » Mon Aug 06, 2018 2:30 pm

There's some correlation, but correlation doesn't equal causation..

I did do some research on this before.. i'll see if i can find it and i'll post it here.

seabreezeblue wrote:[..]i became interested in the real figures a year or so ago because i was sick of hearing of the so called cycle of abuse.. i was sick of being told that victims become abusers, when i knew for a fact that if you have a decent amount of empathy - you are never ever ever going to make a child feel the same way that you did as a child.

For many years now, sexual offenders have been purported to have a really really high rate of people that were abused as children in their group. These were self reported though - when these offenders were hooked up to a polygraph test and asked if they were actually abused as children, the figures came out at around 29% of offenders having been abused.
The figures for what percentage of children have been abused comes out at around 1 in 3 girls (roughly 33%) and 1 in 6 boys (roughly 16%) (actual figures are likely to be far higher)..

Now if these figures are taken into account - things look very different to the way sexual offenders would like it to be portrayed.

If we also bear in mind that most abuse victims are abused by family members, and that disorders like psychopathy run in families..

Ex-Boyfriend was Sexually Abused

Ex-Boyfriend was Sexually Abused

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