I will never fit in :(

I feel so sad, bad, hurt, whatever, I just don't know what to do and I know I am/was an idiot. I just can't figure out all the rules for the social thing no matter how hard I try and I am so tired of trying.

I was a volunteer youth leader for church girls' camp for 4 days. I can't sing, can't tell jokes, don't have fun new campfire chants or games to share. But I always worked as hard as I could with the kitchen duties, did everything anyone could ever want and more, and I was also assigned as the camp photographer.

That's the one thing that I CAN do. I was a photographer years ago, so I know how to take great pictures. I tried really hard to get great action shots, good angles and lighting and thought I was doing great. It was the one thing I felt happy that I could do, because no matter how hard I worked, I still really didn't quite fit in with the other leaders who told funny stories as we worked, etc. I just can't tell stories that are funny, etc., but I tried to make up for it by working harder than anyone.

Anyway...I accidentally overheard several of the (youth) girls talking today, before the end of camp, and they said that I was so "annoying", "always walking around taking pictures." I cannot describe how much that hurt me. It was the one thing I thought I was doing right. The only thing, really! Besides scrubbing pots!

And I know that it was probably true, only I had not thought of it that way. I had thought I was doing a good job and contributing, and now I know that probably that is exactly what everyone else was thinking and just didn't say it (or I didn't hear it.) But it's true, now that I think of it, I probably was annoying. But I didn't mean to be. I meant to be helpful and be worth something to people.

My whole life is like this. No matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right. I feel so tired and hurt right now that I just don't even see the point of constantly trying to fit in this life, because I never will, no matter how hard I try. And I really, really tried hard to be as fun and socially pleasant as I could. I just don't know if it is worth all the struggle anymore. I will never be good enough.

You let others bring you down too much. You seek approval, and you seem to have an unhealthy preoccupation with fitting in.

To a degree, you have the ability to focus on what you are doing and know how capable you are. On the other hand, you have a list of all the things you cannot do. Throw that list away. And when others criticize, you question the very nature of your actions and accomplishments.

Nobody can appease most of the people the majority of the time. Learn to pat yourself on the back, even if there isn't someone else to join in. Do things in spite of what other people say. Continue taking the photos. Will that be uncomfortable? Probably. This isn't about other people, their comments, their praise, their criticism. This is about YOU living YOUR life.

Thank you Black Dove. I appreciate your advice. I think you are right, that I do have a preoccupation with fitting in, but that's because I never have fit in. My childhood wasn't like everyone else's, and while everyone else was doing social things as children and youth, learning the rules of getting along, that just wasn't a reality for me, although I wish every day that it was. (I would never wish my childhood on anyone.) No matter how hard I try now, I just can't seem to get along socially without constantly making mistakes, whereas it seems so easy for everyone else.

Oh, and I didn't mean I was a "youth", but an adult who was a leader of youth. And regarding taking the photos, it was probably appreciated up to a point. But I realize now that I got annoying by doing it TOO MUCH and TOO OFTEN, which is what annoyed people. And yet, I meant it well, and was really trying to do a good job. But that's what I mean...no matter how hard I try, I can't see where the pitfalls are and how to navigate these situations.

But ANYBODY ELSE would have realized that taking too many photos would get annoying. So why didn't I see that before?

It seems to me that EVERYBODY ELSE seems to get along just fine, and all be really good friends despite any differences in education, looks, weight, money, whatever. But me, who is average in looks, weight, etc. somehow can't fit in and end up being a loner no matter how hard I try. It is totally the social thing, but I am so discouraged because I try and try so hard, and can never do it, while everyone else doesn't even try and they somehow know the rules without any effort.

People say that adult life is not like high school, and that you never need to worry about fitting in after that. But that isn't true. There are lots of situations like work and church etc. where you need to fit in with the people who are there. And it doesn't matter where I go or what I do, I just never fit in. There's no point patting myself on the back for anything, because very little of what I do is ever right.

I am sorry to be sounding so discouraged. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this. I really thought somehow that things would be different this time, if I really tried and worked as hard as I could. I even memorized some jokes to share, which basically fell flat because I don't know how to tell jokes, and when I was done with the jokes, there was nothing left to share. I am feeling so sad because I realize now that it doesn't matter what I do, things will never change.

Yes. You are not only preoccupied with criticism, you are preoccupied with OTHER people, what THEY are doing, how THEY act. Are comparisons getting you anywhere? Have they gotten you anywhere up to this point? "So and so tells the better jokes," "They would have known not to take so many photos," "He is talkative; I'm not." Have you thrown the list of things you "can't" do away yet? The comparisons list needs a place in the trash as well.

Trying to make friends, to be social is one thing. Trying hard to the point where you want to impress people for the sake of impressing them is where things can go awry. As cliche as this sounds, you have to be yourself. That doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement, but if you are sacrificing your personal authenticity to be part of the crowd, in turn you may gain friends and popularity, but it will harm you internally. You will benefit from being authentic, and the worthwhile people will accept you for that.

You need to cease with the comparisons, cease with allowing criticism to affect you to the point where you shut down.

And yes, patting yourself on the back is called for. You volunteered at a summer camp. You were a hard worker. You are a gifted photographer. If comparisons are to be made, make them based on what you have that others may not: Many people on this forum would not be able to volunteer at a camp, and put themselves out there enough to take photographs.

At the very least, keep putting yourself out there and expose yourself to enjoyable things.

Thank you for your kind reply. Just for clarification, I don't mean that I want to go back decades of life and be popular like people are in high school. I am not trying to impress people...I am just trying to make a contribution to conversations, etc. so that I am not invisible. Because I really am invisible, since I am afraid to say things, since what I say is always wrong if I do say anything. I just want to get along well and be liked among the other people. I WANT to be me, and to be liked for me, but being me isn't good enough. I proved that by using my best skill (photography) and I still couldn't do it right. It still wasn't good enough. I guess I just am afraid that if I haven't become good enough by now, through my very best efforts, I will never, ever be good enough. I mean, I gave this my very best effort and my hardest work and most determined effort to fit in and always be pleasant so that I would finally have friends and belong, and it still didn't work.

I wish I could learn not to care so much. I don't think other people worry about stuff so much, and they are confident. I try to make lists of my strong qualities, but it doesn't help because they don't show well around other people. (For example, I am helpful, but after accepting my help, people then don't become my friend...they receive my help and then go back to their old friends.) And their old friends are still their friends even though they are not as helpful as me. (Just as an example, although it is a true example.)

You will never fit in, because there is nothing to fit in to. All you are doing, is failing to go along with the social norms, because no one really knows what they are anyway. And guess what, so is everyone else failing at this. Becuase the social norms are a false reality. So, forget it. Let go of social expectations, and social norms, because these vary anyway, depending on peoples culture, beliefs and values. Free yourself from these social ideals and create your own ideals for yourself.

The only thing you need to do, is be true to who you are, and live according to your own norms, the ones that YOU create yourself.

You are a photographer, (that's awesome btw), so if someone looks down on you, well, how come THEY aren't photographers!! These people are judging you, and you are taking their judgements to heart. People who judge, must live miserable lives, because they judge others because they are percieved to be judged themselves. Free yourself from judgement, and that means not judging yourself or others. If other people want to judge you, think of how narrow minded and close minded they must be. But, oh well, it's their problem, just be grateful and happy that YOU are not judgemental like them. It's a gift to not be judgemental, but be open minded and free minded. These who judged you, I guarentee go around bitching about races, gays, peoples religions that don't agree with their own, what people are wearing, peoples hair, peoples professions, ect ect. They are enslaved to the expectations of society, and social norms. They are bound by the shackles of society.

You are different, and don't fit into that!!! That's something to be proud of! Who would want to subscribe to life as being a sheep and a pupet of society!! To be enslaved.

Create your own rules, your own world, your own reality, and those who appreciate you and admire you will be your friends and want to know you. The rest who don't, well, do you really want to know them anyways

You might benifit from some of the things that are discussed in this thread: http://www.psychforums.com/schizoid-personality/topic69623.html

Thanks, Ghost. I like what you wrote and I try to remember it every day. I'd like to be able to live life on my own terms. (It's just so much easier to say than to do.)

monarch wrote:Thanks, Ghost. I like what you wrote and I try to remember it every day. I'd like to be able to live life on my own terms. (It's just so much easier to say than to do.)

nothing that bears true value is easy
For me, it's an adventure

I so identify with this. No matter how hard I try I end up saying or doing the wrong thing. It is very discouraging and is actually not good for a person's health.

The biggest problem is that the things people say bother me so badly and I think that that encourages even more insults to happen. It's like most people have a protective shell and I'm walking around without one. That would probably be my biggest wish is not to care what other people think.

You sound like a really cool person. I'm sure that your girls love you and I hope things start to get better.

I think that the person taking pictures is always going to get heck for it, but we all want those pictures. So keep up the good work and big hugs.

Thanks goldstarz. Although I wouldn't wish feeling like this on anyone, it is nice to know I am not the only one, and that there are other people out there who understand me.