A mother with guilt

Thank you lateralus. I will look into the information you gave me. Let me say this though John and I are both in law enforcement. It is not going to be easy. The department already knows of other things he has done and nothing ever happens. This is part of why I am so upset. Its almost impossible to get anything done the right way. First of all he is very intelligent and has been doing this for quite some time and is experienced at making excuses, alibis, sneaking around, lying and deflecting. A lot of the things he has done has been while he is on duty. He disappears a lot and he uses the job that he does as an excuse. All I can say is this will not be easy at all. I think this is why it is eating at me about the situation for the daughters. If its hard for me it sure as hell is hard for them. Plus I also have my daughter and son to worry about. He has tried to contact my daughter in several ways. She has not responded at all. Thank God! He had an obsession thing going on with her. I had used cameras for a little while and discovered he was masterbating to pictures of her on line. Facebook and such. I know he will do anything to not get caught. I do mean anything. I'm glad in the decision I made to leave and we got out of there safely thanks to the Southhampton Police Dept. I've always wanted to tell them that by the way. Thanks again lateralus.

no problem. I see that it is extremely difficult seeing as this person is also in the police. maybe another option is trying to talk to people who are higher up or separate, like I found this article, (ignore the pop-ups), its regarding corruption but it seems applicable to problems like this, http://www.ehow.com/how_6936062_do-repo ... ment_.html It suggests talking to the local police review commission, a local/federal prosecutor or the state/national attorney general. This is very serious if you suspect abuse is still going on and someone must be able to help or listen to you about the situation. This other article I found is more orientated around reporting police misconduct but parts seem relevant like writing everything down, http://www.flexyourrights.org/faqs/how- ... isconduct/ I think the more you can document and write down about everything the better. it must be extremely stressful and hard going through this, but I hope you can find the help that you need.

Thanks lateralus. I appreciate the articles. I will take a look at them. As a matter of fact my Dept. is currently having issues with the Feds. I'm also thinking maybe the state. The state also oversees our Dept. I finally showed my son this site and what I'm writing. After he read what I wrote he smile and stated "hey mom you don't have to worry about me. I won't let what John did get to me. I won't forget it though." he paused still with a grin and then said "you didn't forget a thing huh? I remember what happened with John and Emily in the kitchen and the dining room too. Well anyway Ma you don't have to worry about me." I replied "thanks baby but I will always worry that's what a mother does. Sorry." He gave me another grin and then proceeded to play his video game. Gotta love him. I'm sure he will ask me a few questions later. But anyway thanks again and if you think of anything else great! I am feeling stronger now. I was an emotional wreck. I'm in law enforcement and it happened in my own backyard. Thanks again. If anyone else has any ideas or knows of other avenues please let me know.

no problem, I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better and stronger now. you clearly really care and I hope that you can get the help you need and deserve.

Thank you lateralus. I feel stronger. I wish I had never seen what he is doing with his daughters. I can not get the visions of out of my head. I wake up seeing it and then sometimes throughout the day. I just want to forget. If they are doing it with him willingly then why can't I let it go. My daughter keeps telling me you can't help who doesn't want to be helped. I feel they don't know any better. This is what he manipulated them to do. It is simply wrong. How will they feel one day when they realize what they have been doing with their father. How will they ever have normal caring or loving relationships with anyone. The older daughter Tully has already been diagnosed with many conditions, syndromes and mental issues. At least she is getting some help but the last time she went to someone supposedly she did not tell any truths. Therapy can't help if you won't let it.

I can't imagine how it must feel. this must be such a difficult and traumatic thing to go through for you too, therapy could be worth considering for yourself too, it could be very helpful for you in managing all of these feelings. Its a huge thing to bear on your own without much help. a professional could also maybe help give advice about the situation with the daughters. it doesn't matter if they are doing it willingly or not if it is abusive, (I don't know their ages either), but in any case its illegal if they are above the age of consent or not. I think anyone wouldn't be able to just let something like this go. I agree though you have to want to let therapy help.

I agree is is abusive no matter what. Emily is 15 now but when I found out she was 14. Tully is 19 now but from what I'm getting from her writings (she writes a lot on tumblr) it appears to have begun at the age of 9. The actual act. Before they started to have sex with their father they would sleep on the floor or stay in the closet. Tippy toe throughout the upstairs and the house. Almost like a practice. This kind of thing started very young for both. He would have sex with the older daughter while the other was in her bed. The big thing John was teaching them was to be quiet. Very quiet. Even during the sex. Ugh ! anyway this too is upsetting me right now . I will take a break from it if I can. These are one of those moments when I don't feel strong. I feel so stupid. I couldn't get a damn thing done or make it better. I feel so bad for those girls.

I am hoping that someday fate will bring Tully to this site and forums. I truly hope that she and her sister get out of their situation. Regardless if they like it now or not. It is wrong what John has done to these girls. I won't ever stop thinking of them. Whether they liked me, Jeanine or Sean or not liked us. I now understand why Tully felt like a "doormat". The other daughter would feel like her father ignores her. I guess he doesn't anymore. This is the daughter that I fear one day when the truth comes out, if it ever will, It may hit her hard and she may do something damaging to herself. Be it her lifestyle or suicide who knows. That's my biggest fear the damage that has been done. I know we talk about healing and getting through it and moving on. Do we ever really? I don't know but I can speak for myself and on the outside I may appear to smile and be moving on but the visions of what I saw with my own eyes and what I do know will never leave me. I wish it could and I wish John did not bring us into their lives if this is how he has been living. What did he think? What does the mother of the daughters think? All who does know or even suspected, it turns out more people suspected than I thought. People came up to me not knowing why we broke up and had a few things to tell me. I do have some questions about this. If people suspected or knew of strange, odd and actual events that went on at work and off duty then why didn't they tell me before I went with this man or whatever you want to call him. Anyway apparently people did suspect incest and other things. One thing I have not mentioned because it is embarrassing but should be mentioned thanks to my daughter the nurse (very proud of her by the way) is we all should be tested for STD's. Myself included. I have to get ready for work now but I will continue this later.

Well this was one of those mornings I woke up thinking of what I saw with my own eyes. This time its when I was hidden and they thought I had left for work. John sat down in front of the computer still waking up and Emily is standing in the kitchen twirling her hair trying to talk about school stuff. He is staring at the computer screen and begins to rub his groin area and while doing that he states in a whiny voice "Emily daddy needs a little" Emily stops twirling her hair and just stands there. He then states again in a whiny voice "Emily daddy needs a little". She still just stands there. He then gets up and walks towards the bathroom and then turns around and in a firmer voice this time states "Em" while pointing his finger at Emily and then motioning her to go in the bathroom with him. She then unzippers her pants, pulls them down and then he proceeds to put his penis in her ass but Emily then says in a kiddy voice " Daaad put it lower". He then chuckles and says "sorry" and then he puts it lower and within five minutes he is grunting. She then pulls her pants up and they proceed to the car to take her to school. Only this time no talking they just go and act like nothing is going on. This is some of the visions I can't get out of my head. I feel guilty that I did not do anything. This is a guilt you can't get over. I am very mad that I messed this up and didn't show the other videos I had to the police but they are very graphic and will embarrass Emily to the point of no return possibly. They are very very graphic. I keep hoping fate will jump in at some point but for now I can only hope and pray justice and the daughters will prevail.

Last night I woke up shaking and sweating. I've been very busy but I guess no matter what I do I can't forget. Even as I try to sleep not thinking about what had happened. The guilt is overwhelming. I woke up seeing John in the corner of Emily's bedroom by the window. He was standing there staring up towards the ceiling with a smile on his face while his daughter was performing oral sex. I had told John please do not close Emily's bedroom door when you go in there. It does not look right to other people. Well one time he did not close the door he went in and pretended to be talking about redoing her room. While they were talking I was in the other bedroom across the hallway. I was hanging his suits up. The one thing I did notice was that they were talking loud and Emily was appearing to be looking for things to say and she appeared to have marbles in her mouth at times. I went across the hallway to ask John about one of his suits and there they were in the corner of her bedroom. Doing the unthinkable. I saw them and I did nothing. I froze. I then asked John does these pants match the jacket. I didn't know what to say. Emily jumped up from the floor and then wiped her mouth and then just started to talk about the room. Not realizing what I had seen. John turned around only moving his upper half of his body not realizing the angle he was at I was able to still see what they were doing. So I then turned around and went to the other bedroom and hung up his suit and then John followed me in there and started to hug me. He then noticed that I was shaking uncontrollably. I told him my sugar must be low and I haven't eaten anything. He then told that me I had to take better care of myself. Meanwhile all I can think of was trying to get him to stop what he is doing. At the same time I had to think of my safety and my kids. I won't ever forget what happened. I saw what I saw and that can't be forgotten. Oh the guilt!!!