Just need to tell my story

Hi, I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum, I've never really opened up to anyone before so this is quite difficult.

I guess this starts when I was in primary school when I was around 8/9 years old, I was quite shy as a child and had trouble making friends and interacting with others. One day a new kid from another country joined my class and he quickly became very popular, despite that though somehow we came to be close friends, I remember looking up to him a lot because of how popular he was and because he was almost a year older than me.

Not long we became friends he invited me over to his house, while we were alone in his room he started telling me about a relationship he had with his cousin who was 4/5 years older than him and the things they did together, I didn't understand any of it at the time and didn't really respond. The next thing I remember is being in the corner of his room and him telling me that he loved me and he wanted to do things with me, I'd rather not go into detail here but I was scared and didn't really understand what was happening. I remember coming home and sitting curled up on my bed feeling so alone and confused.

This continued for maybe 1+1/2 years (my memory from this period is quite poor) quite often mostly at school, as I learned more about what I had done I started feeling an extreme amount of shame,guilt and sadness. I began crying randomly and started becoming very scared of going to school.

I spent the last couple of years of primary school constantly thinking of suicide and convinced I was going to die at any moment, I was incredibly scared that kids at school and my family would find out what I had done and I became even more reclusive and paranoid.

When I moved to secondary school the other boy went to a different school, I managed to forget about what I had been through and slowly started interacting with others and making friends, I was so happy to have a normal life.

Around 2 years into secondary school a girl I was friends with got a bit too close to me when I wasn't expecting it, all the feelings I had bottled up from my childhood came rushing back to me and I began to withdraw from people once again. Many years have passed since then but I never really had the strength to seek help or try and interact with others again, I've become very numb emotionally and have trouble interacting with others (I fit pretty much all the criteria for AVPD). Any physical contact feels very invasive to me so I try avoid at any way possible.

I never expected to write so much but I've never felt comfortable talking about this to anybody so it's quite a relief, any advice anyone has would be appreciated, thanks.

I'm really sorry that happened to you - it doesn't sound like you wanted to do what he wanted from you.
The confusion and feeling so alone is a horrible and really isolating thing for a child to have to try and cope with.. it makes you feel so different to other children and you can't manage to reach out and connect when you feel like no-one is quite the same as you.
I spent most of my childhood feeling so so different and separate and like you, I was introduced to a side of the world that no child should be able to see.

Can I ask what happened with the girl at school that you were friends with..? you said she got too close.. did she try and push you into talking when you weren't ready to - was pushy and didn't respect your boundaries?
Please feel free not to answer if you're not comfy - i know how difficult it can be to go back and think about all of this stuff - sometimes it still feels very very raw and like it just happened.

Do you think you'd like to try stepping out into the world and reaching out a bit now?
I'm working on lowering my barriers a little bit at the moment after some trauma a few years ago sent me back into retreat from everyone mode.. it's not easy but i'm starting to understand that i can work out who to trust now and that lots of people are genuinely decent (especially many members here)
Have you thought about trying a group for people with social phobia/anxiety/depression or anything.? I went to a group counselling place last year and found it surprisingly okay. I was expecting to feel really out of place but when i got there i felt almost at home. There were people there that couldn't make eye contact, people that had their heads right down.. people that had all kinds of issues and it was a relief to be able to sit there and feel that i had something in common with them.

Hi! So sorry to hear how things have been. You're not alone, and I think it's great that you posted here.

I think it's just awful that one of your earliest friendships did those things to you. You trusted him and looked up to him, and he took advantage of that. It sounds like that was probably a very influential time in your young life, and I'm so sorry that you were treated that way. You certainly have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Honestly, there are many, many people who have had similar things happen in their lives. I hope you get a chance to talk to people with similar experiences. Feeling alone is the worst, and I think that could really make a lot of difference.

Just a few encouraging words - It wasn't your choice, so it's not your fault. The vast majority of people would not judge you at all if they knew what happened. They'd probably just want to be really nice to you.

I'm definitely no expert, but it really sounds to me that meds or therapy or both could really help you a lot. Seems like there's just a lot of pervasive anxiety and shame involved when dealing with people. Which is pretty normal - everyone gets like that, just a matter of degree. I would really recommend talking with a doctor about it. Anti-anxiety meds can make a night and day difference for some people.

Well, I just wanted to reach out, let you know that there are people in your corner. If you'd like, feel free to reply here or PM me if there's anything you want to talk about. From what I read, I get the feeling that you could be doing really well soon.

It's gonna be OK! Best wishes.

I am sorry you had to enduring those horrible things as a child. Maybe pick out successful contact with people and know that all is not lost...A therapist can help you with changing what is making you the way you are and then it might change in future for you.

Hey, thanks for the replies, it really means a lot

seabreezeblue wrote:Can I ask what happened with the girl at school that you were friends with..? you said she got too close.. did she try and push you into talking when you weren't ready to - was pushy and didn't respect your boundaries?

Actually this girl was really great person and was nothing but nice to me, it is just that I become very paranoid and untrusting to anyone that shows some sort of affection towards me, at that time specifically I wasn't expecting her to have any feelings for me so when she was suddenly quite affectionate towards me it was quite shocking and brought back memories I thought I'd gotten past.

On therapy, I'm not sure if I'm quite ready yet but pretty soon I'm going to have to be interacting with a lot of new people on a daily basis, I'm hoping that I can become a little more comfortable socially and then maybe I'll look into getting professional help . I guess since I have always tried to deal with my problems alone it will be quite difficult to look to others for help, people always assume based on how I act/look that I'm a really confident, normal person which only makes it harder to open up.

PrettyLonely wrote:Hey, thanks for the replies, it really means a lot

seabreezeblue wrote:Can I ask what happened with the girl at school that you were friends with..? you said she got too close.. did she try and push you into talking when you weren't ready to - was pushy and didn't respect your boundaries?

Actually this girl was really great person and was nothing but nice to me, it is just that I become very paranoid and untrusting to anyone that shows some sort of affection towards me, at that time specifically I wasn't expecting her to have any feelings for me so when she was suddenly quite affectionate towards me it was quite shocking and brought back memories I thought I'd gotten past.

On therapy, I'm not sure if I'm quite ready yet but pretty soon I'm going to have to be interacting with a lot of new people on a daily basis, I'm hoping that I can become a little more comfortable socially and then maybe I'll look into getting professional help . I guess since I have always tried to deal with my problems alone it will be quite difficult to look to others for help, people always assume based on how I act/look that I'm a really confident, normal person which only makes it harder to open up.

Hi again.

You know, I like your plan for how to approach therapy. From my experience with therapy, it can be very beneficial, but tends to be emotionally draining at first, as you begin to tackle the issues. So waiting until you're in a good place is a good plan of attack, IMO.

From what I've read, the most positive outcomes come from a combination of therapy, meds and environmental things like a support network. Blasting away with both barrels, so to speak. They're all usually beneficial on their own, but combining them if possible seems to have a kind of synergistic effect. So, your plan sounds really smart to me.

Just today I had a random flashback from where I was at socially in middle school. I was so intent on avoiding contact with other people that I learned to time my movements in the hallways at precisely the time when the double doors in the hall would prevent me from being seen by someone going the other way. I became really phobic about any contact with others and tried everything I could think of to avoid engagement. Just so ashamed of myself.

Happy to say today that I'm quite the opposite in my adult life. Looking back, it was just really cool to realize that things really can change dramatically as we grow as people. I believe that.

It's good to read your posts and see how you are doing. Take care of yourself, hope things are going very well!