Comments/Advice Needed please (Long Post of my life)

Hello, I'm a 17 year old guy from Canada and I've realized I've never been depressed until 2 years ago when it got to the extent I wanted to kill myself. I dreamt about what would happen if I did die and how people will see me at the funeral, and often when I thought of these, I would cry myself to sleep (it's very sad). Somehow I don't think I fit into this world, I just feel like I don't get the respect I deserve. I know I'm a very nice, genuine, and trustworthy person because of the vast number of compliments I've received from people. I also know this because I try to be that type of person.

As I went through school and life, I feel a lot of stuff don't go my way (some do go my way though) and I'm happy to say I'm not a complete loner or anything, I have a fair amount of friends, and I get respected outside of school from the friends I meet randomly at family parties. On the worst days, i still think of suicide, but on any other day, I don't think of suicide, I think of dying for a purpose. If I could get a chance to die to make myself bigger than what I am really now, that would be perfect and I guess I want to have the idea that I'm a hero, and that most heros die honourably, which is why I'm somewhat interested in the military, but I'm not fit for that yet, in my opinion. I like to say I have two sides, and one of those sides, I don't want to die, but if I die, I only die for a significant purpose. Of course if I can accomplish a dangerous feat without dying, that would be even better. I can feel the effects of being a hero, but I would say I wouldn't mind dying if I could save people's lives from a disaster and trade that for my life. It might seem to you that I value heroism more than other people's life, but because of this on-going depression, I value other people's life FAR MORE valuable than mine. Even now, I feel I play the role of an insignificant person in this world. What is my purpose in life? I constantly raise that question up, but I have yet to find an answer.

After reading all that, what do you guys/gals say about this? Am I psychopath? And by the way, thanks for reading all of this. I really appreciate that. =]

Hello, sadguy,

I just read your post. I can relate to your level of depression and the longing for a purpose in life, and for a strong, visible, and positive image in the world, that all can see.
I hope you are getting help for your depression. (I am).

I find it hard in life to be (virtually) invisible, in the social world....Would love to be seen and thought of as bright, savvvy, confident, and Competent - in my job, and in life in general.

But hidden disabilities and depression have a way of shooting those everyday dreams all to he___.

I've felt suicidal, too.

I remember that adolescence was a particularly tough time....Hang in there....I predict that things will get better for you.
You sound like a great guy. I have no doubt that you'll be someone's Hero, in time.

Take Good Care,

offbeatgrl

Thanks for your reply offbeatgrl. A lot of stuff you've been saying makes some sense.

I've told this story only to a few trusted people in real life and one of them says my feelings toward heroism is unrealistic. I don't really agree with her on that, but does that make me dangerous to myself and the people around me? I certainly feel I'm not crazy, but maybe a little extreme over that. But, I really do believe that if I could die to make myself bigger than what I really am, I would do that and if I could make myself bigger without dying, that would be even better. Should I change the way I think?

Sadguy,

I can understand your longing for visibility, recognition, and appreciation.
And No, you're fine just the way you are. An intelligent, articulate guy, and a pleasure to talk to.

Keep writing!

offbeatgrl

Thank you. I greatly appreciate your compliments.

May I ask though why you name yourself offbeatgrl? lol

Hi again Sadguy,

Why the name "offbeatgrl"?

I don't feel part of the mainstream....sort of march to march to a different drummer.

It may be due to having a few disabilities: ADD, learning disabilities (nonverbal), and depression, as well as social anxiety.


Offbeatgrl53

I don't think you are a psychopath. I do think you might be a Goth. You see psychopaths want to hurt others, Goths want to hurt themselves. They also are involved with lots of morbid imagery, like your nightmares about being at your own funeral.

offbeatgirl, if you return, please contact me. I also have learning disabilities, perhaps we can talk about it. I think the Special Education system does a lot of harm, towards students' self esteem.

Hi, sadguy!

I think it was you who asked me to write back (it only said "Guest").

Yes, I suspected LD awhile back, and had myself tested.
I'm about to be re-tested, as I can't find my original report, and it might help me at work.

I believe my LD and ADD have effected my development a Lot. One area where it shows up is in my ability to interact with others....especially in a non-structured setting - a social situation. Especially when I am among more than 1 person. I can't seem to accurately follow the conversation, nor can I figure out when it's OK to jump in...so I usually lose my chance.
Being a litle "odd" makes it more difficult to make and keep friends, which is ongoing source of MAJOR pain in my life.
And it's been this way, pretty much, all my life.

How about you?


offbeatgrl53