Insecurity about other women

rissa87 wrote:Hi there,
I have read a lot of these posts from women suffering from insecurities and anxiety. I do have to say that it makes me feel sad to know that many women feel this way, including myself. I find myself feeling exactly the way everyone else is describing.

Not to invalidate what you said because I agree, but you try being the gender that 1. is expected to be the initiator in a relationship, 2. is supposed to 'peackock' for approval and hope to be chosen, 3. is surreptitiously being depicted as brainless and simple by the media and academia, and 4. also has body-image issues, mostly penis-related. Just saying, we all have it bad because of misconceptions and agendas that just aren't healthy. Our society is corrupt beyond belief, not that it's ever been a utopia but the entertainment industry nowadays really is poisonous and pervasive.

Bovary wrote:I hate women who act and dress provocatively,I can't stand random men looking at other women,I hate anyone commenting on how another woman is beautiful(including celebrities),I feel like killing someone when I hear someone say someone else is hot or sexy and I feel sick when I think of a guy thinking about a woman being hot.And I can't watch porn with women in it,I get too jealous.

 Men are realistic. We know beautiful women are unattainable for all but a very few men. So, we focus on what we can have. 

How is this comforting?I'd rather die alone then be with some loser who can't get a woman he wants so he's settling for me.

Oh wow, what a nice attitude to have. If you don't want to be judged harshly then don't be harsh on others, anything else is hypocritical. I don't hold it against anyone to subconsciously be attracted to men more muscular, taller, more charming etc. than myself. It's primal instinct. It's up to each of us to tame the beast, develop values such as compassion and acceptance, and find a partner that is actually compatible rather than the most desirable for procreation according to million-year-old instincts that haven't adapted from the stone age. People that fail to do that... well, they can have each other, for all I care.

Unless you meant he thinks he 'deserves' a 'hot chick' but will take what he can get.That really is incredibly douchy and being highly insecure myself, I'd rather have no relationship than that. I'm a 'loser' by most standards but I'd pick homely and amiable over supermodel and arrogant any day, so don't lump me in with the douchebags.

I just created my account, so I am new to the forum, but have had anxiety and emotional regulation problems as long as I can remember (I am 27 now). This is crazy to know that there are so many others that are like me. Although I can empathize, as I experience the same anxiety, it is relieving to know I am not "crazy" and that there ARE others like me.

So, I know I am leaving out alot of information, but I want to try to keep it shorter. I started going to therapy in March 2014 for nearly ALL the reasons ANYONE has described. My therapist refers to what I (we) experience as a form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder): Our obsessions being our thoughts about whether our man is checking out other women, whether there will be attractive women the place where we are going, whether he will leave us for someone more attractive, whether he will negatively compare us to other women, etc. and our compulsions being actively checking to see if he is checking out other women, whether there will be any attractive women at the party we are going to, checking to see if there is nudity in the movie we plan to watch, etc. All of this is a viscous cycle that continues and causes us much anxiety.

I have alot of anxiety about many things in life, but this is far the worst. I am engaged (for the second time) to a man who has been very dishonest and disrespectful in this sense, and has only made my anxiety and "OCD" about jealousy worse to the point that I struggle to function in life.

Throughout our relationship, he has nearly cheated on me, had developed romantic feelings for a co-woker, lied about having contact with his ex-girlfriend, and had an obsession/habit of looking at porn when he knew how much it would hurt me (and tried to hide it and continued to lie about it). In addition, we've had problems with sex our entire relationship as he has difficulties keeping an erection although he has later admitted that he can with the use of porn. I have had jealousy problems before all of this, but all of these issues have exacerbated the problem. Although things have gotten better. All the thoughts of his past behaviors haunt me everyday, nearly all day. I am in constant fear that he will talk with attractive girls, look at them, or see an attractive girl online, etc.

After finding out about his obsession with porn (and the kind of porn, as he has a very unusual fetish), I felt like my life had ended. I am only now trying to come to accept the circumstances and the events, behaviors, and words that were said.

I am a very caring and loving person. However, I have gotten to the point where I badger and question him to the point that he tells me things I NEVER should know, such as specific physical features he doesn't like about me, who he thinks is more attractive, etc. Although I am ashamed to admit it, I have also been verbally, and mildly physically abusive. Although he has said I was beautiful, he has admitted that he never thought I was "hot" like some of the girls he enjoyed in his porn. I am still trying to cope with this fact and accept it, although I haven't had much luck. Right now, I am struggling with whether or not I should partake in his "fetish" because although I have in the past, he was simultaneously looking at girls in porn and negatively bashing my pictures. Now that he has "stopped" looking at porn, he would like me to partake again. I don't know if I have the courage to do so as I know he has always preferred "porn" to me. I am very appreciative of him not looking; however, on the flip side, I do not want to be "second best."

If anyone would like to chat, personal message me.

Hi wow i thought i was alone in feeling this way..thank you everyone here for shared their stories..i have the same problems..i just noticed these are old posts is there anyone out there that would like to message me ..it just be great to have support with this thanks on advance

I decided to do a Google search on this topic because I have been feeling so hopeless. I am so relieved reading all of your posts that at least I am not alone and there are others who can relate to what I have been experiencing for many years. I hate being this way. I had a good childhood, no abuse or anyone telling me I wasn't pretty or smart or good enough. I have social anxiety and have always had trouble making friends. Ihave a low self esteem and have felt like an outsider pretty much my entire life. I married young and had 3 kids by the time I was 22. My first husband was extremely controlling and pretty much broke my spirit. I had no idea who I was by the time we divorced after 13 years. I had cheated on him several times, even with his best friend. I hated who I was. It's been 6 years since we divorced. I met my current husband about 4 yes ago, and when we met he was an alcoholic. Our relationship started off with so much dishonesty and deceit. He lied about everything. Once I finally got the courage to walk away he knew it was time to make a change. He's been sober for 3 years and 2 months now and going to school to become a substance abuse counselor. We got married a little over a year ago, and my insecurities just seem to be getting worse. He's a police officer, and I get sick to my stomach thinking about who he's pulling over and how short their skirt is or if they've pulled their shirt down to get out of a ticket. We don't watch TV anymore, and hardly ever go see a movie and if we do it's some sort of animated or family movie. I watch him like a hawk when we're out in public, I even get upset when he looks into a car passing us that has an attractive woman in it. This has taken over my life. I have an 18 year old daughter that I don't even want around because she is beautiful, big boobs, great body, and she wears very flattering clothes. I feel crazy typing all of this, but sadly it is my reality and I can't stop doing it no matter how hard I try. My husband read a book called Every Man's Battle before we got married, and it really changed his view on looking at other women. (At least he says it did) It's a very eye opening book, i read it too. It talks about lusting from a Godly/Biblical perspective. And it teaches men how to "bounce" their eyes and guard their thoughts from becoming lustful. I still see him looking at other women but he always denies it. Last night he was telling me about a woman he and his partner pulled over, he said the other officer ended up asking her to step out of the car (I guess she had weed in her car). Of course I jump right to was she attractive? Did she have a nice body? He tries to say she wasn't unattractive and he didn't notice her body. 2 more minutes of questioning reveals she was relatively attractive and did have a nice body. Yes it kills me inside to hear him say that, BUT... My whole issue is the dishonesty. He told me after that he was trying to avoid conflict. He knew when we got married that I made it very clear there will be no lying and I needed him to be transparent in our marriage. Almost a year into our marriage I caught him in a stupid pointless lie, so I sat down with him and told him he needs to be straight and real with me or the trust will never grow. I said what else have you lied about. He said nothing. After about 5 minutes or so when he realized I wasn't dropping it until he gave me some real honesty, he admitted to chewing tobacco and having lusting issues for the first few months of our marriage. The fact he would lie after taking vows with me makes me feel so angry and betrayed. He's a great guy, he does so much for me. Helps around the house, makes dinner sometimes, opens doors for me, holds my hand everywhere we go, even in the car. He prays with me, reads the Bible with me, goes to church with me. I know he loves me. He has been very patient with me about this. But I know it's wearing on him. I need to figure this out before I push him away. Counseling hasn't helped, and I am on antidepressants and still have such a low view of myself. Any advice or just encouragement would be so appreciated. Thanks everyone.

Hello,

I have the same issue plus on top I am obsessing of my boyfriends past with prostitutes and brothels and parlors and other stuff. He was fooled around with the belief no sex before marriage and broke out at the age of 27, living out what he has missed. Then he met me and I developed immense distrust towards him after he told me all of this.

This is bearing on me immensely and I am thinking of breaking up with him, He is ready to break up with me due to intense distrust. He also gets very angry when I even mention a distrusting thought. should we split? would be brothel thing also no go for YOU?? Pls help...

I am sorry theres quite a few of you going through this..i truly felt alone in my feelings until i read others were feeling same...can one of you please send me a message sometime just looking for a friend that can relate and maybe we can try help one another im having a lot of trouble with coping thanks so much in advance

I am hopeless. I have the same thoughts and feelings. My problem is at the worst level possible. I can't even go to work without thinking how many nude girls my boyfriend will see by the time I get back. I can't possibly live a happy life. I am constantly in fear all the time. I am depressed and have very dark thoughts. Too dark... I wish to be free from this. I wish to be the same old me. I want to be free from this so badly. It hurts every day, not a single day I spend without depression and fear. Should I prepare myself to live the rest of my life alone? I am 25 and too young to live my most beautiful years like this. I am a loyal old-fashioned woman who wants to be free again, like a bird. I hate the emotional pain that comes with this. It hurts so much! I feel for all of you ladies. I wish I could heal you all!

OMG, i can't believe i am not the only one!

Girls i am so relieved! I thought i was going crazy! I hate how i feel, i am 22years old and i have been with my partner for 6 years! I started feeling insecure when i had my little boy who is now nearly 4. (as most can understand, having a baby changes your body) I adore my partner but I can't help but think he is interested in other women, or when a women comes on the television he gets turned on ext.

This is ruining me, I feel like I'm not good enough, he doesn't understand what it makes me feel like, I feel sick and discussed with myself. I'm a size 8 petite and weigh 8 stone. I'm not right in the head, I have 34c boobs and since having my baby they are just not the same. Every day I wake up and I say to myself, if my partner leaves me then just accept it. My partner and I have no issues with trust, it's just my stupid brain telling me different. He asked me to marry him 25/12/14 and I thought to myself.....right Kate you really need to stop how u feel when a naked woman comes on the TV....I can't watch a film without researching it or anything basically. If he looks at another women my head is telling me he fancys her. I hate it.

It's nature to look but I can't deal with him looking. I am fine on my own watching a movie and if a women comes on naked I'm ok but when he's their I can't hack it. It leads to me having the munk on every time or crying. I'm sorry to ramble on but I am so happy it's not just me.

how can we overcome this without feeling like we need to have surgery to feel good. ( booking in for a boob job soon, I'm sure I will feel better :/ )

 

I just wanted to let you know that even if you get cosmetic surgery for whatever flaws that you are focusing on, it most likely will not change this insecurity issue so you may want to reconsider. I have had this same issue since I was about 18, and I am now 54 and found that it actually gets worse with age. I have tried everything including psychotherapy, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications, cognitive behavior therapy, OCD exposure therapy, and had multiple cosmetic surgeries and nothing has proven successful. I am repeatedly told that I am a beautiful and smart professional lady who has the entire package including looks, body, brains & success but none of that makes it any better. From my experience, the prettier you are, the more insecurities you have. If anyone has any new solutions, I think we would all be very interested in hearing about it.

So weird to see how long this thread's been going for, I remember reading obsessively through all ten pages years ago and now here I am again!! Ever since a few months into my relationship with the guy I'm with now, who's also my first relationship, this sort of thing has been driving me up a wall on an almost daily basis. I go around and around with my thoughts that he wishes I was someone else or that other women have a way more important place in his heart than I do. I know he would ever cheat but that's not even really what I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of having to exist in a state where I'm constantly aware that I'm someone he settled for and looking at other women will always be a hugely important thing to him because I'm just not enough. And whether or not that's actually true that's the frame of mind I've gotten into. I have avoidant personality disorder and it's very difficult for me to feel like I belong in a place or like I have a right to take up space so it's really easy for me to start feeling like I don't exist in my relationship, whatever that means. I knew since before our relationship that my boyfriend has a tendency to put women up on a pedestal, and even though it's not really something he talks about with me ever since I started hinting at my jealousy issues it still makes me really nervous. My insecurity about other women was more or less hidden from my boyfriend until just recently, it took me forever to even hint at it since it was so confusing to me and made me feel like such a stupid, awful person. I have a tendency to tell "jokes" that are really what I'm actually thinking, and last year I started making jokes to him about how he prefers older women and must wish that I was older or be with me just because he's investing in the old woman I'll be someday, he played along with this and eventually started pointing at this older actress he thought was hot and asking when I'll be that cute. It took me until a month or so ago to finally tell him how much this had upset me. He's watched porn when over at my apartment a few times and been secretive about it, which I only recently found out was more a method of self harm than him seeking something other than me while in my room, but it still really bugs me even though I know it shouldn't have anything to do with me. He's also had hot video game characters as his desktop background that I've not been able to stop obsessing over, even though he let me change his desktop when I said that it bothered me (though I only said it bothered me because she was from an online game he ignored me for for months lol) I cycle through memories like this every day, and only in the recent month or so have I started doing this out loud in front of him, I'll go through these memories like I'm trying to torture him with things that I perceive he did wrong and ask questions all the time about if he really loves these people or wishes I was them. I know it's awful and I'm still a lot less outward and bitchy with this stuff than it probably sounds but I'm definitely getting there.

Even though I know I should believe my insecurities aren't justified, I still pretty much believe I'm right or at least onto something. They just seem to fit so well. I can't justify things that have happened that I've perceived as threats to our relationship in any way other than telling myself he doesn't love me as much as he says he does, or he only loves me under the condition that he can love a lot of other women almost just as much. When we're hanging out and my anxiety spikes and my thoughts start going in circles I always get an urge to do something horrible like bite my fingers off in front of him. Usually when I do self harm it's because of these feelings, which I would never tell him because I never ever want him to feel like this sort of thing is at all his responsibility, but he has a vague feeling maybe he should worry about me trying to hurt myself someday and I always reassure him I wouldn't do that sort of thing but I get so jumpy sometimes it feels like I'll do something much worse than the sort of thing I already do.

I've started trying to really try to talk to him about this, but my first few attempts have just devolved to me getting more highly strung realizing I don't know what to do to fix it and I definitely can't do anything to solve things immediately. I'm going to try and start planning carefully what I want to talk about so I can actually get somewhere but my feelings and things I want to express are hard for me to grasp. I'm such an inward person but I know I have to get these feelings into the open somehow, I really hate feeling like I'm a non presence in the one good and close relationship in my life.

I hope at least some of this makes sense lol, I can't channel thoughts very well so I just let them spew.