Abuse, coercion, infidelity - My father and wife - Help

Throwaway account. Not a troll at all. I am heartbroken and need advice badly. (And, yes, I will seek professional help in time but need to get it off my chest first.)

I am a happily married 35 year old man. My wife is 34 and the mother to my two daughters (6, 3). We are both from the same hometown and dated in high school. High school sweethearts, if you will. We ended up going to the same college, dated throughout, got engaged and married after both of us graduated. Fairly tale-type stuff for some people.

My father was always a good father to me and my sister. He was angry a lot and drank too much but he loved us both dearly and never harmed us. He was, however, a regular cheater on my mother, especially about 13-14 years ago when I was 22 and my wife was 21. At that time, my mother and he hit a really rough patch in their marriage (were seperated several times). At that time, he almost lost all he had ever worked for in his business thanks to a very crooked business partner who took him to the woodshed financially and made life hell (legal issues, etc, etc). My mother, who is an angel, struggled to support him emotionally during this time because he was angry a lot, drank a lot, and was verbally abusive frequently. He began running around her. She found out and was devestated but forgave him. He did it again not long after. She found out again and was even more devestated. They seperated again but eventually worked it out. I suspect there were A LOT more than two times but I know of two and, to my knowledge, my mother only knows of the two times.

During this season, my (future) wife-to-be was with me at college. One summer, she returned home to take some classes at our hometown community college (she could earn credit there and it count towards her degree and it was cheaper to do that during summers and stay at her parents house to save money). I was a year older and advanced enough in my degree that I stayed at our college and took my courseload there. My dad had lost one of his receptionists and mentioned to me that my wife could work for him and make some money. I relayed that to her and she was glad to have the job because it would be flexible with her schedule and she could pocket some cash. All was well.

After we got married, my wife indicated to me that she wasn't really comfortable around my dad. She said she just didn't trust him and referenced his infidelity multiple times. I didn't really understand at the time but I agreed with her that he was really crappy for what he did to my mother. I understood why he did it (emotionally insecure) but the fact that it was a repeat offense on multiple occasions made me really hate him. But if my mom could forgive him, so could I, right?

When my first daughter was born, my wife indicated she wasn't comfortable with her staying with my dad one-on-one. As long as my mom was present, she was ok with it, but not alone. This was odd. My dad was a cheater but he's not a pedofile. After I pressed my wife (which took quite some time), she finally opened up that my dad was overly flirtacious with her when she worked for him those years ago. I was pissed off at him. She said that she was over it but that his attitude towards her during that summer while she worked for him made her distrust him immensely. I shared this with no one. I wanted to confront him about it but he almost certainly would've denied it which would've hurt me (since I know my wife was not lying), it would've hurt her (since she'd emotionally moved on), and had it gotten to my mother, it would've devestated her to know that my wife and I weren't trusting our grandchildren around them because her husband/my dad was hitting on my wife all those years before. For many years, I actively encouraged her to go to counseling but she constantly rebuffed and, over time, the subject was dropped and we never discussed it again.

This past weekend, my wife and I celebrated our 11 year anniversary. We went out for dinner and then drinks. When she had drank far too much one night, it all came out for the first time.

My father had not just been overly flirtacious, he was sexual. She admitted that, while she was working with him, he increasingly went from flirting with her, then got huggy/kissy, then got touchy/feely, and then, eventually, she let him finger her. "He just reached in my pants and it kind of happened" were her exact words.

Over the next few weeks, the situation escalated. She rebuffed most of the time, trying to get out of the situation. But several times, he asked her to work late or to visit his office when he knew no one would be around. Come to find out, a few of those times, he called her into the office and closed the door and got touchy/feely. She was uncomfortable but admitted that she never told him no. She said "This is wrong" several times but never got up and left. I assume she just didn't know how to handle the situation.

On one occassion, he began taking off her pants and proceeded to give her oral sex. On another occasion, he presented himself to her and put her hand on his junk and she proceeded to give him oral sex. On the last occasion, they were both fully nude and he was pressuring her to have vaginal sex. She remains 100% adament that they did not. "He almost put it in" were her exact words. When she said she didn't want to do that, he asked why. She said because, "It would be wrong to (me)." He persisted and when she told him she wasn't on birth control, he said, "If you got pregnant, just have sex with my son (me) and tell him it's his." Scared and angry at this all of, she finally had enough- got dressed, left, and quit the job.

I am heartbroken, confused, angry, and in a total WTF stage. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've had a lot of anger towards my dad for years and years for what he did to my mom and the idea that he hit on my wife many times while she worked for him. But I now know the whole story.

That my father actively pursued my girlfriend, that he put her in awkward sexual situations and that it resulted in sexual activities which occured multiple times. My wife never said a word - during or after- out of fear of endangering my relationship with her, our family dynamic, etc.

Knowing my father, I believe my wife. I know too much about my dad's history as a womanizer, a cheat, and as someone who put people in sexually awkard situations to distrust what she's saying. What she's describing, I can definetely see happening. It's far worse- but not completely out of character- with other things I know he's done. But this takes to it a much different level.

What. The. Hell.

I want to never see my father again and want to physically harm him. My wife says that it's taken a lot of years but she really has 100% moved on emotionally and she doesn't want to open old wounds. In the meantime, I hate my father. When I press for more details, which I feel bad doing knowing that it's uncomfortable, she doesn't want to talk about it.

I would also be lying if I didn't say I confused by my wife's actions. I feel enormously guilty when I feel some negative emotion towards her because she was a victim. Combine the awkwardness of being 21, a man 30 years older- your boyfriend's father and your boss- being extremely persistent, and the man being someone you should have been able to trust to help you- not hurt you - and it just led into a really bad situation.

But I suppose, deep down, if I'm really honest with myself, I'm also confused - mostly by the fact that this happened so many times and had escalated over time. My wife has always been a very strong, independent person. She is not afraid to stand up to people AT ALL. It is not like her - even when she was 21- to succumb to pressure like that. I'm trying really hard not to victim blame and immediately feel guilt when I think that way but, again, knowing my wife how I know her - as someone that's not afraid to call BS- it just makes it hard to conceive how she went along with it for so long, knowing that it made her uncomfortable, knowing that it was escalating, and then it was actual happening and her not saying no until it almost became full on sex.

I just can't believe these things happened on repeated occasions. I can absolutely see him pressuring her once, her not knowing how to respond when it happened, and then her saying "This is BS, I'm out" afterwards. But that she stuck around and let it happen multiple times just seems odd to me. That's where this weird feeling of infidelity sneaks in... but I then feel horrible, like I'm blaming her when he was clearly the aggressor, at least how she tells it. (Which I believe.)

She absolutely doesn't want me to bring it up to anyone ever. She knows (and is correct) that my dad would deny, lie, and deflect. It would cause a long dormant situation to erupt, causing massive family relation causalties. She'd simply prefer that we limit our family's time around him, especially our kids. And she is absolutely right on all counts. But I, admittedly, begin to question if she doesn't want me to bring it up because there is something she is afraid to tell me that could come out. I wouldn't say that to her, of course. That would make her feel guilt that she doesn't deserve. But it is a little demon in my head.

I have no idea of how to handle all of this. My poor wife has endured this secret for 13+ years. I am very upset. I am depressed. I am furious at my father. It's still very raw and fresh to me. She talks about it very calmly with little emotion. I admittedly don't understand why she doesn't appear more traumatized when she speaks of it. She brushes it off like it's nothing and her mood doesn't change- she can even be pleasant immediately after talking about it. She hasn't cried when we've talked about and I'm like a sobbing baby. Maybe someone that can relate can help me understand.

Has she just buried it that deep? I just figured that, as horrible as those situations were, there would be a flood of emotion about finally getting it out there and she's not that way. I have to wonder if there is some guilt there that maybe she feels from not ending it sooner? Maybe she was a little more complicit than she's portrayed?

I'm probably reading too much into her reaction as all people process differently and we are at very different stages of processing since this was long ago for her and the discovery just days ago for me.

Lastly- and maybe someone here can help me with this - since this came out, she has been overly sexual with me. I don't tell her this but it kinda pisses me off. It would seem getting this out there would be a huge turn off for her (it certainly is for me) so why is she acting that way? Again, I don't tell her this but it's almost as if she's trying to account for infidelity, except she wasn't...she was abused.

I'm just trying to solve this in my head. My emotions are a wreck. I'll definetely reach out to a therapist soon but could use help in the meantime.

Thanks.

Sorry you are here but glad you came. What happened to your wife is what many girls describe here with fathers and step fathers. I refer to it as the frog in the pot syndrome. Once it had started he had her as she would have been concerned if you found out it could have ruined things. She eventually put up the block when she knew she could not be with you if it went that far.

I hate to tell you this but your father is a ruthless sexual predator. You mum may have excused him and put it down to pressure of work, drink ect. but he is a sexual predator pure and simple. Not much different from the classic boyfriend rapist.

The window has been lifted and I doubt you will never see him the same again. Now some specifics.

HurtandConfusedABC wrote:



This past weekend, my wife and I celebrated our 11 year anniversary. We went out for dinner and then drinks. When she had drank far too much one night, it all came out for the first time.

I would say she had been struggling to tell you for a very long time.


Over the next few weeks, the situation escalated. She rebuffed most of the time, trying to get out of the situation. But several times, he asked her to work late or to visit his office when he knew no one would be around. Come to find out, a few of those times, he called her into the office and closed the door and got touchy/feely. She was uncomfortable but admitted that she never told him no.

Spend some time here and you will see how many girls come on telling this story. She did not need to tell him no. He had a position of power and he abused it. Think about all those hollywood starlets speaking out about this. He was at fault. Only him.



She said "This is wrong" several times but never got up and left.
She told him No.

I assume she just didn't know how to handle the situation.
this is something we never talk about. If we never tell our children about such predators how will they know how to act.

"If you got pregnant, just have sex with my son (me) and tell him it's his." Scared and angry at this all of, she finally had enough- got dressed, left, and quit the job.

Read that again. I hate to tell you this but he on so many levels is a very unpleasant man


I am heartbroken, confused, angry, and in a total WTF stage. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've had a lot of anger towards my dad for years and years for what he did to my mom and the idea that he hit on my wife many times while she worked for him. But I now know the whole story.

That my father actively pursued my girlfriend,
HELLO - whether he was trying to be a cuckoo and put his egg in your nest - or he simply did not give a s#%t about bringing a life into this world that he would not be responsible for well you can decide


that he put her in awkward sexual situations and that it resulted in sexual activities which occurred multiple times. My wife never said a word - during or after- out of fear of endangering my relationship with her, our family dynamic, etc.
What else could she do


I want to never see my father again and want to physically harm him.

And if you love your wife and your children you will have to compartmentalize that. Time to understand how the other half live - which in a way you are now part of. My mother was a monster. Society looks at her as a frail little old lady who her family must attend to her needs. I now have learnt to feel nothing. the daughters who were raped by their fathers who try and keep the dynamic together so their mother does not wind up on the street. the daughter who has to struggle to explain why her relationship with family is not the same as her friends as they gush about Christmas and thanksgiving each year. Os the others such as Frank Shorter's (marathon gold 1972) siblings who just moved a few thousand miles away.


My wife says that it's taken a lot of years but she really has 100% moved on emotionally and she doesn't want to open old wounds. In the meantime, I hate my father. When I press for more details, which I feel bad doing knowing that it's uncomfortable, she doesn't want to talk about it.
It would hurt her so much just to see your expression

I would also be lying if I didn't say I confused by my wife's actions. I feel enormously guilty when I feel some negative emotion towards her because she was a victim.
That is natural but you will get over that. It is like punishing the victim (and many of us experience that). One day you can look back and either be ashamed of how you fell right now or how you stand


Combine the awkwardness of being 21, a man 30 years older- your boyfriend's father and your boss- being extremely persistent, and the man being someone you should have been able to trust to help you- not hurt you - and it just led into a really bad situation.
and he had a plan and knew exactly what he was doing

But I suppose, deep down, if I'm really honest with myself, I'm also confused - mostly by the fact that this happened so many times and had escalated over time. My wife has always been a very strong, independent person.
one more HELLO - she needed a job and was 21 !!!!! No one in that position is STRONG and INDEPENDENT


. but I then feel horrible, like I'm blaming her when he was clearly the aggressor, at least how she tells it. (Which I believe.)
As I said the same story as the daughter who is raped by her dad and then beaten by her mother when she tries and tells her what is happening - are you better than that ?

She absolutely doesn't want me to bring it up to anyone ever. She knows (and is correct) that my dad would deny, lie, and deflect. It would cause a long dormant situation to erupt, causing massive family relation causalties. She'd simply prefer that we limit our family's time around him, especially our kids. And she is absolutely right on all counts. But I, admittedly, begin to question if she doesn't want me to bring it up because there is something she is afraid to tell me that could come out. I wouldn't say that to her, of course. That would make her feel guilt that she doesn't deserve. But it is a little demon in my head.

Your wife is absolutely correct. it is deal with it, protect her, or move

I have no idea of how to handle all of this. My poor wife has endured this secret for 13+ years. I am very upset. I am depressed. I am furious at my father. It's still very raw and fresh to me. She talks about it very calmly with little emotion. I admittedly don't understand why she doesn't appear more traumatized when she speaks of it. She brushes it off like it's nothing and her mood doesn't change- she can even be pleasant immediately after talking about it. She hasn't cried when we've talked about and I'm like a sobbing baby.
She has not cried because you will not let her. Right now this is all about your feelings and she is supporting you. One day you may realise that and admire her for it.
Maybe someone that can relate can help me understand.




Lastly- and maybe someone here can help me with this - since this came out, she has been overly sexual with me.
She is reaching out to you to show you her love - that is all. Time for you to show her yours.

You need to understand how at some levels we are are governed to some extent by our biology.
woman are physically - sexually attracted to strong jaws - look at all the models who cannot punch their way out of a paper bag and you see strong jaws. Anthropologists have mused was it because that strong jaw was necessary to pre chew rare meat before being passed on to the woman and or her children.

Men are attracted to a certain full pouting lips in a female. Again it is believed because that look resembles a stimulated vagina.

You have heard the expression "in the clear light of day". Spend some time here one day and read a never ending list of posts from girls who did things at night and cannot understand why.

when body proximity is compromised, when we are tired when the mind processes signals from other parties biology kicks in and the rational mind is pushed behind.

take it to the extreme and you deal with women who have endured violent physical rapes by strangers or groups of men who repulsed them and still orgasmed. In the most extreme case finding they have been woken by it, and have blood trickling down their faced after they have been bashed unconscious.

Final thing here. There are five losers her and unfortunately you come in fifth.
1/ is your wife. She is in a terrible situation. She is in a lose - lose. You need to be the man your family needs to be. The pain will go in time but they will always be there. How you deal with this now will define how they feel about you for decades to come.
2 & 3 are your children - do they really need this to define their childhood
4/ Is you suffering mother. If you had a good childhood maybe it was because she sucked it up and thought of her children and swallowed her pride
5/ and finally you. But don't forget the 4 in front of you.

I really feel for you and even more for your wife and kids. Don't let this moment define your life.

Hello all,
I realize that my response may very well not be met with acceptance by many, but please understand that we all have different experiences and therefore we have different perspectives.

I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse as well as having been on the receiving end of marital infidelity.

I think it needs to be discussed what this man is not only feeling, but is describing. He feels that his wife AND father betrayed his trust. HurtandConfusedABC talks about how his adult girlfriend was involved in a consensual, increasingly sexual relationship with his father. Was she victimized? Hm...I mean...she was an adult. She clearly knew his intentions very clearly by the time that his hand was in her pants touching her. Yet, she still worked late alone with him, went to his office alaone at night, etc...and was involved with increasingly sexual contact including mutual oral sex. She told him that she drew a firm line on actual sexual genital intercourse.

I'm sorry that this happened, but it certainly is difficult to accept this as him assuming all responsibility. I'm sure it was confusing at first, and I'm sure she didnt bring it on herself...but she did make a conscious choice to continue it and even mutually escalate it and hide the real facts for many years.

I get that she thought this would cause major problems for ALL involved, but that doesnt explain the fact that she did it willingly...repeatedly. A one time thing and I would say you have a perverted father on your hands. Multiple encounters involving increasingly sexual contact is a little harder to explain away.

She said "this is wrong". I got that, but...this is wrong...does NOT mean "no" as someone suggested. It just means she acknowledged what they were doing was wrong. It didn't stop either of them from continuing it. It just proves that she indeed had a conscience and either felt guilty, or knew that they would or should.

I hate that you are dealing with this, but I don't know if keeping blinders on is the best way to deal with it. At 21 years of age, your wife (then gf) had a consensual sexual affair with your father. I personally think that she KNOWS she made a huge error and had an enormous lapse in judgement...and I WOULD work hard at understanding and forgiving those things. She was manipulated and taken advantage of, but I certainly don't think this is any form of abuse. If she was 10..I would say send him to jail immediately. if she was 16 I would say he needs to go to jail and seek immediate therapy....but she was 21. She totally knew what she was doing and what he wanted after the first time he touched her genitals, but she stayed and continued.

She loves you and knew this would hurt you. She also doesnt want this to come out for many reasons. A main reason is probably the fact that she chose to continue the behavior and only chose to stop it at a certain point. She could have stopped it at any point of course...I mean lets be real here...whats the father going to do? he is going to tell people it didnt work out and PRAY that she keeps her mouth shut.

And to what someone else wrote about her only being 21. Yes, she was 21 and obviously being college educated. She certainly knew that engaging in sexual contact with your future father in law is not the best idea.

I would have to respectfully disagree. There was an imbalance of experience, intent and power in that relationship, and it's one that has played out countless times between younger women in a vulnerable position, and older men in a position of power. This wasn't a case where she pursued him, his proclivities were well established before she came along.

I think the young woman tried to manage the situation, as many do, because the alternative of reporting it risks everything, her job, her reputation, and in this case, her fiancé. Also out of naïveté that she was up against an experienced abuser, who knew exactly what to do to manipulate her. Young people are overconfident and don't anticipate risks well, it's part of what makes them vulnerable. So at each escalation, she probably thought she could manage it without it becoming worse, or public.

You could correctly argue that was a poor choice. I wish we lived in a world where that was so obviously true that people would not think twice about reporting. But the fact is these men are quite aggressive and experienced. Once they corner you and stick their hand down your pants, how do you reveal that without being judged? That is part of their strategy, they know it will be difficult. And in the moment, it takes a confident and courageous person to confront the abuser directly, when they hold so much power over you.

Harvey Weinstein is a textbook case of how this is done, and also how to get away with it. For every woman that has come forward, I'm sure there are many others who submitted, and are too ashamed of their actions to speak up. He didn't do those things for no reason, he did them because they were successful. Should we judge the silent submissions any differently than those who escaped, yet also remained silent for so many years?

This is the essence of the #MeToo movement, that imbalances and vulnerabilities should not be used to carry out abuse. The abuse is not justified by the fact that the person can be manipulated into submission, or kept quiet. And if the person does submit and remain silent, we should reserve our condemnation for the instigators and perpetrators, who knew exactly what they were doing.

^^ absolutely agree.. perfect post avatar123.