Child incest sex abuse advice needed please help triggering

//DOMESTIC AND CSA TRIGGER WARNING

I am seventeen years old and I am ‘still not over’ the sexual abuse dealt to me from my father from when I was 9 — 14, with physical, mental and emotional abuse preceding that but was still continued.

I find it hard to talk about but at times like these ny heart shudders socmuch that I think it might explode — and how it hurts that I’m not normal. I, of course, was not raised properly, and had pure hygiene as a child which I had to learn myself. I am still usekess at most things but I am slowly getting there.

i told social services, and through them my family found out, and I was sent to lvie with my grandmother. The stress I felt, I can still feel it weighing on my shaking shoulders today. I hate people telling other people my business, it makes me want to shout that I don’t want anyone to know anything about me!! She of course, told the rest of my family, and how much sympathy they felt for the ‘trauma’ she faced! I was angry but I was scared, and confined in a room with my only support, my phone (it sounds stupid but it is true, always beside me when everything happened.) taken away from me and i would be ledt starting at the room being forced to compress my memories beneath a happy surface. The stress I got there to do the case against my father, to not look miserable, to look like I enjoy life actually took a toll on my physical health and the stress actually gave me shingles. I demanded to be put into foster care because if I was going to be silent I would just get stamped over, just like at home.

So I moved, and they were nice enough. Posh toffs, looked down on me ‘cos I had a chavvy lowerclass accent (though it did admittedly become more posher the longer i stayed) but this is where I met my first boyfriend. Inwas with him for a year, if you csn even say boyfriend. He didn’t believe in womens rights, he had a horrible kink of women serving men and he reminded me of my father, though if I dare saybthat he would strike me. He would hit me often. When I didn’t want to do anything he would say that I should be over it by now because it’s been whole of a year and I would feel so inferior and pathetic.

Most of all, bodily wise I felt horrible. I didn’t (and still don’t) get any sexual gratification which makes me today feel disgusted in my own fat body that I hatebso nuch and why I just don’t feel any pleasure at all. My friend masturbates all the time but the very thought repulses me and when I attempt to do it I get bored within five-ten minutes and stop, feeling very pathetic. I don’t know why I’m not normal sexually? I hate relaionships, I haye it when someone triesnto push their way into my life though I wouldn’t mind a relationship if it was slow slow build but nothing is like that nowadays, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me sexually.

Another issue is that becauseb of the trauma I’ve developed DPD (dissociative personality disorder) and it’s not like I’m not used to if, I’ve felt this waybfor as long as I can remember and I constantly feel terrified but calm at the same time — feel like I’m not in a video game, or that life isn’t real, and freaking out over my own expiration and how much Imm not normal?????? I just had to speak to something. I don’t want to not be normal anymore