A mother with guilt

Yesterday me and my kids were going over a few things about John and his daughters. We were trying to put some of the incidents in a timeline. While we were my son told me something new. He told me that he remembers the time we were on the patio and John and Emily had just returned home from dance. We thought John was coming to the patio but he did not. They remained in the kitchen like they always did after dance. I said to Sean let John know we are out on the patio. Sean went up the steps to go in but stopped and stared through the sliding glass door. I said to Sean "what's wrong why don't you go in?" He replied "hey mom you better come see this". I went up the steps and saw John fondling Emilys left breast. That's when I told Sean get off the steps and sit down. What I didn't know was what Sean saw before I got to the steps. Yesterday he finally told me. He told me he remembers Emily in a red dress with her arms around Johns neck. John had his hands on her waist. Then Emily was dancing for John. I said what do you mean dancing for John? He said "you know Ma like when a girl is rubbing on a mans parts". It was then when it hit me again what I had put my son through with this man. I am so mad at myself.

We talked about it briefly. Sean asked "what's wrong with them? why did Emily like it so much?" Emily had a smile on her face the whole time. Sean also asked how did John get her to do those things with him? I told him this is something we will never understand. I wish I had an answer for Sean but how do you have a logical answer to something illogical. What I did say to Sean was we can't hold this against Emily because although she did not seem it but she is the victim here. She cannot escape what has happened and what she has done. She could try to escape this one way or another but unfortunately this will never go away. That was when I realized there is no returning to normal for both daughters. They can get help but this just doesn't go away. This is a very sad fact. John and Carolyn had two daughters and what could have been potentially smart productive people, they destroyed them. I hope I am wrong about this. But sadly it is inevitable. He lied to them, he manipulated them, he conditioned, trained, or whatever you want to call it. They will need to know one day it is not their fault. They do not need to be embarrassed. They need to know help is out there and they are not alone. Oh there situation may be different from others, but John is a sociopath and deviant. That is what it is. My son just shook his head and looked sad. Then he said "I am so mad at John. I hope he gets it one day". I told him that's enough talking about this for now. Try not to think about it.

I told my son not to think about it but I still had to. I am trying to put what I saw in a timeline. I will say it is very upsetting. But this is what I have to do. Johns daughters should talk not only for themselves but for the future victims. John had said to me "you know I will be very lonely" I said "don't worry you will always have Carolyn and the girls, You will be fine." John replied "I will have Emily for two more years and then she is done with me." I just stared at him and wondered what he meant because you never lose your kids they hang around forever for most people. That's when I remembered that Tully the older daughter broke it off with John, she was 18 and they never got together again. He must have the same understanding with Emily, in two years she will be 18. It may stop for Emily one day but what will John do after that? Someone like John just doesn't stop. There will be more victims if there hasn't been already. The daughters have no clue what he does outside of their arrangements. John needs to be stopped. He can't help himself. He will continue. There will be more crimes committed by this deviant.

While I was recalling the last years incidents I found myself getting angry and sad. Not at anyone but myself. I wish I could take back a few moments and correct them. Even if it could've been dangerous. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not looking for people to tell me stop beating yourself up. I am not looking for revenge. I really don't know what I am looking for but I do know this, I know what was going on between John and his daughters, I know I saw what I saw, I know I have exposed my kids to a man, no child or woman should be exposed to, I know he has been at this a long time, I know he will continue to do it, I know he has destroyed lives, I know he is intelligent, I know he thinks he is superior to all, I know that this is a game to him, I know he plans what his next move will be, I know he has told his daughters how to react and what to say, and I know he wants me dead. That by the way is on camera. While he was saying that after we did the sperm tests on Emilys panties he then hit the table top and stated that the dept. mustn't find out. She has to keep pushing the envelope she must die the slut!! It was quite an eye opener. He will stop at nothing to keep his dark dirty secrets a secret. He needs to be stopped. I hope people are looking for inconsistencies in his stories. One thing I have to say about that is the truth cannot be changed. I also know that I would like to get rid of this guilt I carry around everyday. I also know that I hope justice and my prayers will be answered for all.

The other day I got some alone time with my favorite niece. We were talking and it was nice. I then told her that I loved her and that I was very sorry for putting her in harms way with John. She doesn't know the whole story about John and Emily. I was didn't want to upset her, but she is no dummy, she suspected something wasn't right between John and his daughters. I had hoped back when I was with John that my niece and Emily would become good friends but for some reason it never happened, almost like it wasn't aloud to happen. Weird I know. Anyway I just wanted to let her know my feelings just in case of anything, you never know what could happen. After I told her that, there were a few seconds of silence and then I told her I'm going to the garage to have a cigarette. She then followed me. She then said "I have something to tell you". I could tell from her tone this was not good. I looked at her and my heart began to beat rapidly and said "what". She then told me about one of her dance competitions. John, Carolyn and Emily was there. Emily dances as well. My niece then told me she felt very uncomfortable being in their presence, which I can understand. She then told as the day went on she noticed John was standing and leaning on the auditorium wall and was staring at her in a creepy way. She thought at first maybe it was her imagination. Throughout the competition he remained like that and still stared at her. So she asked on of her girlfriends to look for her and they confirmed that John was still staring at my niece. She wanted someone else to notice what was going on. I told her "your a smart kid, you must get that from your aunt". She then reassured me that she was never alone. She made sure that she always had someone with her. I again complemented "good girl". So now here comes some more creepy stuff. The dancers have to go and get changed for their next number in some area that is designated the dressing rooms. She went in to change and then came out and noticed John was standing in the school hallway by the dressing rooms and was staring at the girls coming out. My niece the reminds me that they are wearing skimpy dance costumes. I said I know. John then spotted her and attempted to approach her by saying "hi and how are you?" She then said "hi, fine" and kept going with her group. (Thank God I'm saying to myself). She said he looked creepy the way he was staring. She just didn't feel right around him. She again said "he is very creepy". Then like a normal teenage girl she had to say something about his mustache. She said "what is with Johns mustache he did a very bad dye job. It makes him look even creepier". I'm just so sorry that young teenage and younger girls have to endure creepy old men.

-- Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:58 am --

The other day I got some alone time with my favorite niece. We were talking and it was nice. I then told her that I loved her and that I was very sorry for putting her in harms way with John. She doesn't know the whole story about John and Emily. I was didn't want to upset her, but she is no dummy, she suspected something wasn't right between John and his daughters. I had hoped back when I was with John that my niece and Emily would become good friends but for some reason it never happened, almost like it wasn't aloud to happen. Weird I know. Anyway I just wanted to let her know my feelings just in case of anything, you never know what could happen. After I told her that, there were a few seconds of silence and then I told her I'm going to the garage to have a cigarette. She then followed me. She then said "I have something to tell you". I could tell from her tone this was not good. I looked at her and my heart began to beat rapidly and said "what". She then told me about one of her dance competitions. John, Carolyn and Emily was there. Emily dances as well. My niece then told me she felt very uncomfortable being in their presence, which I can understand. She then told as the day went on she noticed John was standing and leaning on the auditorium wall and was staring at her in a creepy way. She thought at first maybe it was her imagination. Throughout the competition he remained like that and still stared at her. So she asked on of her girlfriends to look for her and they confirmed that John was still staring at my niece. She wanted someone else to notice what was going on. I told her "your a smart kid, you must get that from your aunt". She then reassured me that she was never alone. She made sure that she always had someone with her. I again complemented "good girl". So now here comes some more creepy stuff. The dancers have to go and get changed for their next number in some area that is designated the dressing rooms. She went in to change and then came out and noticed John was standing in the school hallway by the dressing rooms and was staring at the girls coming out. My niece the reminds me that they are wearing skimpy dance costumes. I said I know. John then spotted her and attempted to approach her by saying "hi and how are you?" She then said "hi, fine" and kept going with her group. (Thank God I'm saying to myself). She said he looked creepy the way he was staring. She just didn't feel right around him. She again said "he is very creepy". Then like a normal teenage girl she had to say something about his mustache. She said "what is with Johns mustache he did a very bad dye job. It makes him look even creepier". I'm just so sorry that young teenage and younger girls have to endure creepy old men.

The other day my son and I went to the psychologist for our weekly visit. After our appointments we went for something to eat. Everything seemed to be going well. Then we were heading home. While I was driving, Sean began to talk and he appeared to be very serious and angry. I asked him what was wrong. He said "hey mom, you know when I talked to you about John and when he asked me to take my pants off?". I replied "yes I remember". Sean then said, "well....it was a little more than that." That's when my heart fell out of my chest, I began to shake and my eyes began to tear up. I told myself to remain calm and don't show Sean how upset I am. So I gathered myself quick and then asked Sean "what are you saying?" Sean replied with a statement "you know mom it is strange how the mind protects you when something bad happens to you. It makes you forget for a while." I said "yeah I know what you mean". So I asked him if he was remembering things. Sean said "yes and they are bad." I was able to see he was a hesitant, so I didn't want to push him. Sean then continued to say "well....the pants thing with John. I took my pants off other times that you don't know about mom." In the meantime my was breaking. I then asked "why did you do that?" Sean responded with "I figured that if I didn't give him a hard time and do it, he would be like a father to me." My heart continued to break so much more that I don't think it will ever mend. I could see that he was having a hard with this. I reassured him that none of it was his fault, and is not in trouble and to not be ashamed. I then told him I am here for you always, I love you. I didn't want to upset him anymore than he was. I told him you can talk to me when you are ready. He said "thanks mom, I love you too." Then the rest of the ride home was silent. I am so sorry that my baby had to through these things. The guilt is killing me.

That's heartbreaking that he wanted him to love him so much that he kept quiet about that.. I wish that children could understand that if someone doesn't love them, that it's not their fault... that some grownups are really just awful and need telling on.

I'm really glad he's starting to open up properly - that's really important and it sounds like the psych appts are really helping him.

Unfortunately there is no much place for people strong like you so I am sad you have not many feedbacks. Im happy to see how much you are fight with yourself and never surrendering, even if with no answers continuing to write about because this is healty for you, you want react, despite the down moments, ignoring the little support.
And continue to fight in this situation where all seems decided and a lot of people surrendered ahead of the evidence. And you wanted to get ahead at the truth instead of fortetting all and then you have find yourself fronting the worse moment one person can imagine.

The more you search for the good the more it goes worse. But this is life. Try to think you lucky for what you have and for your greater awareness that will preserve you all in future, future is yours.

Your advantage is you want to be a sparkly butterfly. And your son will be certainly, with a strong bright life.

Continue to write when you need. Im sure a lot of people read and root for you but reality is too hard to face.



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When your son have seen the smile on the girl, is the smile of a zombie, she learn to please him, sometimes if the abuser see the suffering/guilty on the face of his victim become more violent and upset, as you said she had like..a training till was a baby, now she is only like he want.
But be sure, she wasnt happy at all.

And its terrible how he know it !!! She cant say all to the police because if it happen she is not sure in that direct moment will be to safety, even only some other moments with the abuser angry can be intolerable.

But even him know, when she will be free she will run away. And the deviant was sad thinking him without victims. [But attention, how many times do they find another wife with their children as new sacrifical lambs?]

But its this in all the world, just now. It was happen and will happen with or without you.
Just try what you can.

A hug

Last night I had received some messages and some postings and I couldn't see them too clearly because all I could do was cry. I am so so so so sorry that these things happened. All I can say is John was very good at what he did for many years. John had me fooled and everyone else. A lot of people knew something wasn't right with him but couldn't quite place it. Well now we know. There is so much more I have not told or shown for the sake of the kids. This has to be horrible for them. The day will come when it hits Emily hard, if it hasn't already. The older sister, it has hit her hard already but she will need help with that. My son on the other hand is just starting to remember some horrific things. Sean has been remembering things down to every detail for the past two months. It seems after his visits with the psychologist, something is sparked in his memory. I guess the psychologist knows what he is doing. Whatever it is it's working. I hope all goes well for my son. I don't know if I am ready for this. I didn't give it a thought until now. I will give you a little background on my son. Sean was diagnosed with a form of autism, Asperger's. He is on the high functioning side of the autism spectrum. He has a thing for numbers, facts, collects things that he is fascinated with, and has an eye for things that the average person misses (its hard to explain) and constantly washes his hands. It looks like a little OCD goes with this. He is a good hearted kid, he believes in being honest (sometimes too honest, I have to stop him. That's the Asperger's). He has come along way and is getting better at the social thing. So we use the term (on Sean time). Which would explain why I am finding things out now. I didn't know. I left Sean alone with John many times. I didn't know. I don't know if I am ready for this. I am a bundle of emotions right now. To list a few, sad, angry, embarrassed, appalled, horrified, and whatever else. There is no exact words for what I feel right now. What I do think about is, people knew of his deviant behavior and not one person ever stopped him. Do not get me wrong I am not blaming anyone. This is very hard to understand, that's all. I hope there will not be anymore victims, but if he is not stopped there will be. John cannot help himself. He will mess up again especially when he feels arrogant and gets into fantasy land with himself. That too is hard to explain. You had to be there. Thank you all for your sentiments. It really does help.

I have seen how dangerous is playing with "the three monkeys", my abuser had an escalation in some more crucial steps where she seen to be still indulged, really understanding how far she could push herself. Till what scenes people closed two eyes...etc. Till what point authority manipulated themself the situation to meet her halfway, to make nothing was happening.
Because the most time things could be more covered, you (<the abuser) know that people back you up but you cant said it for sure but at one time wow you say I had done it very big (sorry I dont know very well common saying in Eng) I had been a little frightened but woow till what point all is ok, how much they continue to smile, to be obliging, Im really the goodest, the most potent one! (she had some feature very masculine in the mind, acting also, at home) and the her ego's traits have an outburst and all his trait worsen and go mad. Like "I can really do all I want".

It is like with dogs: bad things - good feedback : really no good result.

Infact they are "dogs".