Hate myself

Hi everyone

This is my first ever post on here, so I hope you don't mind reading it. I will try to be as brief as I can. I'm feeling really low at the moment, so apologies if this post seems self-indulgent.

Ok, here's my history in a nutshell: Was born, I was a very cute child. Everyone thought I was beautiful. I've always been chubby, and even though looking back, I wasn't really fat, I always FELT like I was. My mum and dad were critical of my appearance always, and I got teased at school for being fat.

During my teens I really struggled to make friends at school,felt like an outsider, and still felt fundamentally fat and ugly. Had a hugely turbulent relationship with my mother all through my teens, which, although partly her fault was mainly due to me being very depressed and blaming the world for my problems. I was putting on weight during this period, and getting more negative comments about my appearance off my parents. I was very good academically at school, but always felt like no one really liked me.

Since then, I've had recurrent bouts of depression, which I've since come to understand are linked to PMT. Basically, a couple of days each month I get black days where I can't see anything positive in the world. I had treatment in the Priory 2 years ago now for general anxiety disorder, and was on anti-depressants for about 18 months. At the moment I am not medicated, which is a good thing, although I do still suffer the PMT depression. I've been to the doctor about it, but short of putting me back on the pills, there are limited options.

One of the issues that was identified while in the Priory was that I have little self esteem, and I routinely use food, men (random and risky sex with strangers) and shopping to try to make myself feel better. It sounds awful, but having someone fancy me, or eating something indulgent, or buying something I can't afford makes me feel better for a while. The Priory did a lot of work to try to make me more at ease with myself, which to some extent I did. Since then I've lost 4 stone in weight, but I'm still 17 stone, so not exactly thin.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been feeling really down. No matter what I try, I just feel really fat and ugly. I caught sight of myself in a mirror the other day, and just felt completely suicidal, as I still look like a huge fat blob. Illogically, this has meant that I've not been following my diet at all, and I've put on about 5lbs, which then makes me feel worse. I know that (i) there are people worse off than me (ii) I should be glad I have my health (iii) I have a nice boyfriend who loves me - but deep down I just feel like $#%^. I still believe deep down that I'm a fairly nasty person, and I still have no friends in my life, which gets me down.

Today, I just thought that I wanted to crash my car into a tree to stop feeling like this - and although I don't think I'd ever do it, I get worried when I feel like this because I think I'm on the slippery slope downwards again. More scary is that in my whole life I don't think I've ever liked myself, despite therapy, reading countless books and taking prescription medication for nearly 4 years (on and off) of my life.

Has anyone out there found a cure for this awful feeling? Or can anyone offer any suggestions that might help?

Thanks for your time reading this post

Dear Jessica,

I hear you.

As a teen, I also struggled (quite unsuccessfully) to make friends in school. And was terribly self-conscious.

I empathize with you, having no self-esteem - same here.
Also, using shopping, men, and food, to relieve some of the pain - ASAP, even though it all caused trouble, in the long run.

Yes, there Are people that are worse off than you, but that Doesn't mean you have no right to your feeelings, or to express them!!

And what makes you think you're "nasty"?
You seem to me like a good and sensitive person - one who has certainly "paid her dues" in life.

It's good that you have a loving bf to support you.

I've also felt like crashing my car, in my teens, and thereafter. But I guess I'm glad I didn't follow through, and applaud you, for instead, reaching out for help.

Suggestions for help?

I really think you're making a wise first step in sharing your feelings with this group.
You might pursue some counseling/therapy, to assist you (I do).

Hang in there, and keep writing!

And Thank YOU, for honoring us by sharing!

offbeatgrl53

Jessica, i can relate on most of the things you've posted.

but i really dont know how to help, since im battling an internal bout, myself. i'd just like you to know that a lot of folk are like you and that you aren't alone.

I'd get this killer makeover like this one movie called "Poison Ivy 3"<you should watch it ...its how this one looser maverick chick finds this diary in her secluded college dorm...it belonged to a VIXEN ...so she reads it and becomes completely mesmerized__she becomes her. So greatt*

Hello Jessica, You sound like you are real down on yourself and Im very sorry to hear that. I have suffered from a psyc disorder called BDD ( Body Dismorphic Disorder ) for about 6 years but was dignoised with it about 3 years ago. I constantly am botherd to the point of rediculase about my looks like you are. Im just wondering if maybe you have BDD.
You may want to consider checking out BDD central Forum.

Here is the link to BDD Central Forum you can talk to other people with the same problem
http://www.bddcentral.com/cgi-bin/yabb/yabb.pl

Here the the link to BDD central ( it is just a website) to find out more info on BDD!
http://www.bddcentral.com/mainpage2.aspx

Hope you take a look at this stuff
let me know if you think you can realate to this!

JessicaRabbit,
Hello, I am new here also and one of the first posts I read was yours. I feel like we are twins separated at birth! It seems that you were writing about me. So what prompted me to respond was to let you know that there are other people out there who feel just like you. I know, trust me I know, that it does not answer your questions or give you any solutions, but I feel strongly that just talking things out and having some support is VERY important in helping "keep on track".That is what I am hoping to find through these posts, and hope that you will continue on your quest to just take things day by day. It sounds like I am just feeding you lines, probably lines you have already heard a million times before, but seriously, go easy on yourself and give yourself a break. Good habits take time, so good mental health probably does too. Just be proud of the progress you are making, and cut some slack when you feel like you are "sliding".