My girlfriend's dad took her virginity

Shattered thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.
I understand how hard it is to break family bonds regardless of a horrific act like this. My girlfriend even still loves her dad, however I'm trying to get her to see him for the snake he is, and it's starting to take. I think she's at a good point right now. She isn't brooding over the past or feeling sorry for herself and she feels ok around her step dad but realizes he blew his shot and isn't letting him have authority over her. That's very sad you were too young to even know who did it. That can make trying to confront quite the mess, but on the other hand, you indicated it has been a long time since these events so whoever did it hopefully realized their fault and stopped. I really do understand how my girlfriend could still love her dad though, I said earlier she try's to find the good in people plus he's been her provider and protector since before she can remember. But she also understands why I hate him(ive quoted some things others have posted on here to her and they had an impact, like the whole actions and words lining up thing someone said). Apparently he's been trying pretty hard to convince her I'm no good(before he knew that I knew his secret he always told her he liked me and thought I was good for her) obviously she's not buyin it.
Shattered I hope you are at peace with your situation. And if you aren't maybe considering confronting your family would be a viable option. No girl should have to deal with that kind of pain, especially on her own, and I've never been so mad as when I heard my that my girlfriend has been through that. Shattered I care about your situation and you'll be in my prayers. I hope you can think of something to do to help put your mind at ease. My girlfriend finally acted after years of not telling anyone at all and her only regret is that she didnt act sooner. If anyone else would to add some input or share or give advice, whatever, then please do so as it is still much appreciated. Thanks again

I'm not at peace with what's happened, don't think I'll get it. My brain's split into two different ways, or people I guess you could say. I do know who did it, it's just I can't remember yet. (I don't think they realized their fault, I think I just got too old) Thing is with me. I don't think my family would believe me. My mom doesn't want to believe anything happened to me. I wouldn't tell them anyways, can't. I know everyone that I have told, they're like you. They're mad about it and stuff. I can't get mad about it. I don't want other people to get mad about it either. My other half, has alot to do with it.
But I hope that your girlfriend can find peace and get through it. It doesn't sound like it's too late for her. I'm glad she has someone like you who's helping her. That's the best thing. I know it was for me, still is. So you're doing the best thing you can.
Tell her to keep fighting and never give up. Because she has a chance. You're doing the right things.

Shattered,
I know you didn't ask for my advice, but this is the Internet and my post. So here comes. Simply because i give a rats ass. You sound like you feel it's too late for you, yet I also get the impression you're in highschool(because you talked bout your counselor). Honestly that doesn't make any sense to me at all. I also don't understand what knowing who did it but not remembering yet means at all. This is too serious a matter to potentially blame someone for doing such a horrendous thing if you're unsure they did. My girlfriend suffered that kind of abuse and anguish for at least seven years. But she was vague with me and in tears. She avoided details and I didn't ask many. I'm sure she has some truely horrible memories, but she's persistent on not living in the past, and looking forward for the future. What's worse is that her dad led her to believe she was just as much at fault as him. If she can manage to recover from that situation then so can you. You just have to be willing to help yourself. Also there's no way someone in your family could do it without realizing the fault. One of the main points I kept stressing with my girlfriend was none of this was in any way her fault. Kids are young and easily manipulated. She neither caused any of the pain she went through, nor is she guilty for the result after telling her mother. I care deeply about my girlfriend and all the advice I gave her was out of love. After telling me and talking about it some, I made sure she knew i wouldn't be comfortable until she went to her mom and that it was something she had to do. She was shaking and crying, and obviously telling me this because she wanted to help herself, and not just get attention or something stupid... Honestly she really impressed me throughout the whole ordeal. I probably wouldve just sat around feeling sorry for myself... I saw her strength and courage and Both of us are happier now that the issues been dealt with. I hope you decide to act on your situation.
Obviously i dont understand what its like. I never will. But that doesnt mean i dont understand the problem and the solution. I honestly cant believe its been less than a week since my girlfriend first decided to tell someone what happened.
Best of luck

Oh sorry shattered. I didn't remember my last comment about him realizing his fault so I mistook your meaning. All I can say is that it's easy to have a mistaken view on what love is when the person who taught you neither loved nor cared about you.

the dude abides wrote:Her and her step dad seemed very close, and he was always overly protective of her, bordering on smothering. I can understand being protective and I get that strict parents generally lead to raising better kids, but he was over the top and I could definitely tell.

Ugh...I don't know what it is...
but my niece and i were molested by her father around the ages 13-14. And a whole ordeal happened where it was let out, but it has been buried for years now. (I'm now 20)
And i was around her growing up after that, and it DISGUSTED me that he would still play his fatherly/protective role. ESPECIALLY if it had to do anything with her daughter talking to boys. Just, disgusting

the dude abides wrote:could it be more recent?

From my experience only, the molestation only lasted a short period of time. The physical part has stopped, but since then he has always made sexual passes at me. Just last year her father made a serious pass at me because he seen me through the blinds on his back porch in my underwear. He texted me very inappropriate things. i didn't tell anyone, expect for my now fiance who i met after everything.

the dude abides wrote:I have been around her dad quite a bit and had several conversations together, even sharing several beers together. I was close to paying him a visit but took my anger out on my wall.

Now here is where my question comes in...what are you going to do? Because i've often wondered what my fiance is going to do if my bro-n-law ever acts even the slightest bit rude to me. I'm sure she told you to never bring it up to anyone...can you handle seeing them act normal together anymore?

the dude abides wrote:Her mom went from saying she didn't believe her

I will never understand why my sister could let this go. Never.

the dude abides wrote:Her dad also threatened her by saying he would take her car/phone etc.

Now that would be best...for some reason these fathers are controlling, and this is now his form of control.

As for my advice...
I'd say, just be her rock and protector. Lend her your shoulder to cry on, your ear to vent to, and get her out of there. There's a little part of me that would love to see my finance confront my bro-n-law, but, it would be horrid. I haven't even yet decided what's best. But i am not living there now! So i can let go...for how long? I don't know...i may want to confront him MYSELF before he dies one day. I hate the 'man'.
Good luck, and thanks for the insight, i can try to empathise with my fiance a bit more now.

I appreciate the comment eternal. As for what I'm going to do... Pretty much nothing. I want nothing more than to kill that sick bastard for what he's done. I still despise him as much as before and I know I couldn't handle being around him. My girlfriend has moved on pretty well. He's still in the house because of financial support but everything is out in the open and he no longer has any control. although he keeps making efforts for it, like going through her texts(a common practice from before but now he's not allowed) or trying to convince her mom she's spending too much time with me. He also likes to try and convince my girlfriend that I'm no good for her and that ill leave her(although when I was his only weed connection-they moved from Cali to OK- he was pretty fond of me). Basically he's a slimy bag of #%*+ that's finally been caught and now he's desperately trying to get me out of the picture because he know the impact I've had on the situation and knows that as long as I'm around ill keep trying to separate him from her.
Now for my advice I really think it would help if you confronted him. After my girlfriend told me I was almost too angry and worried to function. I'd imagine the situation has your fiancé pretty distraught himself. I didn't feel remotely comfortable until a day or two later when she finally confronted her dad and I know it's helped her move on a lot too. I wouldn't let your fiancé do the confronting because if it were me I'd confront his brains right out the back of his skull with my 9mm, but having him there for support wouldn't hurt if you're comfortable with that. I hope you confront him and I hope the harrasemt stops.
Best of luck

Figured I should follow up on this. No ones gunna read this but screw it I could care less. Long story short we were two months from moving in and one month from our anniversary. Everything is normal and we are both happy. One day she calls me and tells me it's over over the phone. She called me back saying she doesn't wanna be rash, but I never got the chance to do anything, it was over from then. It's because she felt bad for being with me because I know about her step dad. She said if she finds someone new she'll tell them she's damaged, not from whom. She said me knowing would just cause tension if we kept going, and she needs her dad in her life for finances and college. She said she still loves me... I should've broken it off in July when she first told me. I didn't have it in me to do that to someone though. Lesson learned.

I'm sorry that she made that choice. I know this whole thing has been difficult for you, and this is just one more element of that. It sounds like she couldn't see a future with both you and her stepdad in it. So she chose family over relationship, which at her age might seem like the safest choice.

Just to give you a different perspective, around her age, I choose to stay with an abusive parent rather than leave with the good one. That caused a lot of confusion and frustration in my extended family. In the end, though, I realized I was only hurting myself and eventually I left too. I guess my point is that I couldn't see that at the time. Too young/clueless/naive/idealistic/adjective of your choice.

It's possible her choice may not be permanent either. Maybe you wouldn't want to pursue the relationship further or again, and if so that's certainly fine. No one would blame you. But you might try to visualize the situation over a longer time frame, especially considering her age.

I'm sorry to hear your GF broke off your relationship. You were doing a lot of things right, but did one thing really wrong.

Your girlfriend was doing something that from a female point of view, was telling you she was feeling very close to you - she was sharing a secret with you. According to Deborah Tannen, in her excellent book, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (Ballantine, 1990, this is how females bond. She didn't intend for you to do something, which is the very normal male thing to do.

Your instant and intense anger was a reaction in excess of what she expected and she pulled back and played down some things. Your anger, was not abnormal but it did tell her some things about your relationship: (1) There are some secrets you cannot handle knowing, so she cannot be fully open to you. (2) You went into a "fix it" mode, when that was not what she wanted by sharing her secret with you. You would have been far better off just listening and empathizing with her situation. (3) She had to deal with your anger, instead of exploring her own feelings. Maybe you were taking on the outrage you felt she should feel, but whatever the reason, your emotions took central stage and your inability to be in her father's presence meant you could not integrate into her family. If she were to feel closer to you, she needed to separate herself from her family, and vice versa.

Without realizing what you were doing you set up a situation where she needed to chose between you and her family. A situation where your odds of losing were high.

I don't know her family's dynamics but I get the feeling the parties did not clash with each other often, nor did violence play a part. Your whole message to her was one of anger bordering on violence. She could not envision a future for you in the mix.

If you'd like to have more successful relationships, read the book I referenced above and in doing so, learn to listen more and act out or try to "fix" problems less. Some of the qualities you admired most about her came from how she was raised by both parents.

the dude abides wrote:Figured I should follow up on this. No ones gunna read this but screw it I could care less. Long story short we were two months from moving in and one month from our anniversary. Everything is normal and we are both happy. One day she calls me and tells me it's over over the phone. She called me back saying she doesn't wanna be rash, but I never got the chance to do anything, it was over from then. It's because she felt bad for being with me because I know about her step dad. She said if she finds someone new she'll tell them she's damaged, not from whom. She said me knowing would just cause tension if we kept going, and she needs her dad in her life for finances and college. She said she still loves me... I should've broken it off in July when she first told me. I didn't have it in me to do that to someone though. Lesson learned.

You did what came natural. I was having schoolyard crushes on boys and girls in school and the school called my mom because it bothered them that I wasn't just having crushes on one and I was pretty much outed from that. I also have bipolar disorder and I was forced to go down on my neighbor and he was a family friend and convinced people I was lying. It was reported and when they said he was going to get off of the charges he was taunting me in his yard and I took a bic lighter and aqua net hair spray to his face and ended up in a nut ward. He was scared to leave his house when I got home. I found out later he raped his daughter and a retarded woman.

I hope the bisexual thing isn't too awkward but I fall for men sometimes and because of that happening to me I never trust men when I am in those relationships. It is something that cuts deep. I also never trust women will ever believe me because my mom let him get away with that but the mistrust is different. I can say it doesn't haunt you forever so she has hope but what you did was natural as a male. My brother and dad are scumbags because they laughed at me over it and said he only made me do that because I was a "#######1", which isn't quite true. He's still alive and I tried to even be friends with the daughter he victimized but I am so angry that he is out when she could lock him up it makes me sick. I am a pretty strong guy and "good looking" per say for 34. I have had some panicked reactions when teenagers hit on me because I have sleeve tattoos and the "look" because it makes me think they are being abused and I could be reacting but that is natural. I have to say, I have had manic psychotic fantasies of being a modern day Hitler and rounding up pedophiles before. I can relate, it is a guy She will get to a place of managing herself. Sexual abuse teaches people to be used to being objects so it was out of habit and I hope all is well with you if you read this.