A mother with guilt

I want to thank all of you for your words of encouragement and advice. This does mean a lot to me and it does help. We all may not know each other personally but I'm glad we have these forums to speak out and maybe even help someone else out there. I have read some of the threads on here and am amazed at how some of the victims are dealing with some of the horrific things that occurred in their lives. We all need to know we are not alone out there. When I hear from some of the victims stories and read the stories my heart does go out to them. I sincerely hope that all of us some day find peace of mind. I know this will be a hard task but we can't allow what some evil and sick people do totally destroy our lives. There is hope. I have been having a hard time processing what has happened to Johns daughters and only recently finding out about my son. As time goes on Sean is remembering a little more. This is very hard for me and at times I feel depressed, guilty, embarrassed and stupid. So again, I want to thank you all.

P.S. I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP !!!!!!

This has been on my mind the past few days. Last year on 8/16/14 we were celebrating Johns birthday with his mother and his two daughters. Before we went out to dinner I had John come with me to Macys so that he could pick out a watch for his birthday gift. He was surprised and loved the watch. I didn't want him to suspect that anything was wrong or that I knew anything. We went to dinner as soon as we got back. The whole time all I could think of was what he was doing with his daughter and what he had done with his older daughter. This was not easy to keep this to myself. I couldn't sit still because of what was on my mind, I kept leaving the table to go to the bathroom or go outside. I definitely was not myself. I was nauseous, I wanted to throw up and I wanted to scream. I couldn't eat. I forced myself. Johns mother knew something wasn't right. When we got back to his mothers house, Emily was mad at her father and was acting up with him. Giving him the cold shoulder and was pulling away from him every time he touched her. As the evening went on Emily got worse. Johns mother was sitting with her and talking for quite some time. They were whispering and Emily was crying. Then Johns mother was crying along with Emily. John wanted to leave. I was the last to go out the door. I was saying goodbye to Johns mother and then she started to cry and shake. Mean while John and his daughters are in the car waiting for me. Then Johns mother asks me "why does Emily want to have John in bed with her.?" Then she begins to cry even more and shake and then tells me "That girl needs the proper love. She's not getting the proper love" and she repeated this several times while shaking her head. I didn't know how to respond so I asked her what do you mean? Johns mother then said "we need to talk, this isn't right those poor girls have never had the proper love." and "John and Carolyn have never given them the proper love girls should have." I was still stunned and didn't know how to respond, I told her I will come by this week and have lunch with her and we will talk. I felt bad for her because it was then I realized she knew more than I thought. John then honks the horn for me to get into the car. Then we go home. This was on my mind the whole night and then some. I was sick to my stomach.

I have been quiet for a little while because I am having a hard time processing some things. I have learned that there was more to my sons story. He is remembering a lot more now. He told me and his therapist of Johns activities while my son was alone with him. He said I was at work or was in another room. My son was a little embarrassed to talk about it but found the courage to speak. First he told me about the times he was in the bathroom with John. John would watch him get undressed and then would cut his hair. He said about the fourth time he told John "no". So I asked what made you say "no" that time? He said "I felt like John was going to do something to me and I didn't feel right about him." "John got very mad at me and started to ask me a few more times to take my clothes off and I still said no." "John was mean to me after that." I then asked him how old were you when this happened? Sean said "I was about twelve or thirteen." I asked him do you mean when we first moved in? He said "it was about three or four months after we moved in." This was the first time I really asked him some questions about this because I noticed that Sean was getting some of his ticks back and closing his eyes facing the ceiling. This too was noticed by the therapist. I finally asked Sean "honey was there anything else that you are remembering? Was there anything else John may have done to you or something that appeared odd to you?" His response was not what I had expected. I thought that maybe Johns "thing" was little or young girls. Not thinking that maybe boys too. So Sean began to tell me what John did. He then began to close his eyes and face the ceiling and his ticks were starting. I didn't let him know but I was getting nervous. My son has come a long way with his autism and I would not like to see him go backwards. He finally told me that John would rub himself "down there". I'm a little upset I will be back.

Ok I have composed myself. Sean then explained in more detail. I then asked him was he maybe rubbing his legs or maybe adjusting himself? Sean then said "no, he was rubbing his privates." Not that I didn't believe him but asked the same question again. Sean explained in greater detail and then showed me and the therapist what he meant. Sean was feeling embarrassed when he was explaining but he did fine. He showed us enough to understand. So as Sean was explaining it to me my memory kicked in and realized that what he was explaining was what John would do with his daughter Emily. I then asked Sean for how long and when would John do this? Sean said "John would do it a lot and for a few years." "He would rub himself a lot in the mornings and sometimes when you were in the other room or went to the bathroom and sometimes at night when you were still at work." I also asked where he would do this. Sean told me that most of the time he would be sitting in the chair by the computer and just stare at me but it was almost like he wasn't looking at me. You know ma do you remember the stare he had when we saw him and Emily in the kitchen? I replied yes I do, I will never forget it. Sean said 'it was like that." Sometimes it would be when we were watching TV. I asked "what were you watching?" He said "nothing special but he would rub himself while I sat next to him." When did he stop? I asked. Sean's response was around the time Emily moved in. There is more but too much to tell. I think people can get the gist of what I am saying. Sean noticed that when I would come in the room John was able to stop what he was doing and made sure that I didn't see him doing that. Well this is what I am trying to process. I feel awful for my son that he had to go through this. I am glad though he is telling me and his therapist though. By the way when he told me we were alone and when he told his therapist they were alone and Sean's story never changed.

While I was finding out more from my son recently, I found out that John was causing more trouble. Of course it has to do with sexual harassment. Of course it has do with him being mean and sneaky. Some how I am not surprised. I am convinced that this leopard will not change his spots. I did not go looking for this information. I just happened to be with a different group of people who were talking about it and I kept silent. People look at me as if I have an explanation but I don't. The only thing I can say, John is unique there is no reason, there is no explanation. He does what he does because he can. He has been at this for many years. This just didn't happen over night. If he got caught he would figure out another way around it. In the mean time he would make up a story or something. I then explain what you see on the surface is his cover, that is not what or who he is. Like I wrote down in the past "the profile of a sociopath". I'm sure there is more to him I am not a professional psychiatrist. I only have personal experience with John and my experience with interviewing these kind of people. People who are observant do notice that even though his boss has to be interviewing someone of a delicate nature, John still walks around cocky and mean. People say if that was me I would be embarrassed. What I have noticed is John knows how to deflect and try to bring attention to other people and things. He makes sure he is seen and heard so that you don't think it was him doing something bad. Then when it quiets down he starts up again. He can't help himself. I will say this about me, I am embarrassed to have ever been with someone like this. He is good at covering up and telling stories. The only thing that I am grateful for is that I listened to my instincts and caught him with his daughter. Who knows what more damage he could've done to my son and daughter. I get sick thinking about what he has done and is continuing to do. No one ever stops him. I hope all goes well for his victims and I am sorry.

I have been worried for my son. Since he is remembering things that he has experienced with John. My son is very angry. Sean has been having a short temper and is on edge lately. His ticks have gotten worse and his closing of his eyes and facing the ceiling thing he does is more often. I wonder if this is a result of him talking about what happened between him and John. I hope he doesn't get worse. I wonder at times whether it is good for him to talk about it.

From my own experience talking about what happened, remembering stuff it helps in the long run adressing the whole problem and coping with it, but in the actual moment of remembering thinking about it, it is only natural that emotions like rage hate and sadness boil up, I always take small doses being pricked with your past too much only throws you into a big black sea of turbulent emotions and without coping mechanisms it's hard to swim out of that, but everytime you do it, it makes you stronger, so in my case ya, talking, thinking, touching these past memories is a good thing, but getting confronted with them over and over again with no rest, that is not good, at least it wasn't for me...So I guess what I wanted to say; take it slow...but definetly adress stuff that has you worried.

I agree with annym123.

It is normal that Sean's short tempered and on the edge lately. He's processing all that happened to him. People who have suffered any kind of abuse do well when talking about it, in safe environments and having safe tools to deal and process with the emotions the feel during and after talking about it.

Tell him to take it slow, he doesn't have to talk about everything right now, but it is good that he talks about it.

Sea

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am worried for my son. Sean has opened up more about what happened between him and John. He has expressed how angry he is about it. I am glad he is talking. I have never seen him like this. I did let him know that no matter what he wants to do about this, I will be there for him. It will be tough but we will get through it. I too am having a hard time processing what happened. This has been very hard. I am so sorry that my son went through this and is still having to go through this. The guilt is overwhelming.

A lot has been going on with my son and we have been dealing with it. He has his moments but therapy has helped. He is talking about it more. He is expressing his feelings more. He is autistic (Asperger's) so this is hard for him but he is doing it and I am proud of him. I give him credit because this would be hard for anyone. I felt the need to write this because there is not too many people I can talk to about this subject. He is a good kid with a good heart.

-- Fri Oct 09, 2015 4:34 am --

He deserved better treatment than he got.