A mother with guilt

I wonder what the big sister thinks about her little sister taking over from where she left off. Does she know? Does she think this is normal? Does she think "well I had to do it its your turn"? Does she think there is no way out of this? Does she depend on her father so much that she can't do anything about it? Is she scared? Did her father offer money? Did he threaten her? Why did he go to every psych visit with her? Does she know what he would say about her even before we lived together? He didn't have many nice things to say about either daughter or his ex-wife. I would wonder why he stayed so long with them if he was so miserable. John would say what a crazy person Tully was and how stupid Emily was. There were other things. Things that you don't say about your kids or even things about the ex-wife. What does she know? These are some questions that cross my mind. Then there are the questions about the younger sister. What do they know? I don't think that they know the truth. They don't know that when I found out I tried with all my might to talk and reason with John. I would not tolerate his lifestyle nor expose my son and daughter to this. I told him that he needs to stop what he's doing and get help. He wouldn't. I told him what damage he has done to his daughters. They will never know what it is like to have a normal father daughter relationship. Ever! Nor will they ever have normal lives. He has done so much damage. You can't put a price on these things. No matter how many trips to the mall or how much money you give. I just hope they can get the help they need and tell the truth. I was contacted by CPS a few months ago. Apparently someone else notified them. I did not. I only answered questions when they called. They did not tell me who contacted them. But I think the daughters think I was the one. I only wish I had. Anyway that was their time and they chose not to say anything. Why? There's a lot I don't understand. Unanswered questions. Lots of lies. Very sad.

It is a beautiful morning. The sun is out. The birds are singing. It's a little cool but you definitely feel spring in the air. So I go onto the deck have a cup of coffee and feed the birds. While I'm doing this I am thinking of how stupid I was for the past 6 years. I am wondering when I would go outside to the patio what would occur upstairs in our bedroom. I know that one time me and my son were sitting on the patio and we saw John in Emily's bedroom window. Emily was sitting on her bed and he was facing her. They were right at the window. We noticed he was looking to the ceiling with a strange look on his face and was jumpy. He then motioned to Emily with his hand to go to the corner closet area. At that point we could no longer see them. My son stated to me "hey mom I don't have a good feeling about this". So I told him to wait here on the patio. I went inside and heard the voice of John. He sounded winded and was talking at the same time yelling "Oh yes daddy loves you so much!!" Then he grunted and yelled "oh yes oh yes". Then he grunted a little more and he grunted a little more and said "ah!". In the mean time I was in my bedroom closet getting the camera out before he went in there. I would have to put a camera in my bedroom when the daughters were left alone, of course with Johns permission. He knew I had the camera in the bedroom because when they were over there my things were disturbed or missing. He told me it was Tully. Anyway I didn't believe that so I wanted to put a camera in our bedroom to see who the culprit was. All that aside while I was getting the camera I could hear clearly everything going on in Emily's bedroom. Our bedrooms are upstairs and share the attic space where the closets are. You could hear everything. I then heard my son call for me so I went down to see him. But the camera did record everything they said and was doing. I was shaking and crying to my son I didn't know how to react to what was going on. they came down stairs and both were very giddy and childish like. It was very strange. Odd to around them. Very uncomfortable. these are things I still think of. It was sad to see a young girl like this with her father. Maybe she enjoyed being this way who knows. But it is obvious John manipulated her to think this way. Some times though I wonder how much the mother and the older sister knew. I think more than they care to talk about.

I would like to explain why I haven't done anything else. John will portray me as a vindictive ex-girlfriend. This is not true. I just wanted to get them help all of them. What doesn't help is Emily and Tully will not talk. The DA will not take the case. So evil wins and continues on with what they are doing. Even more so now that I am not there. It seems like society kind of accepts this behavior and it's ok to do this. I hope the daughters can see their way through this and get help. Maybe some day they can realize they have the power to stop him. They need to know it is not only them. There are others out there that he has victimized. I also believe there are other things he has done and is capable of.

Well it was another sleepless night. I went to a retirement party last night and John was there. He should not have been there he does not deserve to wear the uniform. He stayed the entire evening and even had the arrogance to sit at my table. What the hell is wrong with him. What was he trying to do. I was very upset. My friends were aware of the situation. They were great. I had a few moments where I would have outbursts. I kept apologizing. I wonder what he thought. Why would he have stayed? I have to go now. I can't wait to speak to my psychologist. I am still shaking.

I'm sorry I may sound harsh, but I am unable to empathize with you. It seems like you have given up hope on apprehending John, that disgusts me more than anything. When that "someday" that they'll finally apprehend him comes - IF it even comes - it'll be too late for countless of victims, including his daughters whether they know it now or not. You are the only one who knows first-hand what is going on and want to help, yet you have given up on helping and have resigned those girls to their fates. I'm sorry. As someone who was abused, I can't even...

sparklybutterfly wrote:It seems like society kind of accepts this behavior and it's ok to do this.

What has the world degenerated into if it condones such behavior? Matter of fact is that society DOES NOT accept this behavior. I don't know where you come from, but even though it's true that the evidence is illegal, something has to be done. People know it, but don't act on it. Why? Does common sense not prevail? Let me just tell you something: The internet is a scary place. It has far reaching impacts beyond your own screen. It could literally change a person's life at the other end of the world. There's no such thing as "no way out".

I'm sorry I got worked up. You should really put a trigger warning.

It's not like I don't understand that feeling of helplessness as you watch people you care about fall prey to him. It's difficult to help someone who doesn't want to be helped, yes. But at the same time those girls know nothing about a proper father-daughter relationship. They've been conditioned so thoroughly that to them, their father raping them is equivalent to their father loving them. So they refuse to say anything to incriminate their father because to them, it's an expression of love. Something they reciprocate by protecting their father. Do they know what they're doing is bad? Knowing that would probably be the first step to acknowledging that they were abuse victims, but see, most don't want to acknowledge it. Who would want to acknowledge that the father they grew up loving is actually a bad person who took advantage of their innocence and naivety? They will lie, bend the truth and deny as long as they can, to hold on to their false dream that their father loves them and is a good person. But ultimately that bubble will burst and where will that land them? Only in a mental hospital. What's done is done, but the future is always unpredictable. It's easy to give up, but then what would happen of the girls? Chances is their future will be heavily impacted by this in ways I shudder to think about.

As someone who's very aware of what's happening, I'd say you're the primary person who could make things right. Despite my anger-filled rant earlier, I still believe that there's no such thing as a dead end. And as I've said before, the internet is a dangerous weapon in the hands of the right people.

Thank you Moonie for replying. Be it an angry tirade or not. I am sorry if I got you upset or anyone else. That is not my intentions. I am new to this. I did not know about triggers. Again I am very sorry. I see that you are 19 and had bad experiences. That I am sorry for and I hope all goes well for you. You are the same age as Tully the older sister. I especially appreciate that someone of your age and circumstances responded. I am not the physical victim here but I am the victim of a sociopaths psychological games. I had to and still have to be very careful in the way I deal with him. I have to worry about my son and daughter as well. According to my psychologist he is not done with me. I learned of his dirty secrets not just about the daughters but other things as well. I did like what you said about the internet being dangerous in the right hands. If you could elaborate on this I would appreciate it. I am looking for anything at this point because I am depressed, I feel hopeless and helpless. This has been very frustrating in ways people have responded to this. I will say this Moonie you have put a fire in me again and I thank you. It took courage for me to even write about this situation on here. I have been a mess for a few months. I can't get the visions of what I have seen out of my mind. I don't think I ever will. These visions I saw with my own eyes and on the cameras and the sounds form the audio recordings are so vivid its like it happened yesterday not a few months ago. If anyone has an idea please let me know.

When I wake up in the morning lately I have been having a feeling of fear and dread. I wake up jumping out of bed and I'm shaking. My heart is racing and I feel like something bad is going to happen. I try to calm myself and then go have a cup of coffee and try to remember why I act this way. I am slowly remembering things that happened in the past and I am trying to make sense of what I saw and know. I think a lot about Emily and Tully and what they have endured and still are. I am very tired and hope that justice will be served. I am remembering things Tully would do and say even earlier on when I moved in with John. She would talk about being on line with some girl who was being sexually abused by her father and would approach both me and John about it and would want our opinions. She would talk about rape and incest a lot. One night she was constantly spitting into her garbage can in her bedroom. I mean constantly there was spit everywhere. She wouldn't bath when she was over for the weekend or even when she was there for a weeklong visit. She would tippy toe around the house and go to the cupboard and take a snack and put it up her sleeve and go right back up to her room. She would not sleep at all she would be on her computer all night and day. She would have outbursts of anger. I now look back and realize these were signs of something going on. John would not respond to me about this. I would mention these things and it was like he didn't care. Now I know better. It may have took me a while but I figured it out. I am so mad at myself that I did not realize what was going on with her. Well John finally made her an appointment to speak with someone. He brought along Tully's Mother and apparently she did not want her to go either. Well long story short the psychologist started to probe and realized she is a victim of incest but apparently Tully said something to her parents and the visits stopped immediately. The Mother called and cancelled all the appointments and never saw the psychologist again.

I really do want to thank you Moonie. I have an appt. on Monday with someone who is familiar with incest and sex abuse. They want me to try to contact the older daughter and she if she is willing to participate. I can't really say too much. Hopefully this will be a good thing. Also Moonie thanks for the internet idea. My friend will hook me up with some internet site/blog. I will let you know more later. Its been really hard and very frustrating. He has been doing other things as well. I guess my psychologist was right when he said this will not be the last time you hear from him. He is not done with you. But that's ok I'm getting stronger now and getting my head straight and hopefully positive things can come of this. Especially for the daughters. I only wish the best for them. He can't hurt me and my kids anymore. They know the truth. One day a lot of people will know the truth. I still have info on my zip drives. As well as facetime 4 1/2 hours of it with the younger daughter during his shift. He was on duty while a lot of things were going on and I am sure that things are still going on during his shift. Anyway if anyone out there has any suggestions please let it be known. He can't get away with this. I opened to other things as well.

Well this week has been a strange one and does have me concerned and worried. I went to my appointment with the psychologist and he thanked me. I was puzzled and said your welcome and then I said why are you thanking me. He told me that he had a busy week working with police officers training them. He is a psychologist and also an FBI profiler. He has many accomplishments. He told me the police officers were given the task to train in a role play situation. The situation was based on my case. The police were very upset that this was based on a real case. No names were given or where the case is everything was confidential. Their immediate reactions were they wanted to do harm to this officer who has done such bad things. They then realized that my situation being an officer and mother and a woman must have been very difficult. He said they learned a lot from this. I really don't know how to feel about this. I see him again tomorrow and have a lot to talk about. There was more this past week that was strange and has to do with John, Emily, Tully and my son and daughter. I will write about it later because I am still trying to process what has happened.