Not able to discuss experience with therapist

Also not able to give details here for some reason.

Experience as a child. Was not bad in severity (no penetration etc) but in terms of within the family no longer feeling safe was traumatic. Was one incident and a few other strange things.

I got over it pretty well and person responsible plus anyone who suspected are all dead now (I'm 33 no living family any more).

Managed to actually say what had happened in full detail to a Samaritans helpline when I was 23 and moved out to live on my own. Confronted the person responsible and they denied it (they were very drunk at the time it happened). Only talked about it those times. Wish I'd never given rest of the (innocent) family who loved me suspicion as to why I cut myself off from the family, I'm very upset that I caused them worry and sadness etc. Grief of them being dead is horrible but there is relief that I don't have to lie or pretend any more. Though I believe in an afterlife so believe I will need to face them again at some point.

I am messaging here because I've been having nightmares about the person involved for years. Actually mentally I'm pretty okay, I don't think I'm too traumatised. But it had an impact. For a while I only had a few nightmares a year about it but recently it's been a few times a month that I can remember. I had one last night. In the nightmares I am also usually trying to hide what happened from my mother and looking after my mother. I can't explain the sadness misery and guilt I feel at letting her suspect something had happened.

I am typing all this because I think it might be a good idea to see a therapist about this. But I can't bring myself to make myself that vulnerable. Does that make sense to anybody? I have built protective walls for myself since then with an "I will look after myself" attitude and this event which has had a very very very very strong impact on my psyche and life / attitude to family and safety etc (trying to pretend everything was fine while living with the person responsible for 15 years). Can't bring myself to "break down the walls" if that makes sense. For the ego / self, were a therapist to not react correctly would be very damaging. I am too scared to feel the shame and pity also. Can't seem to go see a therapist for this reason.

Can anyone relate? Sorry this was rambling and vague. Also I know others had it worse, so I'm sorry for making a fuss. I feel sick at even sharing details on this forum.

Hi anon. Yes, I can relate. I have seen a lot of therapists, including a quite bad one that caused me severe problems. Nevertheless it is worth a try if you are cautious. You don’t have to open up at the first session, you do not have to do anything at all you feel not comfortable with.
Usually a therapists tries to build a therapeutic relation during the test sessions. Both partners evaluate the quality then and decide if it is worth - and safe - to go on with the process. I was lucky and found a very trustworthy therapist I can tell anything that is on my mind without risk. It has been a while now since I saw her last, but it is good to know she is there if I need her. I know by experience she reacts appropriate, according to my personal standards, that is why i fell safe with her.
I think your text is quite clear and there is enough material to work on without the need to go straight to the core. I would give it a try.
Crossing my fingers for you - good luck with it.

You could start with an online therapist and when you feel less vulnerable move into more therapeutic in person therapy?

I totally relate. You're not alone in that.
I got really upset when my therapist even had the thought I wanted to talk to her about it. I'll admit and say it happened, but it seems silly to talk about it.
She suggested a workbook called Courage to Heal. Maybe to help work things out alone rather than with someone since we feel unable to talk about it?