Hi - am newbie

Hello, my name is Perdita and I am new to this forum. I have struggled with crippling slow self esteem for years and also hate the way I look, this has got a lot worse as I have got older - I thought when you got older you didnt worry so much but this is not the case for me! The problem is so bad now that I struggle on a day to day basis, I do manage to hold down a job but it takes me minimum of two hours to get ready - I am constantly checking and rechecking in the mirror and once I manage to get out the door if I catch sight of myself anywhere else it will send me into panic. I have had a series of disasterous relationships in the past although I am happily married now, but my hubby is extremely understanding of my condition and excepts the fact that I wont undress with the light on etc. I have had this problem on and off since I became a teenager, and I have councelling over the years, I am aware that it stems probably from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child by a family member. I would like to hear if possible how other people deal with this problem, I get SOOO tired of the mental strain of it all, I would love to be one of those people who is happy in their own skin and doesnt give a monkeys what anyone else thinks, I am very aware that I should value the good things in my life but it is very difficult some days to even get out of bed, this stress has also played a part in causing me to have the condition crohns disease which is quite restricting as well. Look forward to hearing from anyone with any positive feedback.

Welcome Perdita.

Two hours or more is a long time to spend every day, isn't it?

I used to have real trouble getting to work on time, no matter how early I got up. I hated my job and didn't want to go. I'd end-up in front of the mirror, and start picking at my face for ages, because I tend to do that when I'm stressed. And before I'd know it, I'd just have made myself late and even less keen to go to work, because I had a blotchy red face that even make-up couldn't fix.

Do you only have this difficulty getting ready for your job? Or do you have a similar problem when you have the day off work too?

I think some jobs encourage too much focus on how you look, especially if you work with very vain or pretentious people.

I had less trouble after I changed jobs. I think I was taking my work stress out on myself. Instead of facing-up to the fact that I wasn't happy in the job or suited to the role, I was fussing about how I looked and what an idiot I was for not getting to work on time.

It is hard to stop obsessing about your looks. All the advertisements, beauty products, magazine pictures etc. suggest that flawless beauty is attainable and highly desirable. When in reality, most people prefer talking to someone with a visibly 'human' or vulnerable face. Perfection is not attractive; it is intimidating.

One thing that helped me is that I met some really cool women who didn't wear make-up. They were beautiful in a really natural and relaxed way. They didn't wear fancy clothes or pretend to be better than what they were. I realised I wanted to be more like them. I didn't want to worry about how I looked; I wanted their relaxed self-acceptance.

Another thing that helped is that I took holidays camping and hiking. I forced myself into living without mirrors and daily showers. It's not as terrifying as it sounds, because everyone with you is in the same boat - they're all dirty grubs too. I found the experience very liberating. I loved not looking in the mirror.

Think about what kind of person you want to be. If your looks are really important to you, then that's okay. Some people really enjoy dressing-up and looking pretty. But if you don't want it to be a focus in your life, don't become a slave to it!

If you have to, cover up the mirror for a day. Or plan a "no make-up and daggy clothes day" on your calendar, and stick to it. If you can find enjoyment in not worrying so much about how you look, I think you will find it easier to give it up.

Hi Platypus, thanks for the reply. I get exactly what you mean about other people being cool not worrying about what they look like, I look at lots of my friends who arent perfect by any means but because they are happy and confident appear to me to be really attractive, unfortunately I cant seem to translate that to me. One of my friends is on the larger side and yet she is happy to wear whatever she feels like and i look at her and think I will be like that - then I go home put something on and hate it if i can see any signs of any fat anywhere, I am not overweight but I cant seem to allow myself to have any faults at all. I look in the mirror and see this fat, saggy sack of flesh, then I will look at my hair and think that is awful ,, then my face etc etc. I have always been this way but more so now I work in a company where unfortunately I am the only female (car sales)- the guys there are ok but unfortunately treat me like one of the lads now and feel they can say anything, I cover myself up to go to work even when it is hot because I dont want to draw attention to myself.

Haha, we must think differently. I like working with only men - I think I can get away with being a bit scruffier.

It's good that you have some female friends who are relaxed about their appearance. Why do you think you can't translate that to yourself? What is it that is stopping you?