Distressed: creeped out by romance and intimacy

I have a history of physical and sexual abuses... I have so much trouble forming intimate relationships. I build a huge wall around me and let no one in. I’m confused because I crave the emotional and mental intimacy that comes from a relationship. But the ideas of touching, being touched, sexuality, even simple romantic expressions... really frighten and repulse me. And these feelings bring up so much self-hatred for being this way. Therapy hasn’t helped. I don’t know how to be different? It’s incredibly lonely to want love but to also be terrifed of and repulsed by it.

What types of therapy have you tried so far? I haven't made much headway with these types of feelings either until I tried psychoanalysis. I can't say I'm better at intimacy but at the very least I feel slightly less distressed because I understand more why I feel the way I feel. It is not so straightforward as "people abused me therefore I feel frightened and repulsed at people being intimate with me now". A lot of therapists might take this simplistic approach, which for some people is adequate for them to move on but unfortunately didn't work at all for me, I felt patronised. I think to get deeper at the things about the original experiences that cause you shame and that you avoid thinking about is key. It helps to have someone to guide you through the process. Looking at why you have the feelings you have is more about looking at your own actions and thoughts than about the other people. Some types of therapy don't deal that deeply with your own thoughts and reactions and look more at the benefit of creating a relationship with the therapist and having someone to chat with about what happened. That works great for some people but it sounds like you weren't one of them.