A mother with guilt

Sorry I have been so long winded but there is so much to tell. I have been getting stronger and am able to cope with this better. It may take me a while but I'm getting there. The department at the request of John has asked me to not talk poorly of John and to not defame his name. He was cleared of all charges. He is an innocent man. Well let me start by saying how vindictive I am...NOT...I didn't sign or press any charges against him. So therefore a person cannot be found not guilty or guilty if there are no charges. I gave the police enough evidence to question. Not enough to start a full blown investigation. I had hoped the daughters would talk. They did not. I was too emotionally distraught at the time to think straight. All I could think of was my safety as well as my kids. This was a lot for me at the time knowing what I know. I was worried of what would happen to Johns daughters, the effect this will have on my kids, the department, what will happen now, what are we going to do, the embarrassment for all involved, how many other victims are there, why doesn't Carolyn (the daughters mother) say something or even begin to question something. It is endless all the thoughts that went through my head and at this point no one knew what was going on. All I knew was I had to get out of there. I could not stand it anymore and not be able to do something. This goes against everything I feel and believe. With all due respect to the department my answer is...NO...I will not be silenced anymore. John cannot control me anymore.

To get back to the department and all of my superiors, fellow officers and civilian employees, to all of you I have nothing but the utmost respect. I consider myself very lucky and privileged to have this job and to have gotten to know and make friends throughout the years. I have an added bonus I like my work. For all of this I am grateful. From what I understand John's name has already been defamed by his own doing. I will list a few things that come to mind. There are incidents with female inmates, incidents with female officers, nurses at the hospital post, nurses in the facility, female GED teachers, and not to mention what more than several officers have said about John with his daughters and other things. All I have just mentioned and more has been while he is on duty. During his shift. I didn't even get to the off duty incidents. Now knowing what I know and seeing what I saw and what all 4 kids have been through and every other victim along his way and future victims, I hope people will understand I cannot be silent anymore. He can do his "gaslighting" oh by the way I got that term from his older daughter (one of her clues about her father) and I like to call it windowdressing that he does. You know make everything appear great and not really what it is. Maybe even smoke and mirrors some people would say. Whatever it is, he can not use anyone or anything on me anymore. John will not control me...sorry.

I have been very quiet about this. So much so the things I saw him do with his daughter and things I know that he has done it is eating at me. I have not bothered him nor talked about him until recently. I guess he should not have sat at my table. His arrogance will be his demise. I haven't gone to anyone or bothered them about him. I didn't even make a complaint about him trying to contact my daughter several times. He stooped so low he had his daughter write my daughter. My daughter would not respond. We didn't say anything because my daughter works in the medical unit, she is a temp for the nursing agency and she was afraid they will get rid of her. You know how people are it is easier to get rid of a temp than the permanent Sergeant. I haven't mentioned the fact that when me and my daughter reviewed some of the cameras we found out that he would look her up on the internet put his hand on his heart and then masturbate to her photos. I do believe I have been the quiet one. I also haven't mentioned the 2009 Chevrolet Traverse that he purchased. I do believe just before me there was a nurse named Trish and for some reason he kept sending her a lot of money and I do mean a lot of money. He kept in contact with her and I wonder why, you know things that make you go HMMM...I never mentioned that in the middle of his shifts he would go home and do things with his daughter...a lot. I'm sure he would give his LT. the old excuse "you know how kids have their heads up their ass. Emily forgot her key" I have to go let her in the house. Maybe he would say I have to go to Yaphank and work on the procedures with another Sgt. You know be there for 10 minutes and then show up at the house do some things with his daughter and then race back to work. Who cares what he would say they were all lies. Hey I did say I put cameras in the house right? Things that make you go HMMMM. Oh and lets not forget the home computer, you know how when you go on, it shows the times and what you looked up...HMMM. I haven't even begun to touch the surface yet. I guess he shouldn't have sat at my table.

Sorry for ranting and I'm sorry for all that has happened. But I am so mad and feel so guilty that I could not get him to stop. I wish I had known sooner and maybe some of the things could've not happened. I don't know. I could kick myself for not seeing the signs or clues his older daughter was putting out there. I have said enough for now. There is more yet to come. Like my psychologist said to me last week "I have looked at your site (on this forum) apparently there has been a lot of views. It seems that you've held a lot back." My response was "yeah I have, but some is so horrific I just don't have words for it. I'm trying to not be too graphic." I'm still getting flashbacks even more so now. It seems the more I heal the more my brain is releasing. It's weird I know. Oh let me make it clear my psychologist did not put false memories in my head. Oh and I don't think that Johns older daughter has had false memories put in her head by her psychologist. Oh don't get me wrong John may still get to her and hold her back from telling the truth and maybe even push her over the edge. I don't know only time will tell. In the mean time I will not give up. I will keep hoping and praying for the daughters and my son and daughter.

Over the years Johns mother would say things that at the time would appear odd but in the end made sense. She would say things like my son does not belong in this kind of career or belong in uniform. She would also say that there is something wrong with him, he does not give the love he should to his daughters, I'm very worried for the girls. She would also say he is not a good man. I often wondered why a mother would say these things about her own son. He wasn't a juvenile delinquent, he went to college, he is intelligent, he didn't do drugs so whatever could she be trying to say. At times it was cryptic but yet I knew there was a hidden meaning to what she was trying to tell me. His mother is in her seventies and is a whole different generation. Women of her era just don't tell things, they just sit back and take it or cover it up. You can't let people know that their lives are not the leave it to beavers with the white picket fence. She may have hoped that if you ignore what her son had done it will go away. I don't know, but people deal with things differently. Let me just say by no means am I blaming her. I think the problems with her son are much deeper than people realized. He is a sick man. Before I had left I had the opportunity to have some very informational talks with her. When I had theses talks with her I was getting ready to leave and had already known what John was doing with his daughter. John was aware that I was going to have these talks with his mother, I let him know I was going over to her house and talk. There will be more on this later.

His mother asked me why does Emily want her daddy in her bed? What do you know? There is something not right here. I mean what do I know I'm just an old lady. I replied what do you mean Emily wants her daddy in bed with her. His mother replied "Emily whispered that in my ear". His mother was talking with Emily that night after we went out to dinner. Emily appeared to be very upset that evening. She was acting like a girlfriend to a boyfriend and giving John the cold shoulder and would pull away from him. You see I saw that she was trying to be alone with him in the back room and I wouldn't let that happen while I was there. Under normal circumstances I do not have a issue with a daughter being with her father but this was very different. It would appear there was a childish thing going on between them. She would come down stairs and say "Daad there's a bug in my room can you come up now and kill it" you see she was a creature of habit she would have to go to bed at specific times and when she was tired. She was messaging him to come up now or she will go to sleep. This time I went with him. She gestured to John and with her hand and mouthed what is she doing here and I was able to see the side of his face and he gestured to her and mouthed I don't know and then shook his head. We thought we killed the bug but she was sure that there was another bug. So we went downstairs and she called him again about a bug but I knew better. She again got upset that I came up with him. That was the last time she tried that that evening. So getting back to his mothers talks with me. So when she told me about Emily wanting him in the bed with her I just didn't know how to respond. All I could think of was asking Johns mother "don't you think she is a little too old for daddy being in the bed with his daughter?" She replied "oh no please say it isn't so, not again." While she was saying this she had the look of oh my god. Like she had been through this before. Then she just plopped herself down on cement retaining wall and started to cry. So I saw she was clearly upset and I had to pick up the kids and had to go. I told her I will come back to talk again. I told her don't worry. While I'm around this will not happen. I will be back tomorrow. I then left. I won't ever forget the talks I had with her. They were quite enlightening about John.

I went back the next day and talked with Johns mother. This time I started the conversation with telling her that I am concerned for his daughters. She then blurted out without hesitation "I think Emily should live with me". "John is not giving her the proper love a father should". Meanwhile she must of talked with Emily and asked her to move in with her. Emily announced to her father that she was thinking of moving in with her grandmother. This was around the same time I was talking with Johns mother. Johns mother had told me a lot of things about John and Carolyn. But first she told me about John not being a good person. He likes to cheat. Once a cheater always a cheater. That's not what gets me so much, its what she tells me next. Did you know honey that he failed numerous psychology tests for law enforcement jobs? I replied he did mention something about that but he grieved it and won. He was very pissed off at the doctors. Who are they to tell people whether or not they are good for law enforcement. Then she told me of an incident that had happened quite some time ago. When John was a teenager he was a lifeguard at his hometowns beach. He came across this 13 year old girl. I won't get too graphic here. But this got me to thinking of what John would tell me periodically about this 13 year old girl. He told me about her and that she was the town slut and came onto him. I asked him well did you cave in and do something you shouldn't have? He would hesitate and then said I knew better than to do anything. All I know is he was removed from his job of a lifeguard. Supposedly his father made him leave. Yeah ok, like I believe that now. When his mother was talking to me by the way she was shaking and smoking a lot. She told me more stories even about her father, Johns grandfather. He too had sex abuse issues. This too got me to thinking about what John would say about not remembering anything from his childhood so don't ask. So I didn't but sometimes he would slip and say something. So I replied I thought you don't remember anything from your childhood? His reply was some things I do. I remember sleeping with my grandfather and how bad he smelled all the time. I then was quiet for a few minutes and then she told me get your children away especially Jeanine from my son. He is not a good person. My granddaughters may alredy be effected by him but save yours.

There was more she said but too long to put here. She did mention that her and Johns father was helping him with the upstairs part of the house and everything was going good until one day supposedly for no reason Carolyn and John told them to not come back and do not help us with the house. I spoke with her one more time before I left John. I will get to that later. I went home to speak with John and told a few things that his mother had to say but not everything. He still doesn't know what I really talked to her about. He was under the impression it was mostly about Emily moving in with her. I told him about the psychological exams and failing them and the he said well you knew that I told you that but what else did she say? I then told him about the comments she said like he is not a good person, he is not giving the proper love to those girls, things about Carolyn, and other things but not the heavy duty stuff. So his response was an angry one and said "I can't wait til that bitch dies, the second I pull out of the parking lot of the funeral home with her ashes, I will empty the urn right outside the car window while I'm driving"!! She should die! She is such a bitch!! I then went on to another subject I could see how angry he was. So we were talking about other things but he would still ask me "are you sure she didn't say anything else?" I said not that I could think of and let it go.

Now I reflect on the conversations with Johns mother and remembered that at the beginning of my relationship with John, his younger brother and his girlfriend did not have nice things to say about John either. Joseph would tell me about his brother is not a nice person and his girlfriend would agree. Oh the irony at the beginning of my relationship and at the end of my relationship with this man. Josephs girlfriend worked at a local hospital where our dept. had a post and John worked there often. She told me the nurses had many complaints about him and went to their superiors to have him removed. He had sexual harassment complaints made by the nurses. He is a creepy guy. Joseph stood by her side when she told me these things. He agreed that his brother has problems. He doesn't know how to stay loyal to a person. He had cheated on Carolyn with some nurse from work. I believe he is talking about the nurse called Trish. Something big happened with this one, Carolyn made him go or so he claims and have a vasectomy. Joseph also told me about John giving her a lot of money. Then Joseph told me about the daughters. He said there is something wrong there and was also shaking when he spoke of his brother with his daughters just like his mother did when she was telling her stories. There is more as far as the family goes but this is the gist of it. I don't mean to confuse anyone but these two people definitely know something big about John. Also I know there are two psychologists who can maybe explain a few things about the older daughter. I know they are concerned. I have a lot more to tell but this is so draining. I went to speak with my psychologist yesterday and told him I am beginning to understand a little more about someone like John.

There was something else I forgot to type that his brother told me. Joseph also told me that his brother had relations with female inmates. My reply was "are you sure?" He was still visibly shaken and replied "yes" he said this with a little hesitation but you could see the pain in his face, this is his bigger brother, it must hurt. He then repeated "my brother is not good". I had left him then and spoke to John later and asked a few questions. John had an explanation for everything his brother said. At the end of his excuses he had to throw in "my brother should die!" "he will be sorry one day, I will have control of all the money when my father and mother dies!" "he won't get a cent!" He said other things that weren't nice but that's enough.